Spirit of Learning (Recent thoughts on Education)

(I wrote this for my students but it certainly applies to all of life.)

Go! Do! Be More! Faster! Harder! Aaaaaaah!

It seems the world is pushing us to hurry up and . . . what?  . . . be successful?
What does that even mean?

I have been reading a very interesting book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F---K, by Mark Manson. Despite its punchy title, it is a powerful little book that puts into perspective what it is we are here to do in this lifetime and what really matters. I highly recommend it.

The reason I bring it up is that I have found recently that many students have forgotten what it really means to get an education. News Flash: Education is not merely preparing to have a job.  If you are well educated it is more likely you will get a job, but education does not have the explicit goal of getting you a job. Training will get you a job. Education will give you quality of life. 

The Spirit of Learning is the spirit of real education. And, that is what I am most interested in as a teacher, as a human!.  What is the bigger picture here? So, when you submit an assignment (as crazy making as it can seem) it is not about the length, it is not about the number of sentences, words, characters. Everything you turn in for credit is an opportunity to show me that you are putting in the time to investigate the content of the course and most importantly how it changes you, your views, your appreciation. your world! This is the stuff that will enrich your life and make it meaningful.
Counting points to get that A (or B or C) will only torment you. That is not the spirit of learning.
I promise that if you do your best to communicate the spirit of your learning in each and every assignment the grade will follow. Because you will actually be learning.

Things that require you to work hard are thing worth having. Freebies are transient and disposable.  They may make you happy in the short term, but they will not make you happy in the long term.

Give yourself a chance to enjoy your education.

3 Tips for the Spirit of Learning

Ask yourself:
1. "What is the goal of this assignment?" "Why would my teacher assign it to me?" Answer those question within your submission.

2. "How am I representing myself in my work?" "Do I express that I learned something from the assigned reading?" "Do I honor the process with full sentences and grammar?" Ensure your submission reflects your mature thinking and values.

3. "Is there a way I could actually make this FUN?" That doesn't mean you have to spend MORE time on the assignment, it is about your ability to enjoy the challenge and/or process while you are working. (In fact it might actually take you less time working this way. . . just sayin')

You cannot run on empty forever

I often feel like I am just barely getting by. And, then even when I do everything I am supposed to do or have agreed to do, I still feel like I have barely done enough.  I have done the bare minimum.  However, I often have people around me surprised (and impressed) that I do so much and that I have so many successes and achievements in life! This reaction I get from people is both flattering and problematic because it tells my brain that this mode of operation (force feeding myself a schedule that is perhaps unreasonable and unsustainable) is a good thing.

I love making people happy.  And, I am usually pretty good at it.  My high achieving way of life reflects that skill and value.  However, it comes at a cost.  I feel perpetually behind, guilty when I watch 2 hours of TV and a general malaise of anxiety at most times.  This is not the quality of life I want. But, how can I do less?

What I have done is equated my self-worth with the worth of my achievements.   If I accomplish a lot, I am fine. If I do not, I am sub-par.

My next step is to untangle my self worth from my ability to achieve.  This doesn't mean I stop trying to do what I want to do in my life. It means that I get to make choices about what I want to do and how much I want to do in a given, day, week, month.  My worth as a human is the same whether I win a Nobel peace prize or just visit with a lonely friend or sit at home reading.

My student asked me the other day, "How do you do it?!?  You always have so much energy!! How do you rehearse til 10pm and then lead a class the next morning at 8am with a smile on your face?!?"  

And, I took that moment to respond because I couldn't let this misperception of me continue. I explained, "I don't always do it well.  I have to really organize my time and energy to pull off that schedule.  I have learned that I can really only do one or two 14 hour days a week.  And, after I manage my way through those longs days, I take huge naps on my off days.   I don't have super human powers! I can't run on empty forever.  No one can!"

My real secret to showing up to work rested and ready to work is a 3 hour nap followed by a nice meal.  No magic. No tricks. No energy drinks.  

People think I am always sparkly and bouncy.  I'm not.  I am only occasionally sparkly and bouncy when I am not passed out on my bed or sitting down to enjoy a nourishing meal.  My students in the spring musical are burning the candle at both ends.  Some may say "They can do it; they are young!"  But, I disagree, no one at any age can push through forever.  There is a cost to behavior that is forced.  So, what do I recommend my students do? They have to complete their school work, likely keep a job, prepare their role for the show, learn their lines and harmonies, recall the dances and be able to focus for 4hrs straight in rehearsals 4x/week.

They really have two options: pull it out at all costs, or make the tough decisions about what behavior really serves them and what doesn't?  When are they most authentic to who they are and the person they want to be? What do they really need right now? More flappy birds? or a nap? or a meal? And, are they willing to give themselves that?

I am learning that being exhausted because of overwork is not an achievement.  I no longer want to live that life. What I decide to do, I want to do well, with energy and focus and clarity.  And, however much that is, however little or grand, is enough.

Beth

Pep Talk for the Teachers

Welcome to the crunch time.  

If you are like me, you too might be wondering: How am I going to finish this semester?   

This happens to me most every semester. I start off strong, hopeful, excited (possibly deluded), and about 5 weeks from the end, I start to wonder what have I done? I am tired, overwhelmed and worried that time is running out.  Plus, my students are tired, overwhelmed and worried that time is running out.  A clear recipe for disaster.

I started explaining to my students the nature of an instructor's thinking process.

Optimistic Teacher experience:

 

Weeks 1-4  The teacher is filled with hope. She feels patient when students stumble because it is the beginning of the semester and they are "still learning the ropes," and everyone needs a break now and again when they are learning.

