Tell me you love me!

We all need to feel loved.  It is essential to our health and well being. Not to mention our quality of life!

Feeling loved comes from feeling supported, connected and accepted by others. We exist in this world together. We live together, work together, play together, and dance together. Our sense of self is undoubtedly tied (in some way) to how we relate to others, as individuals and as groups. Others' reactions offer us feedback on who we are and how our actions have influence or not. But, for some of us, external feedback becomes more than just feedback. It becomes the test of whether we are worthy of being loved.

When we base our self worth on others' opinions, we enter the role of victim. We are subject to the highs and lows of that feedback.  We lose our sense of personal power when we give it away to the whims and preferences of others. On the flip side, we can't disregard all opinions of those around us.  That would be completely narcissistic and sociopathic.

It is not an all or nothing situation.  And, that is exactly what makes it so tricky and so emotionally confusing. 

I recently had a friend who posted a sort of "challenge" on Facebook, requesting those who actually care about her and the relationship/friendship to post one word in the comments about how they met.  On first glance it is a fun a playful game.  

But, when we look deeper, we can recognize the challenge as a powerful strategy for getting positive feedback which can momentarily bolster our sense of worth and importance.  Of course, the people who see it will respond!  They will want to pass the test and are now obligated if they want to affirm the relationship.  But, the strategy comes at a severe cost.  Those who don't post (for whatever reason including the fact that might not see it) have now "failed" the friendship. Is it an accurate portrayal of your friends? Or is is just a coincidence as to who was on a phone or computer at that given moment?  The test is imperfect, hugely imperfect. While it might seem benign at first, it can foster unhealthy ways of thinking about ourselves and who we are in relationship to others. What do we actually gain from asking people to post proof of their commitment or love? What happens if people don't post? And, ultimately, how does all of this affect our sense of self worth?

What does this painfully faulty, certainly imperfect, and potentially power sucking experience teach us?


Social media is entertainment (and marketing).  It is not about meaningful connection.  It can include meaningful moments, but that is the exception to the rule. In short, social media is a faulty feedback system.  As a choreographer and event director, I have learned just how easy it is for people to "like" an event or even join an event, but to actually show up at the event is another story. Social media is just plain inaccurate at times.

We know all this deep inside. Yet, we continue to play the game, and the neurons that fire together wire together. The more we engage, the more we think it is a good idea to engage.  But, it is certainly not a good idea to disengage, right? The feedback back system may be faulty, but it can still be useful, right? 

For me the key lies in the questions:
What do I hope to gain out of my time on social media?
With whom am I connecting and for what reasons?
How am I connecting and is it reflective of my real values or sense of self?

If we start to look to social media as our strategy for earning love, we will fall into a deep hole of powerlessness. This includes the moments when we feel "victory" for having 30 likes on a post, or 50 or 200! The moment of joy we feel when we get recognition is the moment we should question because it is in those moments that we have given away our power of self worth to someone else. Inevitably, the next post that only gets 2 likes will feel like a failure. Our self worth plummets again.

How do we protect ourselves from this vicious cycle?  We don't have to close our accounts, but we do have to practice awareness at every turn.  To check the highs as much as we check the lows.  We notice again and again when we are using the tool as a strategy for a deeper need like love, appreciation, connection, or acceptance.

Then we forgive ourselves. And. . . try again. 

Agency: Remembering You Have It

I have recently become enthralled with the word of agency. And, I am not just talking about an office full of paperwork where you sign on the line. Agency is also a term that encompasses our power to choose and act. 

Lesser used definitions of agency read as follows:
(from the online Miriam Webster dictionary) 

the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power 

and 

a person or thing through which power is exerted or an end is achieved

Ultimately agency is about our personal power. Agency is how we exert ourselves in the world, making choices about how, what, where, and when we do what we do.  We each have agency over our lives. I describe it to my students to remind them of the fact that they can walk out of the dance classroom at anytime.  No one is holding a gun to their head.  It is there choice to be in the room.  It is their choice to learn.  It is their choice grow and improve. And, it is their sense of personal agency that gives them the power to make these and other important choices.

