Part of blogging for me is about getting ideas organized and out of my head. Sometimes they are sweet, fun and joyful other times they are thick, heavy and soaked in my mind's slop. I started this blog because I felt I had something to say, about teaching, dance, meditation, life, whatever. I didn't really know at that point what I was going to write. I just knew I had to take the leap and put my words out there. But, I didn't want to impose my thoughts on people; so, a blog seemed like a harmless way to put my thoughts out to the world. People could take them or leave them at will. No personal offense taken either way. And, this blog still serves this function. But, I have since learned it is something more. You are something more.
You are also my witness.
By writing things out, I not only sort them out for myself, but I am held true to my word because I have you as my witness. Although, I may not know all my readers by name. I see that people are reading and this is powerful stuff for me as a mindfulness practitioner.
In describing my experience of the world to you, I can better see things as they are. By putting my experiences down into this blog, they become more real, because they are real not only for me but now for you as you share in this experience. I feel bound to be honest because I am honored that you take the time to read. I know this isn't a new concept, and I am sure there are thousands upon thousands of blog entries saying exactly this (with different words). But, I am now saying it to you. I am experiencing this internet sanga for the first time in the first person, and I want to say thank you.
You give me the gift of being my witness, through the joys and through the shit.
Life really is like a road trip: always more fun with friends.
Namaste
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Checklist (a boring title for a boring topic) ugh!
So, my checklist practice has been an interesting one. I was feeling so very good about it all, until, then, in the very next moment, I wasn't. As a practice, it is something I think I will keep (for the time being). Checking one more thing of my list before I head to bed is a good practice for me, because (in general) it lets me sleep better with the knowledge that I am not a complete failure.
Of course, I have many successes in life. I see those. And, no, I don't really believe that I am a complete failure (at least most of the time). But, it seems that if anything can get me down, it is the feeling of being overwhelmed. It crashes upon me, and I drown in my own mucky slop of self pity and indecision.
I want to be everything to everyone. I care what people think of me. . . and the checklist, well, it is a good thing. But, it taught me that I have a hard time disappointing people. And, the fear of disappointing someone is seemingly just as guilt producing. I see now that a checklist is more than just a boring old checklist. I now see it as a list of symbols of commitment which is a much larger issue.
The checklist is just the tip of an iceberg that is my issue of over commitment. Those who know me and are reading this are snickering right now with "I told you so's". Because, I never take a real break. I might take a day or maybe two. But I never have nothing to do.
But, that is the norm right?
"Come on! Everyone is doing it!" (Read with the inflection of childhood taunters)
It's hip to have your fingers in a million different pies and to celebrate that you were able to accomplish so much without dropping one of your spinning plates. It's cool to be stressed. And, if you aren't, then you are not doing enough! Aren't we evolved beings who know how to time manage with perfection? Aren't there entire TV networks devoted to being the perfect multi-tasker, family woman, professional, friend, cook, etc. etc. etc. . .
I got conned into thinking I could do it all. That I could look perfect and be perfect and have a gazillion things on my mind while keeping my cool.
Well, news flash. It doesn't work that way. At least not for me.
I am surprised at how much recuperation time I need. A LOT! I see other people go all day long without a dip in energy (or, at least it appears that way to me) but my bio rhythms dance to a different drummer. I am up and down, powerful and vibrant, then slumping and sleeping. I am not the tortoise; I am the hare in this children's story of life. I sprint then rest, then sprint, then rest.
Why do I feel like everyone else can sprint all the time?
I am productive. But, my overcommitment is taking a toll on the quality of my productivity. I am ready to shift away from breadth and into depth. One thing on the checklist that is really worth committing to.
Just not sure which one that is yet. . .
Of course, I have many successes in life. I see those. And, no, I don't really believe that I am a complete failure (at least most of the time). But, it seems that if anything can get me down, it is the feeling of being overwhelmed. It crashes upon me, and I drown in my own mucky slop of self pity and indecision.
I want to be everything to everyone. I care what people think of me. . . and the checklist, well, it is a good thing. But, it taught me that I have a hard time disappointing people. And, the fear of disappointing someone is seemingly just as guilt producing. I see now that a checklist is more than just a boring old checklist. I now see it as a list of symbols of commitment which is a much larger issue.
The checklist is just the tip of an iceberg that is my issue of over commitment. Those who know me and are reading this are snickering right now with "I told you so's". Because, I never take a real break. I might take a day or maybe two. But I never have nothing to do.
But, that is the norm right?
"Come on! Everyone is doing it!" (Read with the inflection of childhood taunters)
It's hip to have your fingers in a million different pies and to celebrate that you were able to accomplish so much without dropping one of your spinning plates. It's cool to be stressed. And, if you aren't, then you are not doing enough! Aren't we evolved beings who know how to time manage with perfection? Aren't there entire TV networks devoted to being the perfect multi-tasker, family woman, professional, friend, cook, etc. etc. etc. . .
I got conned into thinking I could do it all. That I could look perfect and be perfect and have a gazillion things on my mind while keeping my cool.
Well, news flash. It doesn't work that way. At least not for me.
I am surprised at how much recuperation time I need. A LOT! I see other people go all day long without a dip in energy (or, at least it appears that way to me) but my bio rhythms dance to a different drummer. I am up and down, powerful and vibrant, then slumping and sleeping. I am not the tortoise; I am the hare in this children's story of life. I sprint then rest, then sprint, then rest.
Why do I feel like everyone else can sprint all the time?
I am productive. But, my overcommitment is taking a toll on the quality of my productivity. I am ready to shift away from breadth and into depth. One thing on the checklist that is really worth committing to.
Just not sure which one that is yet. . .
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