Week 5-9 The teacher is in the meat of the content, tons of information is coming out and the students are still grasping at straws trying to figure out what is expected of them.  Patience it still present because the students still have a chance to catch up!

Week 10-13 The teacher is feeling the pressure. The students need to learn this! Time is running out!  Patience is running thin.  The students should know better at this point.  

Week 14-18 The teacher is disappointed.  The students are making the same mistakes and the teacher’s patience has run out. Have they learned anything?  There is no more time to save this ship. Despondency hits.

Combine that with the Struggling Student experience:

Week 1-4 The student is filled with hope, ready for a fresh start.  The teacher is so nice and so patient.  I can do this!

Week 5-9  The student is settling in, but this is way more work than expected. But, it's still the beginning of the semester! What?!?  Time for midterms?!? We just started school! I haven’t studied. But, it is ok, I can make it up.

Week 10-13 The student is tired. The student has a hard time focusing because they caught a cold, and they have so much to do, they don’t know where to start.  Mountains of homework have piled up and the teacher is so demanding! She has no patience anymore! I am stuck!

Week 14-18 The student notices just how far behind they have gotten.  This is serious! They go to the teacher in hopes of figuring out how to put a semester’s worth of learning into 4 weeks.  She explains that is not how it works, and: no, she will not give you the notes from the lectures.  Student: I am screwed. The world is against me.

Somehow, I think I can change the nature of the student/teacher experience. But, I am realizing that maybe that is simply the inherent nature of the student teacher experience. 

 

But, the reality is that for every difficult student there are actually 10 lovely students who have learned so much!  Just this week I received this note from a Modern I student’s journal entry:

“Taking a dance class has completely changed my views on the activity of dancing, as a whole. "

However, we as humans are biologically build to remember and focus on the challenges. It is part of our survival biology. So, it is easy to forget the success of the many, when faced with the struggle of a few.  It is particularly hard for me to accept that students have the right to fail. I want them to succeed so badly that I forget that I actually have NO control over their choice making.  Those who want to learn will, and those who haven’t put in the effort will not.  No amount of convincing will change it.

And, remember that we are doing something right. We do care. We have given them tools.  We have shared information.  And, some have learned lessons that have nothing to do with the content, but have everything to do with their future lives. 

To all teachers: This is YOUR pep talk.  We give pep talks all the time, but around this time, it is we who need a little uplift to keep us in good spirits. 

Learning takes time. And, a semester will never be enough time to learn it all.  And, that is ok.  Students will struggle because humans will struggle. My Zen teacher reminded me today that “We are all ordinary.”  No one is better or worse. No one is closer to enlightenment than another.  We are all simply ordinary.  We learn the lessons as they come to us and as we need to learn them. Students and teachers: we are all learning life. 

As instructors we get to be reminded of this every semester. 

Learn and let learn.

Beth

I'm not a perfectionist! . . . am I?

I learned an interesting life lesson this week. . . about being a perfectionist.

I have been called a perfectionist, and I never liked that. Because I'm not a perfectionist when it comes to so many things.  As a teacher, I don't plan my class lessons down to the minute (I hardly "plan" my class lessons at all).  As a choreographer I rely on what I call "accidental greatness."  This is jokingly/seriously become the motto of Megill & Company.  I often will create something and be surprised by the fact that I like it.  I often leave lots of room for interpretation and thus plenty of room for accidental greatness.  As a performer I absolutely love improvisation.  And, as a researcher, good enough seems, well. . . good enough. 

So, I never thought I was a perfectionist.  But, I discovered this week that there is one instance where I believe anything less than perfect is simply unsatisfactory.  And, that is when I let others down.

I am very much willing to admit when I make mistakes, and I am very much willing to suffer the consequences of my own mistakes.  But, when I make a mistake that affects others, I am an absolute terror to myself.  There is no forgiveness. There is no acceptance. There is no compassion. 

I learned this week that I expect myself to be perfect when it comes to my obligations to others. 

I forgive myself in creative situations, in teaching situations, even in learning situations. But if my mistake affects my peers or colleagues, THAT is another story.  This week I made a mistake that I could have avoided. I knew better and had no excuse for my mistake.  I couldn't blame ignorance. I could blame misunderstanding.

It was flat out my fault.

But, humans make mistakes all the time.  So why was this different? In reflecting upon my situation, I learned that I was not upset because I made a mistake, but because it affected people I care about. My actions affected people whom I respect and hope respect me in return.  In other words I had  let these people down and to me that was not ok. 

The reality was that it wasn't even a big deal. It was solvable and in the end it worked itself out.

But, the lesson was inside of this situation.  I desire that people like me. I desire that I make people happy. I want to ease their suffering. I want to aid them in whatever way possible.  I want to be a net positive in the lives of others. I like making people smile. I like seeing people relax in my presence because they know that I will accept them as they are.  But, there is a cost to this desire.

In Buddhism desire equals suffering, and in this situation is is perfectly true.  

There is a cost to my desire to do good.  When I let others down, I believe that I have failed. When I have disappointed others, I believe that I have proven myself unworthy.  Thus, when it comes to others, I expect perfection.  I expect myself to be nothing short of excellent in my interpersonal interactions. I desire others happiness to such an extend that even the smallest mistake can shatter my sense of self.

I must learn that I will disappoint people.  We all will.

There is no such thing as perfect, and when we make a mistake that affects others it is exactly that. . . a mistake.  An oversight. A misunderstanding. A miscalculation.  An accident.

People will be disappointed in me.  I must learn to accept that.

In the meantime, I will continue to try by best. Not because it make others happy, but because it makes me happy.  I enjoy a job well done.  I enjoy coordinating shows, organizing choreography, helping people when I can.  But, there is no guarantee. 

