Leaders, Titles, and Britches. Oh My!

I made an amazing discovery this week about my understanding of leadership and leaders.

I grew up in a very supportive and trusting home environment. My parents were and still are role models of compassion, frugality, understanding, logic and enrichment.  In school I had the same experience with my teachers, Ms. Lindert especially, who greeting us in the morning in a variety of languages, encouraged us as individuals and supported us in our unique journeys through the Montessori system.  In the dance classroom, I was under the tutelage of strong ballet dancers who cared not just for the performance but for our well being as individuals ("Have you eaten today?").

In short, the leaders in my formative years were: AWESOME!  

And, thus began my aggrandizement of all leaders.  I didn't know that leaders are people who have problems. I didn't know that leaders make bad decisions. I didn't know that leadership is an imperfect practice.  It just seemed so easy from the outside as a child that I didn't think twice about it.

But, now, I am in a leadership position, and I am scared.

I don't feel like I know enough to be a leader. I don't feel like I have enough presence to be a leader.  I don't feel like I have a pass into the "leader" club with the swanky leather chairs and cigars.  I don't feel like anything other than Beth, trying to make her way through the world. 

And, yet, I am realizing: This is it.  This is what I get. This is what I have to work with. Being a leader is about surrounding yourself with people you trust, gathering as much of the (inevitably) incomplete) information as you can and then following your gut. We talk about leaders being too big for their britches.  Well, I had sewn my britches for a giant who doesn't exist, and there is no way I will ever fit in them.  So, I guess I continue to wear my dance leggings. 

On the other hand, I am slowly learning that the leaders I had placed on the pedestal of perfection, wisdom and power are just a pair of skinny legs too (figuratively speaking).  These people I had placed in the "Leader Club" with the velvet curtains and brandy decanters are just people.  And, there is no reason I (or anyone else) can't have a place at the table.

Titles are words. Labels are not power.  Leaders are just people and people will never be their labels or their titles.  What's that children's book? Everyone Poops?  Well, whatever it is, it helps me humanize those with whom I need to work on behalf of the future of dance and reminds me that I too am a simple human being who will make mistakes, feel small, suffer doubt and ultimately endure.

I have a feeling this isn't going to be pretty. But, I hope my journey will be effective. 

Thrown Off my Game

Yes, I have disappeared. Sorry about that. 

It all started with the dreaded ankle twist in a rehearsal two weeks ago for MeCo.  Ugh. I didn't think it was that bad, until then I realized that an ankle sprain can always turn chronic if you aren't careful.  I did what I thought was the prudent thing and took a couple days off from walking on it entirely.  It was a good thing. But, I realized that being sedentary for two whole days (except to use the bathroom) is absolutely awful for my brain chemistry.   I felt like I was living in a fog, complete apathy, horrible verbal skills, fatigue, the works.  So, I got myself to the gym the next day for a swim. Much better. Until. The sore throat struck. 

Not strep, just a cold. But, in a week where I was struggling already and was just bouncing back, this was not what I wanted to face.  I even cried. Over a sore throat.  It's true. Tears.

But, I pushed through. Got through the ACDF auditions, Chicago auditions and another MeCo rehearsal. The ankle is doing much better. I still have a few moments when it catches, but for the most part, I can walk and move around. The cold has turned into a terribly annoying cough, and I find myself very tired and still very messy in the mucous department.  The end of the semester is a tease, because it is both lighter in terms of time commitments yet more stressful with student crisis right and left.  There is still work to the be done and lots of it.  But, I am caught without a lot of motivation.

I can't tell if I am just sick and fatigued from pushing over the last couple weeks, or if I am just lazy.  I feel the guilt of being lazy, but that is not enough of a motivating factor to illicit change.  All I really want to do is to do nothing.  But, that isn't entirely true either.  I want to be well.  I am tired of being injured then sick.  These two weeks have been tough on me, and it has really thrown me off my game.

I have continued to tweet, but I haven't blogged because. . . I don't know. "I hate complaining. I don't have the energy. I don't really like myself being injured and ill. I don't feel inspired. I want to just go to sleep (again).  I don't even want to drink coffee for a little pep (bad sign)."  I don't think I am depressed. I don't really know what to think. 

But here is a list of what I do want and want to feel:
I want to feel well.
I want to feel energized.
I want to feel rested.
I want to feel accomplished (with getting my grading done).
I want to feel well. (Did I say that already? Well, I really mean it).
I want to go through a day without coughing.

I know this illness and downturn could be a result of my chronic over commitment.  But, it's not that I want to do less. It is that I want to feel well enough to do more.  So, when I feel bad I want to do nothing at all. 

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.  Thanks for hearing me out.
Beth

PS Expect some book reviews coming up. These past two weeks have been good for reading.

Twitter for Mindfulness

Perhaps you have read or heard about Mindfulness. If you have read any of the more popular Buddhists texts by Thich Naht Hanh or Pema Chodren, then you have certainly encountered the idea even if it was called something else.  Likewise, if you practice yoga and have ever performed pranayama (breath control/meditation) or seated meditation then you have practiced being mindful. 

But, the practice of mindfulness in daily life amidst work drama, family crisis, personal health issues and the rest of life's curves balls takes practice and discipline.  I would like to present an unexpected mindfulness tool I recently discovered: Twitter.