Feeling like a victim is completely un-fun.  When I find myself feeling pressed for time, or frustrated with my work load, or just plain exhausted, I remind myself of my agency. I remind myself that I have the power to make my own decisions, and I am not a victim.  What this does is shift my thinking away from the heaviness of the moment and put me in a place of power.  I get to choose whether I want to do my work or not. I get to choose if I want to nap or not. I get to choose whether I write this blog or not.  These are all my choices.  

But, agency is coupled with the fact that there are real consequences to all that we do.  In order to not be a victim, we must be able to process the fact that certain behaviors come at a cost (and some with a very high price tag).  For instance, it is my choice whether to skip out on a meeting or a rehearsal, but that choice may mean losing out on the big picture. It may mean losing a friend, losing a part or loosing a job.  

But, in knowing that it is my choice, I get to ask myself "is it worth it?'  

This is the key to finding your own sense of autonomy and self worth.  Being a victim is essentially a cop out to owning our power and putting ourselves first in a giving situation.  When we complain as victims we have given up our agency.  Unless you literally have a gun to your head (or other life threatening situation), you have the choice.  

I have had a gun pointed at me. I was mugged when I was 21 in Solana Beach outside a club at 2am. In that moment, I had little agency.  I was a victim and as a result got my purse stolen but stayed alive.  That was a real-victim situation.  But, the rest of my life when I have felt like a victim, I have actually just made myself a victim. I chose the self definition of victim so I wouldn't have to own my personal power, so I didn't have to own the possibility of making a mistake or otherwise upsetting those around me (disappointed teacher, angry boyfriend, critical boss).  

Believing in your own autonomy and exercising your personal agency is tough!

It means that you have to love and respect yourself enough to make a decision.  But, when you make a decision that is rooted in your own self trust and self love, it feels good. It feels right.  It lets you go to sleep at night with a sense of ease.  There is comfort in knowing that you have a choice.  And, when I realize I have a choice I am reminded of what is really important.  Yes, I may feel stressed from a day at work, but I love teaching, and I choose to be there.  Even on the toughest day, I choose to be there.  When I feel tired and like I don't want to exercise, I am reminded that I exercise to feel better.  Or, when I am tired and just want to sleep, I can choose to do exactly that.  

Right and wrong is irrelevant. Honoring of yourself and acting in congruence with your values and life purpose is what matters.  

Knowing you have the choice makes the choice a lot easier.  

Beth

Save the Blue Sweater!

I have a great, light blue, summer sweater.  It is fabulous. I bought it about a year ago at Anthropology.  It was expensive, as all things at Anthropology are, but so worth it!

I wore it for the first time today.

Say what??

You heard me. . . FIRST TIME! TODAY!!!

I owned this fabulous and flirty sweater for a year, and I never wore it! 

Many of you reading this are now completely confused and understandably so.  Why would I buy this incredibly awesome (and pricey) sweater and not wear it for a year? Answer: Because I am crazy.

I was "saving it," for the "right occasion," a "special day."  I didn't want to "ruin it!" After all it really was a luxury purchase.  Right?

WRONG.

I need to do the exact math, but I figure I have about 70 days left in my year to live (See former posts below regarding my Year to Live practice).  And, frankly, this sweater needed to be worn before the timer ran out.  So, I wore it today, complete with a necklace and earrings.  Oh yes, and I went out!

. . . to Trader Joes.

. . . then to a friend's house.

. . . then I took a nap (in said sweater).

But, of course there are other items in my closet with the tag still on.  Multiple items.  And, what am I waiting for?