Making mistakes is part of life. Learning to recover from our mistakes is our practice. 

Beth

When have you made a mistake and felt bad about it? Did you do everything you could? Have you forgiven yourself?

Teaching: by Beth Megill

I often find myself wanting to be everything to everyone as a dance teacher.  But, of course, not only is that impossible, but it is also exhausting.

As a teacher I am continually changing and updating my techniques, approaches, methods, tools and ideas.  I continue to search for the right balance between tuning into student needs/wants and creating innovative experiences for those students to be challenged. 

I mistakenly believe that I can be/want to be/should be the best teacher in the entire world!  And, if I am not, then I have failed! Ha!  That is just crazy talk.  But, deep down that is the belief under which I am operating.

I know it is crazy. But, emotional belief sets don't see the line between realistic and crazy. So, I get worried. One minute I worry that I am not enough of a physical challenge, and the next I worry that my material is totally inaccessible and too hard.  I worry that I am too boring, then I worry that I am not taking enough time to slow down and go deep. I worry that other teachers push harder, then I worry that I am pushing them too hard and risking injury.  I am a mess.

It's no wonder I often leave the dance classroom feeling like I have in someway fallen short of expectation.  I have set up demands and conditions for myself that are outright contradictory and therefore impossible. 

I can't be everything.

And I hate to break it to you... But, you can't be everything either. 

We are just as we are.  And, I am ready to let that be ok. 

So what type of a teacher am I? 

Curious:  I love curiosity. I am continually curious about the way the body moves, the way we think, the way we feel, and how/why we create art.  I don't have all the answers, and I am suspicious of people who think they do have all the answers.  I appreciate students who are willing to be curious with me.

Concerned:  I am very concerned for the physical and psychological health of my students. I have suffered so many injuries of the years, that I can't/won't push people.  If people want a drill sargeant, I am NOT the teacher for you.  I would rather you think, then try, then rest, then re-think, and try again.  Fatigue is a real hazzard for dancers, and I just am not willing to risk it. 

Playful:  I like to have fun. I have serious moments, but my love of dance really comes out when I am joyful in movement. I like to smile and be silly in most circumstances.  What I notice is that this takes me out of "work" mode and into play mode.  So, class starts to feel less like a "technique" class and more like a celebration. 

Varied:  You really never know what you will get with me. One day we might meditate, the next day we might make dances, the next we might work on alignment, the next work on fuettes.  I worry that I am somehow NOT consistent enough, but I am learning to just accept that this is what I love about dance, that there are so many facets to the surface of the diamond of dance.

Guiding:  I consider myself a guiding teacher rather than a driving teacher.  This is tough, because it requires that the students drive their learning.  I realize that this is hard for many students, and can be exhausting. Sometimes, we just want to be told what to do.  I have also felt that way as a student! But, it is not in my nature to tell you what to do.  I will ask you to try it, then you get to decide. 

Nerdy:  I am a total nerd.  I know many dancers who love dance because it allows their kinesthetic brain to take over for 2 hours.  I don't exactly work that way.  I am interested in cultivating thinking dancers. Dancers who listen to their bodies, make connections between their inner world and the outer world.  I get jazzed about dance theory.  It opens up a horizon filled with movement opportunities.  I believe in dance as a creative and intellectual process as much as a kinesthetic adventure. 

Interested in Personal Growth:  Sometimes I wonder whether it is dance that I love teaching or whether it is quality of life.  The truth is one feeds the other.  Dance is a vehicle for life-learning about who we are, how we operate in the world and how we express ourselves (to others and to ourselves).  Dance is a vulnerable activity in which we are completely exposed in our strengths and weaknesses (physical and mental).  It incorporates so many of the senses and forms of intelligence, it is the perfect tool for self reflection on all fronts.  I don't really care how high you kick your leg or how many turns you can do.  I might be able help you do both better, but that is just mechanics. 

A good friend and fellow dance instructor said to me the other day "I am more of a trainer and you are more of an educator."  I have been thinking a lot about that statement.  I understand what he meant, but it forced me to ask myself, what type of teacher am I and what type of teacher do I want to be? What am I teaching through dance? And, which elements might I be missing in my current classes? 

I find my friends word choice so interesting. . . He is right in that, I don't use the word trainer for what I do -- in fact I don't think I ever have ever used train for the learning process in dance.  I have never asked a someone to come "train with me."  Or, say "Yes, that dancer trained under me."  Interesting.  I am just now thinking about this for the first time.  I might say that student "studied with me."  Maybe.  But mostly I say I have "worked with a student"  Worked WITH, because I ask the students to work 100% of the time; they do the work, with me, side by side.  They make the discoveries; they make the connections; they ask the questions of themselves and others. 

I have found that I learn things when I need to learn them. . . not before.  So, I trust that the students will ask the questions when they are ready for the answers. And, to take it one step further, I believe they need to find the answers for themselves 90% or the time!

I am not sure, if this is the best approach. I am not sure what this means in terms of changing student's lives and their dance world.  I am not sure of many things at the moment. But, I do know that I have to stop trying to be everything to every student who walks in the door.  It just doesn't work that way.  I have to trust myself, teaching what feels right. And, I need to trust that those students who want to learn what I have to offer will be there, and that I can walk with them on their journey of learning and learn even more about dance and myself along the way. 

Beth

Finding Success

I have been studying dance since I was 3, I have been teaching dance since I was 14 and have been making my living as a full time college dance instructor for 9 years. By most people's definition I am successful within my career.  Then why do I feel this constant need to "prove myself"?

