Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Clicking in My Throat

I have gone through different phases of my life in which I "believe" in the chakras of the body.  While going to massage school and receiving Reiki transmission, I really owned the idea of the energetic centers of the body.  Since then, they have moved in and out prominence in my mind.

But, recently I have had a sequence of experiences and observations that have put them back at the forefront of my radar.  This time focus is on the 5th Chakra or throat Chakra. The center for the voice, communication, expression and in some ways creativity. 

Here's the History:
I developed a clicking in my throat (when swallowing) about 4 years ago. I had been ill with a cough and cold, and I developed a clicking near the hyoid bone (the floating bone in the throat).  I supposed it would go away when the swelling of the tissues went down. But, much to my dismay, it never did. 

It isn't a painful clicking. Just annoying. 

One of the benefits of meditation for me is the relaxation in the throat and jaw often results in a "lack of click" when I swallow.  Upon postural analysis, I discovered part of the click is due to my forward head posture, which is also only about 4 years old. So, when I practice seated meditation in alignment, with my skull balanced and the throat relaxed, the clicking lessens or disappears (for a while at least). 

The Dream:
All this is background for a dream I had last night.  I was teaching a large dance class, and I couldn't be heard over the chatter of the students.  They weren't listening and were not going to stop talking just because I was about to start.  I screamed at them (totally unlike me in the real classroom) "Be Quiet!"  "Listen" and then "Shut up!"  They still talked I walked over to talking students and tapped them on the shoulder trying to get them to turn around and listen.  But, once I did others were talking, then others and others.  I couldn't be loud enough, I couldn't be heard. I was panicked and frustrated. Angry more than anything. 

But upon waking I realized, this all relates to the throat Chakra. The was the second dream with this theme in the past two weeks. Clearly, I feel the need to be heard, to speak my mind, to express myself.  The irony, is that I am dutifully and respectfully heard by most of my students.  I don't have these issues in waking life. So, what the heck was this all about?

I have concluded that somehow, my move to the LA area (5 years ago) triggered a note of insecurity in me.  I knew this as it was happening, but just pushed through and did my best at the time.  But, the result has been an ever growing fear of "losing my voice."  LA is so big and there are so many people with so many ideas.  Mine seem so feeble in comparison.  It could be that I want to be heard, but I think more accurately that I want to trust that I have something worthy of being said.  That I have the strength and conviction to speak my mind and express myself with confidence. 

Choreographing Chicago (the spring musical) has put me face to face with my need express myself and not merely "do the job" as choreographer or as a person.  I want to be heard, but I first have to stop and listen to myself. 

The clicking in my throat is my reminder to trust the 5th Chakra.  To trust my voice and to speak from the seat of the soul. And perhaps, with time and practice it and the fear I think it represents will disappear also.

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