I was waiting, expecting, hoping, believing that there was something else out there. Something better. Some better day to wear my precious and beloved sweater.   I reverse engineered my reasoning and figured out that not wearing the sweater was devaluing my current life (to the day). I figured out that not wearing the sweater was a metaphor for my relationship to lots of things in my life.  Not taking advantage of the present gifts I already possess.

When you are afraid that you won't have enough, you grasp on to what you have, protect it, save it, hide it.  Was I really worried another blue sweater was never going to come along in my lifetime?  Yes! Somewhere deep down inside of my cells that is exactly the reasoning behind my strange behavior.  But, rationally I knew another blue sweater would come along (have you seen the pace of fashion changes these days?).  The real issue wasn't that I wouldn't find another blue sweater, the root on not wearing the sweater resides in a deep seated fear that my life as it was wasn't worthy of such a nice thing.   Therefore I had to save it.

I don't have time to live my life that way (Hello! 70 days!). None of us have time to live that way.  And, I am not talking about spending your life savings on a whim.  But, rather, looking at what your actions and patterns say about your value set.  Mine included an insidious belief that there was something more, that there was something on the other side of today that was going to be better and therefore blue sweater worthy!

But, what would that day look like?

I'll tell ya, what that day looks like. It looks like a TJ's run and a visit with friends.

That's all.  There is no more.

So, put on the sweater. Wear it out. Wear it to spill coffee or dribble toothpaste on it!  Wear it with love and reckless abandon.

Today. 

More on Beth's Crazy Year to Live Adventures (in reverse chronological order)
94 Days to Live
Finding Success
Diving Into the Experience
Boom!. . . Flat on My Back
Last Birthday in my Year to Live
Denying the Life that Is
Stones for Change
A Year to Live: 323 Days Left!

Finding Success

I have been studying dance since I was 3, I have been teaching dance since I was 14 and have been making my living as a full time college dance instructor for 9 years. By most people's definition I am successful within my career.  Then why do I feel this constant need to "prove myself"?

I am still relatively young in my career.  Of course as a dancer I am by definition "old."  At 33, my future resume does not likely include "commercial dancer."  I never even wanted that route. I was all about education, choreography and dance studies all along.  Perhaps you also had a clear path to your current career-profession.  Or, perhaps you meandered and changed a lot...

The point is. . or rather the question is: when do you stop and realize that you have arrived and you don't have to keep proving yourself to the world?  When do you look down and realize that the grass is green right where you are, and the neighbor's lawn may be beautiful but that doesn't mean you should want it or have it?

As young (dance) professionals, we are trained to achieve, to grow our presence in the world and keep "climbing the ladder" so to speak.  We want our students to be higher achieving, our companies to be more widely recognized, ourselves to be in demand as choreographers and instructors.  We want the fame, the glory, the recognition that we have made it!

Except it isn't about what we are doing or what we achieve at all.  Life is about recognizing where we are, following our life's "purpose" and accepting that we are enough just as we are.  I have been a sort of "natural" leader my whole life (I think in part because I am tall and use a lot of expressive gestures).  But, leadership is not the only success to be found in the world, and just because I have been in leadership roles doesn't meant it is the only way for me "succeed."  

And, I am starting to see more clearly how I don't need to compete for a leadership position. I am already in one. In many!  I may not be world recognized, but does that really matter?  At what point will I say I have achieved success.  When I achieve world domination?  Yes! 

No! Obviously not. World domination isn't my goal.  So, what is?  To lead on a school level, on a city level, on a state level, on a national level, on an international level, on a galactic level?!? This is crazy! I am crazy!!  There will always be someone more well known, with more twitter followers and more blog readers.  I am realizing that I have been mislead by my own misunderstanding of success and leadership. 

The good news is that I am connecting the dots; they seem obvious as I write them, but to really believe them on a heart and even cellular level is tougher than it seems.  I am realizing that I am already doing the work. I am already shaping the world around me. But the coolest part is, I am shaping it not only as a "leader/teacher/choreographer/director" but as a supporter!