I am still relatively young in my career.  Of course as a dancer I am by definition "old."  At 33, my future resume does not likely include "commercial dancer."  I never even wanted that route. I was all about education, choreography and dance studies all along.  Perhaps you also had a clear path to your current career-profession.  Or, perhaps you meandered and changed a lot...

The point is. . or rather the question is: when do you stop and realize that you have arrived and you don't have to keep proving yourself to the world?  When do you look down and realize that the grass is green right where you are, and the neighbor's lawn may be beautiful but that doesn't mean you should want it or have it?

As young (dance) professionals, we are trained to achieve, to grow our presence in the world and keep "climbing the ladder" so to speak.  We want our students to be higher achieving, our companies to be more widely recognized, ourselves to be in demand as choreographers and instructors.  We want the fame, the glory, the recognition that we have made it!

Except it isn't about what we are doing or what we achieve at all.  Life is about recognizing where we are, following our life's "purpose" and accepting that we are enough just as we are.  I have been a sort of "natural" leader my whole life (I think in part because I am tall and use a lot of expressive gestures).  But, leadership is not the only success to be found in the world, and just because I have been in leadership roles doesn't meant it is the only way for me "succeed."  

And, I am starting to see more clearly how I don't need to compete for a leadership position. I am already in one. In many!  I may not be world recognized, but does that really matter?  At what point will I say I have achieved success.  When I achieve world domination?  Yes! 

No! Obviously not. World domination isn't my goal.  So, what is?  To lead on a school level, on a city level, on a state level, on a national level, on an international level, on a galactic level?!? This is crazy! I am crazy!!  There will always be someone more well known, with more twitter followers and more blog readers.  I am realizing that I have been mislead by my own misunderstanding of success and leadership. 

The good news is that I am connecting the dots; they seem obvious as I write them, but to really believe them on a heart and even cellular level is tougher than it seems.  I am realizing that I am already doing the work. I am already shaping the world around me. But the coolest part is, I am shaping it not only as a "leader/teacher/choreographer/director" but as a supporter!

I am finding wonderful reward in supporting those around me who are doing amazing and wonderful things. I see more clearly than ever that this is a world of abundance and part of my role is to support those around me who are doing the work I believe in.  Being a busy leader is a lonely place, and I want balance and community.  No more competition "to the top" (whatever that is supposed to mean!)

There is no top! There are only those whom we encounter each and everyday.  And, giving more to them and supporting them is making my green lawn a wonderful place for everyone to play!

How do you support people you believe in?  Are you a "leader"? And, what does that mean to you? Are you a supporter?  Which gives you more satisfaction?

Boom! . . . Flat on my back. . .

Well, in my last blog, I was my own personal champion for diving into the creative experience. And, I took the leap. . . and ended flat on my back. Literally.

Just as I was getting excited, ready to do the work!

I spent 3 days in bed with a horrible SI (Low back) injury, that kept me completely immobilized and out of work. Three whole days! I have never (ever in my 10 years of teaching) had to take 3 consecutive days off of work because of illness or injury.  It was a first, and it was hard for me to swallow.

The first day, I was ok. I thought to myself "This is what it feels like to take care of myself. I can totally do this."  The second day I said, "Well one more day won't be too bad, different classes will be missed. And, I just have to." Day three:  "What is wrong with me? Three days?  Oh no! What is everyone going to think?"

In many ways that sense of guilt hurt far more than the level 10 pain in my back.   I worried that people were going to think all sorts of ugly negative things about me.  I tortured myself about it for the entire time I was laying on my back, too injured to even hold up a book.  I was certain that people were going to think that I wasn't trying hard enough to heal.  That I wasn't being responsible and "pushing through" as truly motivated and reliable people do. 

But, this was of course all in my head. The reality was I couldn't stand up or sit without intense pain.  The reality was that no matter what anyone was thinking, I was physically unable to teach for three days.  But, I couldn't let go of it.  I was convinced of my doom and gloom as a professional dance instructor. 

But, by the end of that third day of rest, I was finally able to stand without muscle spasm.  On day four I gingerly went to teach, and everyone smiled, glad to see me, asked how I was feeling, expressed just how worried they were for me. One student even gave me a little Mexican incantation to help me heal.  People weren't upset with me for being injured, they were compassionate. Far more compassionate than I was to myself. 

A week later from the initial grab of injury. I am still healing, my pain has moved from a level 10 at the peaks to more of a constant 4.  It still requires me to lay down and rest my back for long periods of the day, allowing the muscles to undo and the joint to heal.  But now, I don't feel guilty taking that time to rest and heal.  I am comforted by the reminder that people have shown me compassion and support. It is my job to honor them by showing the same gentle nurturing to myself.  It doesn't have to be selfish; it doesn't have to be hurried.  As Soto Zen Buddhist Susuki Roshi said, it is just "Things as it is." 

And, I am worthy of healing just as I am. 

So are you. 


(PS The incorrect subject verb agreement in Susuki Roshi's quote is intentional. As a Budhhist he saw the multiplicity of the world as just aspects of everything as one. No duality. Hence we see plural, but the nature is singular. . . Pretty cool stuff).

Giving Yourself Permission

Yes, my title says "dance instructor" but studying the arts is so much more than than.  For me the dance classroom is a place students can discover life. 

I've been on a bit of a tear recently: seeing the varied injustices in the dance world, the bad habits, the unhealthy behaviors and negative self images. But, rather than get angry, I have decided to combat it one class at a time.  I can't let it get me down, because these struggles are at the heart life learning.  The arts really are our forum for self discovery. 

How we are (exist, behave, think, work, play)  in the dance classroom is reflective of how we are in the rest of our lives. If you are hard on yourself in dance class, you are likely hard on yourself in all other aspects of your "life performance."  If you use dance as an "escape," what are you trying to escape?  If you stop yourself from trying for fear of failure, how does that exist in your home life, school life, relationships? 

