Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Checklist (a boring title for a boring topic) ugh!

So, my checklist practice has been an interesting one. I was feeling so very good about it all, until, then, in the very next moment, I wasn't.  As a practice, it is something I think I will keep (for the time being).  Checking one more thing of my list before I head to bed is a good practice for me, because (in general) it lets me sleep better with the knowledge that I am not a complete failure.

Of course, I have many successes in life. I see those. And, no, I don't really believe that I am a complete failure (at least most of the time). But, it seems that if anything can get me down, it is the feeling of being overwhelmed.  It crashes upon me, and I drown in my own mucky slop of self pity and indecision.

I want to be everything to everyone.  I care what people think of me. . . and the checklist, well, it is a good thing. But, it taught me that I have a hard time disappointing people.  And, the fear of disappointing someone is seemingly just as guilt producing.  I see now that a checklist is more than just a boring old checklist. I now see it as a list of symbols of commitment which is a much larger issue.

The checklist is just the tip of an iceberg that is my issue of over commitment. Those who know me and are reading this are snickering right now with "I told you so's".  Because, I never take a real break. I might take a day or maybe two.  But I never have nothing to do.

But, that is the norm right?

"Come on! Everyone is doing it!"  (Read with the inflection of childhood taunters)

It's hip to have your fingers in a million different pies and to celebrate that you were able to accomplish so much without dropping one of your spinning plates.  It's cool to be stressed. And, if you aren't, then you are not doing enough! Aren't we evolved beings who know how to time manage with perfection? Aren't there entire TV networks devoted to being the perfect multi-tasker, family woman, professional, friend, cook, etc. etc. etc. . .

I got conned into thinking I could do it all. That I could look perfect and be perfect and have a gazillion things on my mind while keeping my cool.

Well, news flash. It doesn't work that way. At least not for me.

I am surprised at how much recuperation time I need.  A LOT!  I see other people go all day long without a dip in energy (or, at least it appears that way to me) but my bio rhythms dance to a different drummer. I am up and down, powerful and vibrant, then slumping and sleeping.  I am not the tortoise; I am the hare in this children's story of life. I sprint then rest, then sprint, then rest.

Why do I feel like everyone else can sprint all the time?  

I am productive.  But, my overcommitment is taking a toll on the quality of my productivity.  I am ready to shift away from breadth and into depth. One thing on the checklist that is really worth committing to.

Just not sure which one that is yet. . .

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