I am finding wonderful reward in supporting those around me who are doing amazing and wonderful things. I see more clearly than ever that this is a world of abundance and part of my role is to support those around me who are doing the work I believe in.  Being a busy leader is a lonely place, and I want balance and community.  No more competition "to the top" (whatever that is supposed to mean!)

There is no top! There are only those whom we encounter each and everyday.  And, giving more to them and supporting them is making my green lawn a wonderful place for everyone to play!

How do you support people you believe in?  Are you a "leader"? And, what does that mean to you? Are you a supporter?  Which gives you more satisfaction?

Ego vs Artist

(I wrote the first draft of this blog 2 weeks ago while I was up in the Bay Area... I never actually posted it, so I am sharing it now with some current additions. Enjoy!)

I attended the San Francisco Zen Center yesterday evening.  I had a wonderful time sitting in the location where Shunryu Suzuki first established the Soto Zen practice in the United States.  I had read his biography over a year ago, The Crooked Cucumber.  It, in combination, of Natalie Goldberg's books (on Zen and Writing) were the two influences that prompted me to delve into Zen Buddhism. 

Now, I try to go to the Northridge Beginner's Mind Zen Center when I have time and sit occasionally at home or in other meditation groups some of which are not necessary Buddhist but fill my need for sangha (like minded community). 

My current question is centered around my experience as an artist and how to navigate the dance making process while not succumbing to the whims of the ego (a big No No in the Buddhist world).  This line of questioning actually started about a year ago, when I first created this blog.  The challenge of being a performing artist is inherent in the art itself. Dance is a live art form dependent on others.  If I were just a poet, I could feasibly write and write and write without ever having to show anyone and then allow my work to be found in a trunk after I am gone, not caring whether they publish a series of books from the vast amount of writing or simply stick it in the recycle bin.

Being a poet seems like it would be so much simpler in that way.  I wouldn't have to be around when others read it, I wouldn't have to worry about renting a studio or theater or gathering dancers to volunteer their time and talents for my vision.  A poet can work alone, at any time, day or night without hindrance. 

But, I am a performer and a creator of performance.  And, here is the crux of my suffering, I want people to want to see my work and (gasp) like the work. 

But, why???

I haven't quite sorted that out yet.  In the worst case it is because I am egotistical.  The best case is that I have a mission to bring joy and mindfulness to the world through dance.  The trouble comes when I can't tell which is the driving force. 

Trouble. 

Am I merely a self centered egoist? Or am I the ultimate altruistic artist? 

Why am I driven to do what I do? 

I need to spend a lot more time figuring this out and ASAP.  Because, in the meantime I am suffering. I suffer each time I feel a pang of envy, or a shake of insecurity.  I feel it when I bristle upon hearing of others success and in all the hours I plague myself with self doubt and dislike for the work I create.  I am suffering, and it is ugly.  I don't like admitting it.  I am embarrassed.  But, this is the truth, and I gather that this is the truth for many or even most artists. 

We may not know why we are driven to do what we do and I believe losing the context of why we create plays a large part in our suffering as artists.  I am fortunate that I make my living teaching therefore I don't have to make money with my art.  But, it still feels overwhelmingly important to me. And, I want to make sure it is important for the RIGHT reason.  Not to feed my ego but to feed my spirit and the spirit of the dancer and audience members (more on that coming soon).

Here is a list I have come up with to help me determine whether I am working from a healthy or detrimental place. Perhaps you will enjoy the list as well.

Beth


Signs that I am an egotistical artist:
-- Focus on the other:  sometimes I catch myself thinking too much about what other people are doing with their dances.  This should be irrelevant. It is one thing to observe and enjoy; it is another to use these opportunities for either self validation or flagellation. 
--Frustration with the product:  The product is irrelevant, art making is about the process. The dance should be nothing more than the residue of the creative experience. 
--Identification with the dance:  I am not the dance.  My success is not tied to the success of the dance.  There is no success to be attained. 
--Desire for validation/accolades:  This is a big one for me.  I want people to tell me it was good!  I want people to like it.  But, I need to rethink why I want a positive response. It is because I hope to create art that touches the hearts of the audience or because I want praise. 