I had a student if my office who was suffering from lack of confidence and had started berating himself continually in class.  He identified frustration with executing a tricky turn (appropriately called a lame duck-- oh the irony). 

And I asked him the following series of questions:

What if you gave yourself permission to struggle with that turn? 
What would that feel like? 
What would that look like?  
What is the worst that would happen?

How can you give yourself permission to go at your own pace, to honor your personal growth and your personal needs?

Big questions, and of course much deeper than actually performing this stinky little turn!  Dance is not about the turn, dance is about your approach to life.  Can we choose to cultivate healthy behaviors and thoughts in the dance class. Can we give ourselves compassion rather than self inflicted pain?  Can we let go of the outcome and enjoy the process?

Of course, it will take practice. And, it should. We need to practice healthier thoughts, healthier views on learning.  Can we confront challenges with self compassion?  A generous spirit and love?

So, that is my motto for the weekend. As I prepare to enter the world that is the Rogue Festival in Fresno, I ask myself how can I let others know that they have permission? Permission to make healthy choices that will foster their growth and allows them to blossom. 

Of course, the answer is simple I have to start with giving myself permission.  So I declare today, that I give myself permission to let go of control.  I grant myself freedom from expectations. I give myself permission to simply go along with the ride, to speak and dance only from the heart and to see what happens. 

I see you.

I made an unexpected and somewhat impulsive decision today. 

I decided on a whim to call my students.  Specifically those students in my online Dance Appreciation class who have not signed into the course for over 1 or 2 weeks. 

There were 7 students total (out of 47).  Not a terrible number. 

1 had a disconnected/wrong number
1 rang but didn't go to voicemail
2 received friendly messages from me
and 3 picked up.

I don't know what I expected, but it seems that those 3 people with whom I connected were totally shocked that I cared enough to call.  I realize now that they expected to be invisible. That they expected to be insignificant to me. One even said she was flattered that I took the time to call which she agreed was totally unconventional. 

Each expressed gratitude. Each asked if they could still finish the class.  Each needed the encouragement. And, each needed to be seen.

Well, I see you.

I see you.  I care.  And, I want you to be successful. 

I see you, and you are not insignificant. You are not invisible.  You matter.  Your presence is noticed, and it matters. 

I realize now just how important it is to let the people in our lives know this.  To remind them that their presence is important.  To see them. And, let them know you are there for them. 

I am glad I took the unconventional route. People so often don't need a stick but a carrot to motivate them. 

And, I prefer carrots too.

A Shameless Rant on Students "Getting it." . .

Two weeks from the end of the semester and I wonder if my students "get it."   I am not talking about SLO's (Student Learning Outcomes) or assessment techniques.  I am talking about the learning process, the spark that fuels learning that goes beyond the curriculum. 

Teaching dance might be an exception. But I have determined that students today are terrible at taking notes.  I give short lectures on anatomy, dance theory and dance history in my classes and they look at me with fascination, nodding in agreement, frowning in concern or questioning.  But, not a note written.

Don't they want to remember? 

I admit I was a pretty damn good student in my day.  I was that (annoying) person in class who always took great notes, studied and completed homework on the same day it was assigned and generally got straight A's.  (Ok, I got one B+ in my life. Black Studies. And, I really tried hard, but to no avail.) So, bottom line, I didn't understand my fellow (slacker) students then, and I don't understand them now. 

Do they really expect to remember everything that is said in a lecture? Even a short 20 minute lecture?  Don't they want to get it? Or am I just that much of an overachiever?

If I could teach them one thing, I wish I could teach them that success is fun!  Achievement is rewarding!  It is worth the effort and the time.  There is greatness to be had, but you have to work for it.  Taking notes isn't just about having something to refer to, it is about staying active while listening, connecting your learning to a physical act of processing.  Taking notes help you record and remember.  Duh!

But, alas.  They look at me with their sweet smiles and momentary interest, and I fear that I have failed them, because they still will only do what I tell them to do because I tell them to do it.  They haven't learned that they drive their learning, They drive their lives. 

My dad has a great shirt:  "If I am talking, you should be taking notes." 

Collect ideas, reflect, process and grow. 

This stuff is important people!  Get out your pen and paper. . .

Checking one more thing off the list. . . Check!

I realized today that even if I go my full day and complete everything on my calendar, it is not enough.  It is that damn "to-do list" that gets me every time.  I think I am doing well and that I have everything covered, when BAM! I am hit with a reminder of some deadline that has past, some work that should have been completed, a letter of recommendation that needed to be written, a festival application that should have been turned in, a staff parking pass that should have been acquired, or placard of my office hours that should have been posted on my office door.  (Yes, it is already week three and I have yet to update them from last semester! I know! Don't judge!)

So, I need to learn this lesson.  Check one more thing off the list.  Just one.  Before I go to bed.  I need to make a habit of completing one more thing than I am used to in a day.  Getting through my day is simply not enough to keep me sane in the long run. 

For instance I have crazy Mondays this semester.  I start teaching at 8:00am.  Today I taught a total of 6hrs of dance technique before running another 5 1/2 hour rehearsal for the Musical.  (I'm actually really impressed that I made it through). So, I left the house at 7:30am and got home at 10:45pm.  A long day by any standards.

And, perhaps enough for any individual.  But. . .

Thinking this way lands me regularly in a hole of being frustrated and overwhelmed.  I feel perpetually behind as a result because I am barely staying afloat. Luckily I tend to rally and get thing done on time, but I don't want to live this way.  Always, perched precariously on the edge of disaster (which we all know would result when you don't post your office hours is time). 

