Denying the LIfe That Is - 287 Days Left

Of course, I remember the past 2 weeks. I actually did a lot! It involved Thanksgiving turkey, rehearsals, getting a cold, rainy days, and grading papers among other things.

But, this is my year to live! And, yesterday I had to come to terms with that fact that while I was living I had forgotten to rip off two weeks worth of days from my Year to Live Calendar!  2 weeks! Fourteen days! Gone. 

I could have ripped them off all together and been done with it. I mean, I had been busy. I thought to myself:  It was the holidays, I got sick, I was distracted, my back was injured.  . .

True, but that is not the point.  I didn't rip them off all at once in a stack.

I ripped them off one by one. Counting out 14 days of missed life. 

But, I was living! Wasn't I??

Well, yes and no. I realized that while I was busy "living" and enduring colds, tough dental work appointments and an injury to my low back, I had forgotten to take note of each passing day, and I had let 2 weeks go by in a blink! I had been so good about ripping the pages off daily.  I needed to figure out what had changed.  Was I just because I was busier and more challenged? 

No.  

I realized that these past two weeks, starting with a re-aggravated lower back, I was denying the life that is.  My life.

I was closing myself off (and losing days of my life) because I didn't like that I was "living" a life of pain.  Better to ignore the whole thing, right?

No.

There will always be issues, there will always be pain. I was in denial of my current state of living and in so doing I was denying my life as a whole.  Yet, as much as I know pain is a part of human life, going through days in pain is not easy.  Intellectual understanding of pain doesn't make the pain go away.  And, no amount of wishing it would heal faster will make it heal faster. 

But seeing the white pages of the calendar dropping in the trash one by one was a wake up call that time will still pass whether I acknowledge it or not.  So, if I am going to enjoy this "Year to Live" I need to wake up and not let an injury or a cold wipe away my days.  

I see now that, somewhere in my brain I thought that not taking off the calendar sheets on these pain filled days would somehow magically make the world stop spinning and the days stop passing.  But, that is not how time works.  Back pain or no, today is the only thing that matters.  I have to make the most of it (whatever that means to me today). So tonight when I rip off the date and watch number 287 float into the trash bin, I can feel good about my efforts to experience it all.