Yes, I was one of those people who "didn't get Twitter" and scoffed at the ridiculousness of "saying something in 140 characters or less."  I only got my Twitter account (@BethMegill) a couple months ago because I was feeling desperate with my dance company, and knew I needed to try something new to broaden Megill & Company's (MeCo) exposure.  So, I created a Twitter account in my name.  No hiding behind anything, no ulterior motives. Everyone would know who I was, and I had to be ok with that. 

I didn't really post anything until about two months ago. I didn't know about RT (retweets) or hashtags (which I always knew as a pound sign). The, I drew the line and made a decision: I will tweet despite all my concerns and misgivings about it. I have to at least TRY it.  At first, it felt weird to post what I was thinking, what I was doing, and what I saw at any given moment, but it gradually became part of my day, and I found that you can say a lot in 140 characters. And, sometimes it is just a pointer to more info which is often very useful/entertaining/interesting. 

But, the best and most unexpected benefit of Twitter has nothing to do with my initial motives at all. I discovered that in making Twitter a part of my day, I was making reflection part of my day.  Twitter was helping me become more mindful! 

I find that Twitter helps me to put things into perspective as I find myself in sticky situations or frustrating states of mind.  In deciding what to post, I have to make a decision about what I want to say. And, in deciding what I want to say, I have to make a decision about what is important to say.  And, in order to decide what is important to say I have to decide what is import (period!).

This has become an excellent practice of mindfulness. I often wonder what I will tweet next.  "Is this important?" "Is this interesting?"  "Is this worth sharing?" I realized that these questions were not for any of my "followers" but for myself. Through this reflection, I am really asking: "What is important to me?" "Is what I am doing interesting and worth doing?"  "Am I making decisions that I am proud of and will feel comfortable sharing with others?"  Twitter makes me accountable to myself.  It helps me lead the life I want to live by reminding me to stay true to my beliefs and values.

I find that I have been more relaxed, more productive, more playful, more joy filled, and more interested in general. I see the world as more real because I have my eyes opened.  Of course I am excited when someone responds to a tweet (just as I am when you respond with a comment to this blog). It is exciting to think that something I have shared has given someone else joy or a moment for pause and reflection, but ultimately I tweet for myself and what the practice gives me on a daily basis. 

We shall see how long this trend lasts, perhaps it is just a phase that will come and go as so many things do.  But for now, I am grateful and appreciative of how this program (that I bad mouthed and snickered at for so long) has actually deepened my practices.  Thank you Twitter. And, special thanks to those who follow and share in my practice. You are my sangha. 

Compelled

As you can see due to my posting time. I am having trouble sleeping. My jaw hurts and I have a sore throat. My massage therapist had asked me if I had something I needed to say to someone that I am holding in. I said no. And, I was honest. I tell my parents that I love them frequently. My sister and I have a great relationship. My fiance is perhaps the sweetest man alive and I am on summer vacation. What is there to keep me up? What could I possibly have to say?

But, I discovered that there is plenty. Not the least of which is an underlying artistic, creative, (dare I say) spiritual issue that I have been sorting through for the past few weeks. I want to write and I want to make dances, but for the past few weeks, I have been torturing myself with the question, why? It seems as the rest of my life was settling into place beautifully, I finally had the time to question myself as an artist. Oh joy.

Art making has always been a given in my life and there was no need to justify it to myself or anyone else. Ask me the meaning of the humanities in the world and I had an answer! Dancing was at my core and it was the solace amongst much other suffering.

So, now that I have the stability of a tenure position teaching dance, a lovely living space on a beautiful property and rewarding relationships with my family and soon to be husband, I opened a can of worms.

Why was a creating? Dances, poems, whatever. Was it just self doubt and a need to validation? Or was there something more to it? Do I really have something to say? And if so, what?

My reluctance to start this blog begins with my personal view on the culture of online sharing. I see the way that people self advertise through online social networking and blog sites like this. It seems everyone has something to say and they are compelled to say it, as if it were a testimony to their lives that validates their existence. Each day my Facebook Most Recent news column is filled with both claims of "I love my life" and "the world is against me". And, it is often charming and fun, but at other times I wonder whether these quips don't clog our communication or personal search that happens in more than 150 characters. (I'm certainly not the first to think this. But this is a precursor to why I am writing. so bear with me just a moment longer. . .)

The bottom line after much hemming and hawing, is that I honestly feel I have something to share. Perhaps my flounderings and personal challenges with depression, art making, and spiritual/existential searching give me an edge on the market. Or perhaps I am just as normal and mundane as the next. Either way, I didn't want to blog because I didn't want to clog up the world with my thoughts if they weren't meaningful or useful to the reader. Nor, did I want to start writing out of the need to validate what I am experiencing. I spent the last three weeks wondering if I write and make dances because I should, or because I can.

I decided, for the moment, that I must do both because I have to. Clearly my jaw and throat are speaking to me. For better or worse, I am wired to look at the world and wonder. It has caused my many years of depression and pain. I am also wired in such a way that I must teach and must share, an attribute inherited from a family of teacher and performers. I started teaching dance at 14 and have never stopped. The joy of student discovery is a treasure I cherish, and I am dedicated to continually improving myself so I can best serve them in their quests.

I am nervous, that my writing in this blog won't live up to my own standards of what should go out to the world. But, I believe that I mean only good and with that intention, I hope I will be able to serve others as I have been served and guided in my path.

And in so doing, I will be honest that this will be self serving as well. Because it not only forces me to solidify my zooming thoughts, but challenges me to continue growing so I may reflect the world and its many nuances and quirks with the greatest accuracy and insight possible. For this I am grateful to you.

Beth