In all seriousness, I am going to experiment this week, with doing one more thing (small thing) so I can feel more on top of my game and less like a puppet grasping at strings I can't control.  Tonight I checked my email.  I didn't have time to finish that task earlier in the day, and it is something I dislike doing to the extent that I will easily let it go 2 or 3 days if I am not careful.  (Free Advice: Leaving your email for 3 days is highly unrecommended as a teacher); and I think it brings me more anxiety and uneasiness that checking the darn thing.  So today, I checked it.  It wasn't that bad (and I had the energy buzzing from rehearsal to do it). 

Tomorrow I don't know what to-do item will be checked off, but there are plenty of them.  And, I figure in 7 days I will have checked off 7 of them.  That's a pretty darn good for me.  I'll take it.

The Clicking in My Throat

I have gone through different phases of my life in which I "believe" in the chakras of the body.  While going to massage school and receiving Reiki transmission, I really owned the idea of the energetic centers of the body.  Since then, they have moved in and out prominence in my mind.

But, recently I have had a sequence of experiences and observations that have put them back at the forefront of my radar.  This time focus is on the 5th Chakra or throat Chakra. The center for the voice, communication, expression and in some ways creativity. 

Here's the History:
I developed a clicking in my throat (when swallowing) about 4 years ago. I had been ill with a cough and cold, and I developed a clicking near the hyoid bone (the floating bone in the throat).  I supposed it would go away when the swelling of the tissues went down. But, much to my dismay, it never did. 

It isn't a painful clicking. Just annoying. 

One of the benefits of meditation for me is the relaxation in the throat and jaw often results in a "lack of click" when I swallow.  Upon postural analysis, I discovered part of the click is due to my forward head posture, which is also only about 4 years old. So, when I practice seated meditation in alignment, with my skull balanced and the throat relaxed, the clicking lessens or disappears (for a while at least). 

The Dream:
All this is background for a dream I had last night.  I was teaching a large dance class, and I couldn't be heard over the chatter of the students.  They weren't listening and were not going to stop talking just because I was about to start.  I screamed at them (totally unlike me in the real classroom) "Be Quiet!"  "Listen" and then "Shut up!"  They still talked I walked over to talking students and tapped them on the shoulder trying to get them to turn around and listen.  But, once I did others were talking, then others and others.  I couldn't be loud enough, I couldn't be heard. I was panicked and frustrated. Angry more than anything. 

But upon waking I realized, this all relates to the throat Chakra. The was the second dream with this theme in the past two weeks. Clearly, I feel the need to be heard, to speak my mind, to express myself.  The irony, is that I am dutifully and respectfully heard by most of my students.  I don't have these issues in waking life. So, what the heck was this all about?

Conclusion:
I have concluded that somehow, my move to the LA area (5 years ago) triggered a note of insecurity in me.  I knew this as it was happening, but just pushed through and did my best at the time.  But, the result has been an ever growing fear of "losing my voice."  LA is so big and there are so many people with so many ideas.  Mine seem so feeble in comparison.  It could be that I want to be heard, but I think more accurately that I want to trust that I have something worthy of being said.  That I have the strength and conviction to speak my mind and express myself with confidence. 

Choreographing Chicago (the spring musical) has put me face to face with my need express myself and not merely "do the job" as choreographer or as a person.  I want to be heard, but I first have to stop and listen to myself. 

The clicking in my throat is my reminder to trust the 5th Chakra.  To trust my voice and to speak from the seat of the soul. And perhaps, with time and practice it and the fear I think it represents will disappear also.

Recipe for a New Semester

Yes. The days are counting down and the start of the new semester lies just around the corner for many of us.

As a student it was always my favorite time.  I was excited to learn to new things. I had the books ready and had already glanced through them cover to cover to see what is in store for me.  I purchased new spiral bound notebooks and organized my classes according to color coded three ring binders with matching tabs.  I selected my favorite pens and then bought brand new ones just in case.   I prepped my backpack with back ups for all the important items (just in case):  Pencils, pencil sharpener, highlighters/ colored pencils, erasers, permanent markers, baby wipes, socks, extra tights or dance pants, underwear, bobby pins, 5 or 6 hair ties, lipgloss and mascara.  Then of course my entire dance bag full of shoes and more dance paraphernalia than you can imagine. 

Yes, the beginning of the semester was pure excitement for me.  Even better than Christmas in some ways, because the gift of the semester was going to last my entire lifetime. 

But, now as a professor. I find the start of semester a little less sparkly than before.  Now, I am faced with looming and overwhelming questions:  How can I make it better?  How can I clean up my grading system? How can I be better organized?  How can I keep better attendance?  How can I get through with the fewest headaches possible? 

Yes, starting the semester as an instructor takes on a different flavor, and it wasn't until tonight (while lying in my savasana in yoga class) that I realized I need to change my perspective and think more like I did as student. I need to get excited and recharged. 

So I have developed this Recipe for a New Semester:

1.  Get a New Purse:  nothing is more refreshing than organizing a new purse.  Clean out the old receipts lingering in the corners of forgotten pockets, manage the number of pens that have either accumulated or disappeared over the last year, and throw away the smashed lozenges and Hershey's kisses that have ground themselves into unrecognizable state. 

2.  Get your Syllabi Done: at least 3 days before the start of classes.  Write them, and send them off to be printed. If you are like I am, then they will never be perfect so don't sweat it.

