Are you vain?

I am. 

And, it’s ridiculous because I try soooo hard NOT to care.  And, yet, I do. I DO!

Granted, I don’t care enough about my appearance to put on make up in the morning or use product or electrical devices to achieve a “hair do,” but I still want it.  And, I get jealous. That’s right! I said it!  I get jealous!

And, chances are you do, too.

Maybe not all the time, but at least every once in a while, right? . . . (I squinch up my eyes . . . please say yes. . . :-/ )

The truth is, I lead a pretty darn amazing life.  With a lot of great, wonderful, fantastic elements to it! And yet, I find myself getting all caught up in a tizzy over someone’s provocative Instagram post, or latest Facebook profile pic or ostentatious Tweet that they had the “best day in the world!”

The thing is, life is life, and last time I checked. . .

It’s not all bright and shiny!

At least my life isn’t, but somehow I feel at times like I am in a competition to impress the world with the best, tone-enhanced, square image possible (that will ultimately be forgotten tomorrow. Or, rather, in the next 5 minutes. )

It’s not all the time.  I often feel genuine excitement and joy in others’ beauty and for others achievements. But, then I turn around and feel like sh*t (I mean crap).  Sh*t!

I am worried, not because I might not have the most beautiful “selfie” but because I have been played.  I keep being played. A puppet in this world of social media.  And, the puppeteer is my own self doubt.  And, I know I am not alone.

Now, I just look at someone’s picture and I think. That isn’t REAL.  Because, it is not real.  It is not the matter of this real world; it is a series of pixels in a likeness that has been enhanced, and filtered, and contrasted, and angled to suit the desires of its owner.  This is not real life. Because, life is not all bright and shiny.  I am not all bright and shiny. And, probably you don’t feel bright and shiny all the time either. 

But, what does this mean?  What do I do? Deliberately put unattractive pictures of myself up (complete with double chin and greasy hair) or should I post only the sh*ttiest occurrances of the day?  Do I delete my accounts all together?  Do I get psychological counseling until it doesn’t bother me?  Will it ever not bother me? 

I have written before about Twitter for Mindfulness.  And, I see the value in making connections and sharing ideas online. I also see the marketing potential for my dance company. All good thing, but I currently feel an acute awareness to how it is not good. Not healthy. Not the direction I want to be going.

This article in the Huffington Post asks “Is social mediaturning us into teenagers?” and I say:

“YES!”

“I am the equivalent of a teenage fool!”

And, I am ashamed and terrified. 

I have been reading an excellent book by Rick Hanson called Buddha’sBrain, in which I learned just how important it is to cultivate the positive channels in the brain through contemplative practices. What I found most interesting so far (and I’m only half way through!) is the idea that we need to sit with positive emotions and not breeze through them in order to rebuild and refine the neural connections for positive emotions and positive behaviors.  By taking the time to soak in the positive, we are able to help build the neural pathways that allow us to relax and generally feel better more easily.  But this takes time and practice.    Hence zazen (Zen seated meditation) everyday!

So, I have been making an effort to notice and soak in the good moments of life.  And, they are good, but in general things are general never as good or as bad as we think they are.  So, taking a walk is wonderful.  But, when I see a picture of people at the top of the mountain on their hike, I think: “That must be AMAZING!!!”  But, in fact it was probably just good.  Wonderfully good, but just real life good. 

I don’t want to lose my life choosing which Instagram filter makes my pictures look the most exciting.  And, I certainly don’t want to compete with those people who choose to use their time that way.  It’s not real.  It’s virtual. It’s a screen.  It’s a glorified likeness.

It’s not all bad, and I am not renouncing it.  I just want to be honest. To see it as it is.  And, to let simple reality be enough. 

Not so amazing, Not the over-the-top, with the perfect lo-fi filter and immediate status update type of amazing.

Just real life good.

For the record, here is a pretty real picture of me.  Sweaty, awkward, poor lighting, crummy composition, ill fitting outfit.. . . You name it. It's  real.  And, it was a good day. 

Giving Yourself Permission

Yes, my title says "dance instructor" but studying the arts is so much more than than.  For me the dance classroom is a place students can discover life. 

I've been on a bit of a tear recently: seeing the varied injustices in the dance world, the bad habits, the unhealthy behaviors and negative self images. But, rather than get angry, I have decided to combat it one class at a time.  I can't let it get me down, because these struggles are at the heart life learning.  The arts really are our forum for self discovery. 

How we are (exist, behave, think, work, play)  in the dance classroom is reflective of how we are in the rest of our lives. If you are hard on yourself in dance class, you are likely hard on yourself in all other aspects of your "life performance."  If you use dance as an "escape," what are you trying to escape?  If you stop yourself from trying for fear of failure, how does that exist in your home life, school life, relationships? 

I had a student if my office who was suffering from lack of confidence and had started berating himself continually in class.  He identified frustration with executing a tricky turn (appropriately called a lame duck-- oh the irony). 

And I asked him the following series of questions:

What if you gave yourself permission to struggle with that turn? 
What would that feel like? 
What would that look like?  
What is the worst that would happen?

How can you give yourself permission to go at your own pace, to honor your personal growth and your personal needs?

Big questions, and of course much deeper than actually performing this stinky little turn!  Dance is not about the turn, dance is about your approach to life.  Can we choose to cultivate healthy behaviors and thoughts in the dance class. Can we give ourselves compassion rather than self inflicted pain?  Can we let go of the outcome and enjoy the process?

Of course, it will take practice. And, it should. We need to practice healthier thoughts, healthier views on learning.  Can we confront challenges with self compassion?  A generous spirit and love?

So, that is my motto for the weekend. As I prepare to enter the world that is the Rogue Festival in Fresno, I ask myself how can I let others know that they have permission? Permission to make healthy choices that will foster their growth and allows them to blossom. 

Of course, the answer is simple I have to start with giving myself permission.  So I declare today, that I give myself permission to let go of control.  I grant myself freedom from expectations. I give myself permission to simply go along with the ride, to speak and dance only from the heart and to see what happens.