Signs I am an altruistic artist:
--Enjoyment/witness of the other:  In watching a dance artist I am inspired to continue my path with the new insight from those around me.
--Joy of Process:  I know I am in the right place when going to the studio or rehearsal is fun! And, even problem solving is fun.
--Focus on the Message:  I create dances with a message (sometimes for me sometimes for the world).  When I am creating from this place, it takes ME out of the equation and puts the goal of the art at the forefront.
--Self care/ Self love:  I know I am working from a healthy place when I can offer myself deep compassion through the struggles that are inherent in a creative process.  When I forget to forgive myself/love myself/have patience with myself then I am in a fighting place.  I am fighting with my ego that has expectations that are unhelpful to the process. 


In short when I am creating from this place....

                                                       ... I know I am creating from the right place.

The Clicking in My Throat

I have gone through different phases of my life in which I "believe" in the chakras of the body.  While going to massage school and receiving Reiki transmission, I really owned the idea of the energetic centers of the body.  Since then, they have moved in and out prominence in my mind.

But, recently I have had a sequence of experiences and observations that have put them back at the forefront of my radar.  This time focus is on the 5th Chakra or throat Chakra. The center for the voice, communication, expression and in some ways creativity. 

Here's the History:
I developed a clicking in my throat (when swallowing) about 4 years ago. I had been ill with a cough and cold, and I developed a clicking near the hyoid bone (the floating bone in the throat).  I supposed it would go away when the swelling of the tissues went down. But, much to my dismay, it never did. 

It isn't a painful clicking. Just annoying. 

One of the benefits of meditation for me is the relaxation in the throat and jaw often results in a "lack of click" when I swallow.  Upon postural analysis, I discovered part of the click is due to my forward head posture, which is also only about 4 years old. So, when I practice seated meditation in alignment, with my skull balanced and the throat relaxed, the clicking lessens or disappears (for a while at least). 

The Dream:
All this is background for a dream I had last night.  I was teaching a large dance class, and I couldn't be heard over the chatter of the students.  They weren't listening and were not going to stop talking just because I was about to start.  I screamed at them (totally unlike me in the real classroom) "Be Quiet!"  "Listen" and then "Shut up!"  They still talked I walked over to talking students and tapped them on the shoulder trying to get them to turn around and listen.  But, once I did others were talking, then others and others.  I couldn't be loud enough, I couldn't be heard. I was panicked and frustrated. Angry more than anything. 

But upon waking I realized, this all relates to the throat Chakra. The was the second dream with this theme in the past two weeks. Clearly, I feel the need to be heard, to speak my mind, to express myself.  The irony, is that I am dutifully and respectfully heard by most of my students.  I don't have these issues in waking life. So, what the heck was this all about?

Conclusion:
I have concluded that somehow, my move to the LA area (5 years ago) triggered a note of insecurity in me.  I knew this as it was happening, but just pushed through and did my best at the time.  But, the result has been an ever growing fear of "losing my voice."  LA is so big and there are so many people with so many ideas.  Mine seem so feeble in comparison.  It could be that I want to be heard, but I think more accurately that I want to trust that I have something worthy of being said.  That I have the strength and conviction to speak my mind and express myself with confidence. 

Choreographing Chicago (the spring musical) has put me face to face with my need express myself and not merely "do the job" as choreographer or as a person.  I want to be heard, but I first have to stop and listen to myself. 

The clicking in my throat is my reminder to trust the 5th Chakra.  To trust my voice and to speak from the seat of the soul. And perhaps, with time and practice it and the fear I think it represents will disappear also.