3.  Buy a new iPad (or other gadget): Ok. So this is a luxury, but still, having a a new "toy" to play with makes it more fun to input your attendance rosters or configure your email groups.  Plus, it can make you look and feel hip. That's what I'm talking about! I plan on trying an attendance app for my rosters, and I plan to try garageband for some of my dance class accompaniment.  It is something for me to learn and play with.  PS If you hate gadgets or technology in general, ignore this ingredient for the recipe.

4.  Input your Calendar: for the semester and block out times for things you want to do.  I really wanted to find time to go to the gym, yoga and my meditation center each 2x/week.  I have input it into my calendar and blocked it off.  I am making myself unavailable so when I get asked to do something additional I can more easily say "no" if needed. 

5.  Test your pens: Satisfaction by definition. Throw away the ones you hate and keep the ones you love. 

6.  Plan two of your favorite classes:  create the lesson plan you want to have, not the one you feel you should have, but the one you wish you had gotten as a student or perhaps could really use for yourself now.  Let them be unencumbered and passionate. 

7.  Steel Yourself:  if you are like me, perhaps you are too compassionate?  Or perhaps you are too rigid?  too monotonous? too spontaneous?  too frustrated? too frustrating?  Yes, we are teachers, but we are still human beings.  I have to remember to set the tone for the semester in the first few weeks.  For me, I need to draw the line and stick to it.  Being too accommodating just makes the students more lax (and makes me crazy as a result).

8a.  Option 1:  Take a long bath with aromatherapy and a good short story (preferably from The Sun Magazine). 

8b. Option 2:  Make yourself a stiff drink.  Hot Toddy's are especially effective in cold weather.

9.  Be Hopeful: it can only help make it easier.



Have a great semester everyone!

Thrown Off my Game

Yes, I have disappeared. Sorry about that. 

It all started with the dreaded ankle twist in a rehearsal two weeks ago for MeCo.  Ugh. I didn't think it was that bad, until then I realized that an ankle sprain can always turn chronic if you aren't careful.  I did what I thought was the prudent thing and took a couple days off from walking on it entirely.  It was a good thing. But, I realized that being sedentary for two whole days (except to use the bathroom) is absolutely awful for my brain chemistry.   I felt like I was living in a fog, complete apathy, horrible verbal skills, fatigue, the works.  So, I got myself to the gym the next day for a swim. Much better. Until. The sore throat struck. 

Not strep, just a cold. But, in a week where I was struggling already and was just bouncing back, this was not what I wanted to face.  I even cried. Over a sore throat.  It's true. Tears.

But, I pushed through. Got through the ACDF auditions, Chicago auditions and another MeCo rehearsal. The ankle is doing much better. I still have a few moments when it catches, but for the most part, I can walk and move around. The cold has turned into a terribly annoying cough, and I find myself very tired and still very messy in the mucous department.  The end of the semester is a tease, because it is both lighter in terms of time commitments yet more stressful with student crisis right and left.  There is still work to the be done and lots of it.  But, I am caught without a lot of motivation.

I can't tell if I am just sick and fatigued from pushing over the last couple weeks, or if I am just lazy.  I feel the guilt of being lazy, but that is not enough of a motivating factor to illicit change.  All I really want to do is to do nothing.  But, that isn't entirely true either.  I want to be well.  I am tired of being injured then sick.  These two weeks have been tough on me, and it has really thrown me off my game.

I have continued to tweet, but I haven't blogged because. . . I don't know. "I hate complaining. I don't have the energy. I don't really like myself being injured and ill. I don't feel inspired. I want to just go to sleep (again).  I don't even want to drink coffee for a little pep (bad sign)."  I don't think I am depressed. I don't really know what to think. 

But here is a list of what I do want and want to feel:
I want to feel well.
I want to feel energized.
I want to feel rested.
I want to feel accomplished (with getting my grading done).
I want to feel well. (Did I say that already? Well, I really mean it).
I want to go through a day without coughing.

I know this illness and downturn could be a result of my chronic over commitment.  But, it's not that I want to do less. It is that I want to feel well enough to do more.  So, when I feel bad I want to do nothing at all. 

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.  Thanks for hearing me out.
Beth

PS Expect some book reviews coming up. These past two weeks have been good for reading.

All Riled Up and Ready for the Big Push

If I were pregnant, the title might mean something entirely different, but thankfully I am not pregnant and I am referring to the big push that happens twice every year. It is called "finals" time.

The "finals" themselves are not the problem, the problem is all the loose ends that have as of yet gone untied or un-severed and must be either tied or severed by the end of the next three weeks.  And, the process of tying and severing as it goes (even when it goes "well") just plain sucks. It the worst part of teaching as many teachers know and agree.

What happens is: all the students realize 3 weeks out that they are screwed, and they all want you to do something about it.  It is rough being the one to explain that they dropped the ball, that they did it to themselves and now they have to live with it. Not a fun conversation.

True, I am a softy. But, that is because I believe that I need a break every once in a while and therefore my students probably need a break too. I draw a hard line where it "matters."  but I am basic just too darn empathetic.  And, even if I don't give them leeway, I still find myself continually barraged with email or unsuspected visitors to my office hours who are desperate for an ear if nothing else.

I was a good student. Truth be told, I was an excellent student. I only ever got one B+.  Ever.  That is how determined to succeed I was. It has less to do with smarts and more to do with conviction. I wanted it, I wanted the information, I wanted to learn I wanted to grow and change and explore and write. So, the A was a natural result (most of the time).  So, when it comes time to give out my grades. It hurts me to give out B's in a tap I or a modern I class, but I have to get over that.  Not everyone tries as hard as I do, and frankly not every one gets the required results from their effort.  Not everyone is "natural" at math and not everyone is "natural" at dance.

