Finding Success

I have been studying dance since I was 3, I have been teaching dance since I was 14 and have been making my living as a full time college dance instructor for 9 years. By most people's definition I am successful within my career.  Then why do I feel this constant need to "prove myself"?

I am still relatively young in my career.  Of course as a dancer I am by definition "old."  At 33, my future resume does not likely include "commercial dancer."  I never even wanted that route. I was all about education, choreography and dance studies all along.  Perhaps you also had a clear path to your current career-profession.  Or, perhaps you meandered and changed a lot...

The point is. . or rather the question is: when do you stop and realize that you have arrived and you don't have to keep proving yourself to the world?  When do you look down and realize that the grass is green right where you are, and the neighbor's lawn may be beautiful but that doesn't mean you should want it or have it?

As young (dance) professionals, we are trained to achieve, to grow our presence in the world and keep "climbing the ladder" so to speak.  We want our students to be higher achieving, our companies to be more widely recognized, ourselves to be in demand as choreographers and instructors.  We want the fame, the glory, the recognition that we have made it!

Except it isn't about what we are doing or what we achieve at all.  Life is about recognizing where we are, following our life's "purpose" and accepting that we are enough just as we are.  I have been a sort of "natural" leader my whole life (I think in part because I am tall and use a lot of expressive gestures).  But, leadership is not the only success to be found in the world, and just because I have been in leadership roles doesn't meant it is the only way for me "succeed."  

And, I am starting to see more clearly how I don't need to compete for a leadership position. I am already in one. In many!  I may not be world recognized, but does that really matter?  At what point will I say I have achieved success.  When I achieve world domination?  Yes! 

No! Obviously not. World domination isn't my goal.  So, what is?  To lead on a school level, on a city level, on a state level, on a national level, on an international level, on a galactic level?!? This is crazy! I am crazy!!  There will always be someone more well known, with more twitter followers and more blog readers.  I am realizing that I have been mislead by my own misunderstanding of success and leadership. 

The good news is that I am connecting the dots; they seem obvious as I write them, but to really believe them on a heart and even cellular level is tougher than it seems.  I am realizing that I am already doing the work. I am already shaping the world around me. But the coolest part is, I am shaping it not only as a "leader/teacher/choreographer/director" but as a supporter!

I am finding wonderful reward in supporting those around me who are doing amazing and wonderful things. I see more clearly than ever that this is a world of abundance and part of my role is to support those around me who are doing the work I believe in.  Being a busy leader is a lonely place, and I want balance and community.  No more competition "to the top" (whatever that is supposed to mean!)

There is no top! There are only those whom we encounter each and everyday.  And, giving more to them and supporting them is making my green lawn a wonderful place for everyone to play!

How do you support people you believe in?  Are you a "leader"? And, what does that mean to you? Are you a supporter?  Which gives you more satisfaction?

Competition in Dance: Coming to terms with ACDFA

This week I will be headed to the American College Dance Festival Association (ACDFA) Baja region festival.  This is an annual festival that I have been to about 10 times, beginning as a student at UC Santa Barbara.  It is a four day event of dance classes and performances for college dance programs to share and enjoy the art of dance. 

ACDFA festivals are amazing, filled with interesting and stimulating activities, performances and people.  But, I would be lying if I didn't also share that these festivals have a tendency to activate me into a state of anxiety. 

But, this is my Year to Live, and the last thing I want to do is have a stressed out ACDFA experience!  So, I started to dig around to figure out what exactly was charging me up and ruffling my feathers.

"Oh! Hello, Ego! Funny meeting you here!"

Not so surprising.  A laundry list of things set my self conscious ego into a tizzy. Here is the short list:
1.  I'm not one of the crazy popular teachers whose class is overflowing. 
2.  I can't remember everyone's name from year to year.  (Badges help-- but still)
3.  My choreography/performance is generally not at the caliber of Research 1 institutions (even though I don't teach at a Research 1 institution-- my ego is that crafty!).
4.  All of the above makes me feel generally dumb and insignificant within my own profession and passion.

Funny, not one issue has to do with the fact that I am there to mentor students or guide them around the festival.  All that is actually rather comforting.  I believe and trust that I am helpful to my students.  I know that I have information and knowledge that is useful to them. I like being there for them and feel rewarded helping them decide on classes, prepare for performances and understand the diversity and detail within the scope of their festival experience.

But, being in a large conference environment makes me question what I am offering the larger dance community.  My silly ego wants something more!  

I am truly embarrassed to even share this, but it is the truth. And in my year to live, I can't waste time lying.  I see the favorite teachers and the favorite choreographers year to year, and I see that I am not one of them. And, that just plain sucks.

The negative hitch to ACDFA is the pseudo-competition element that is involved with the event.  During the festival there are 3-4 Adjudication Concerts in which pieces are performed (anonymously) for a panel of 3 adjudicators (more commonly known as "judges").  No score is given (thank God!), but after they have given verbal feedback for each piece (really these feedback sessions are the best and worst aspect for my ego) they pick a top 10 to perform in a final gala performance.  It truly is an honor to perform in the gala. And the piece that do are usually exquisitely crafted and performed.

Now, of course EVERYONE wants to be in the gala.  And, this is what sits so uneasily with me as a dance educator.  I understand the concept of healthy competition, but I don't think it is healthy for me (and I am guessing other sensitive types too).  Granted, I say all of this, and I don't even have a piece in the adjudicated concerts this year.  This is old muck that has been churned up just at the prospect of attending to watch! 

 I love feedback. I hate competition.  

It is part of the reason I don't watch any dance shows on TV (also. . .I don't have cable).  Trying to measure dance or measure art in order to be given value is counter to everything I believe in.  And, I think most of the faculty members who attend ACDFA festivals would agree with me. Probably most of the ACDFA board members would agree with me.  Hell, I bet many of the "Adjudicators" agree with me too.

And yet. . .

And yet. . .

We crave validation and approval so fiercely that we engage in this way.  That we swallow the poison with the medicine. . . and, hope it doesn't kill our spirit in the meantime.

My stomach upturns just at writing this blog.  And, my eyes well up. 

In moments, like this I feel ashamed for past beliefs and past behavior, and I remember just how much I love the art of dance.  ACDFA is not the villain here, our human frailties are.  We want so much. I want so much.  I wanted so much.

I am learning to want less. To rediscover my self worth in a smile and a plié.  

...just a plié.

Want to read more about my ego?  Try out this recent blog of mine.  Are you vain? 
Or check out this whopper question: Ego vs Artist
Wondering about my Year to Live?  Check out where this all started. A Year To Live- 323 Days Left
Want to imagine me in a totally overwhelming dance class situation?  Then this is for you:  On being "just ok"