(Has this become an annual blog? Perhaps?)
I haven't been writing because. . . hello!?! This world is madness and everyone has something to say about everything, and I am regularly caught in an in-between stance of non-dualism in which I feel like I agree with everyone and no one at the same time.
I am one with everyone and other from everyone all at once. It makes writing difficult. My stance is a non-stance. If you can go there with me, then what I have here is for you.
I have started writing my dance reviews again now that theaters are starting to open up and dance is being performed again. And, I am pleased to be of service through my writing, that brings me some joy and purpose. And, then there is the rest of life. So many awesome things to complain about. I could name 10 without blinking and eye, and I'm sure you could, too. And yet, the world continues to send out memes of "gratitude" and "make the most of it." It doesn't sit right with me.
Truthfully, I don't want to make the most of it. And, not because I balk at hard work, but because I'm afraid that all of this doing, making, and fixing is not going to help, precisely because life isn't something to be done, made, or fixed.
I spent the last year plus riddled with distress trying to make up for things being awkward, strange, unsatisfying, uncertain regarding the pandemic. I made up a lot of things. I did a lot of things. Some of them were really good. And, I am grateful for some of them. But, all things come to an end. Each wave passes. And, there will always be the next adventure of busy-ness amid an existential crisis.
So, I finally realized I need to NOT do–I could even say I need to undo even.
Sitting is what I do in order to not do. Zazen is the official term of Japanese Buddhist seated meditation. And, I don't want to say it helps. It isn't about helping, or fixing, or making better. It is more about allowing and not interfering. Does it alleviate distress? Sometimes. But, not always. What is does do is keep me from generating more distress. It protects me from taking on yet another thing. It forces me to slow down and break from the illusion that doing more will make things better.
Of course, in the zen sense, doing also does make things better. It's both, and better is always relative (maybe better).
I imagine sitting as finding par in life. You aren't doing, but you are also not not doing. For some of us who do to much, it is a great thing because it stops us from overdoing. And, for those for whom sloth is the problem, it can get people doing something. So, yes, and.
It's the grasping that is the problem, grasping at good feelings, grasping at the end of the semester, grasping at newness, grasping at certainty, grasping, grasping, grasping. It's actually from the noble truths in Buddhism. Life is suffering, and suffering is caused by grasping at things. (My own words there).
So, if we are going to be in this human form and live this human life then, we get to/have to find par, a place where we are not doing and are not not doing. And in some case, there may need to be some undoing. haha.
I'm now in a state of melancholy, nearing the end of another semester teaching, when I see the wrinkles on my face deepening, and my joints getting thicker and grittier; my students are still being imperfect students; I am still being an imperfect teacher. I'm seeing that the grasping of what could have been causes suffering and the hope for things being better in the future causes just about as much. Of course nihilism is the worst of all options. So, there is that. Best to just sit.
I'm not trying to be depressing, although there is some grief that comes along with the realization that I'm giving up on being a savior unto life. I'm finding that grief is just the undoing of old makings. And, perhaps inside the grief there is at least the resonance of the moment. Grief is a great example of something that does not need extra doing to be done. It just is as it is. The least interference possible the better.
So, sit and grieve if needed. Grieve until all the grief has been grieved and all the past and future machinations dissolve away. Grieve and then get on. Because there will still be life to be lived, not made, or done or fixed, but lived.
Be well this holiday season,
Beth