What am I doing here?  You don't really care about this, or if you do (because you are a teacher) you already know exactly what I am talking about, and therefore I am preaching to the choir.  The reality is, that I am writing this for my own benefit. As I write this blog, I am trying to convince myself to let go.  To ride the last wave of the semester like a relaxed surfer instead of a nervous and rigid grandma.

I have a lot to do. And tonight, I calendared out the rest of the semester. Probably not the best thing to do right before trying to go to bed.  Now, I am all riled up.  Anxious to get the work done that has to get done whether there is time for it or not.

I tell myself: "Everything I do now, I don't have to do later." And, this motto helps.  But, at 11:30 pm when it is time to sleep, I shouldn't be considering going online to grade.  I just shouldn't. Those papers will have to wait another day.

But those days are running out.

Oh, the sound of the ocean.

Healthy Obligations

I have a feeling I might not get anything done if I weren't obliged to get it done.  For example, I am very lucky to be a part of the Language of Dance® family (LOD®). This group of amazing dance instructors and pedagogs have included me in their adventures toward changing the face of dance literacy.

I sat on their panel at NDEO (National Dance educator Organization) and presented my findings, focusing on using dance theory and notation in an online dance appreciation course, with humility as I was surrounded by these women of profound knowledge, passion and dedication to dance and dance research. I am honored they consider me a colleague. But, this honor is the best motivator for work.  In being included on this panel, I have become obligated to them.  I feel a duty to them because they believe in me. They push me to make steps in my thinking and research that I otherwise would not take. 

I am very fortunate to have tenure at my job, and, because I am not at a research institution, I don't have to publish or present at conferences in order to keep my job.  But, these women motivate me to keep going. I want to make advances in dance research and dance literacy, and the best part is that I am not obligated by survival but by an inner sense of duty and obligation. Clearly there is no money to be had from these hours of pouring over a computer. But, there is honor.

I enjoy being obligated to them, because they challenge me to be the best I can be.  In the past two days I wrote up my portion of the panel presentation and it turned out to be 8 pages single spaced (about 3,000 words) plus graphics.  I would never have done that if I weren't obliged to do it.  Trust, me, my crochet project, tv and latest book are all calling my name right now!  But, I am glad I put in the work, ook the time, thought through the ideas, made something out of nothing. 

It feels good.

I am similarly obligated to my dance company (MeCo), (again NOT for the money-- no money there either-- do we see a trend developing?!?).  I am obligated by my fantastic dancers, their dedication tot he projects and their unending trust in me. I won't let them down because I am honored to work with them each week.  In a similar way I am obligated to my students (but that gets messy because that is my job-- but still, I am obligated and committed to it heart and soul so it too pushes me to be better).

People talk about "self-motivation," but I am not quite sure there is any situation that solely allows for self-motivation.  I think it is healthy to be obligated to others.  If I waited to do things out of self motivation, I would get half as much done.  It is easy to waste away the days. 

So, thank you to everyone to whom I have been obligated at one point or another.  You have pushed me to become a better person, to do more than I thought I was capable of and grow in ways I never expected. 

Still, obligations (good or bad) can make you sleepy, which I am right now. So, it is time for me to say goodnight!

Tech Week Tantrum

Part of my job at Moorpark College is directing the fall dance concert.  As with most projects, I love-love-love the creative process. The brainstorming of ideas and excitement of new creative possibilities.  I love the promise of potential that fills the air at the inception of a project or concert.  I dream big.  I like to revolutionize myself and the process each chance I get.  I can't help but want to push the envelope, push my limits and try something I have never done before.

But, this stage of the concert process is long gone.  And, when I reach this point of no return (7 days before the concert) I can't help but think.  "What was I thinking?"

This concert I have choreographed a fun and ridiculously fast tap dance, a physically demanding and powerful modern dance trio and a crazy, large ensemble piece (complete with strange walks, trench coats, boots and screaming). 

Did I mention I dream big?

The thing that I am learning is that my creativity is in some ways its own vice.  I can't help but get excited about new ideas, creative trains of thought, and potential "awesomeness" in general.  I love to generate ideas, ways of working, aesthetic systems, choreographic projects. 

But then it comes time to do it and actually make it happen.  And, I find myself here in "Tech Week"!

For those of you outside of the performing arts, Tech Week is the time the production uses to move into the theater, set lights, practice with costumes and generally go mad from fatigue at that same time.  

Admittedly I write in anticipation.  Tech week technically starts tomorrow.  But, as always, it promises long hours in a dark theater, after which your butt is numb, and you can't quite remember what day it is, if you need to eat, nor if you went to bathroom in the last 5 hours.  It is not all that terrible. It can actually be fun. But it is (or at least has been) always exhausting.  Imagine functioning on adrenaline and caffeine for 12 hours straight but not being able to go any where or see the light of day for three days straight. 

And, who am I to complain? The technicians do this all day long each and everyday, project and project, production after production.  But, I am to a point in my life where I have become more protective of my energy and health.  I am less willing to burn myself out the way I used to.  I guess I have learned that the production "hang over" just isn't worth it.

Life goes on after a dance concert just as it did before.  Yet, the show will not make itself.  It takes time and energy, focus and patience.  It takes hope, creativity, and diligence.  Perseverance perhaps most of all. 

I want to find a way that I can enjoy Tech.  Am I crazy to think it might actually be possible to put on a dance concert and not lose my mind or sacrifice my physical health?  I have reached a point where I no longer want to push through. I don't want to just "make it happen."  I don't want to live my life wishing these next two weeks were already over, when this is what I love to do.

I want to love it while I am in it.  Not just before and after. 

It is time for me to make some changes in how I work.  I want to teach the dancers that it feels good to work, create and perform (and it feels best when you don't kill yourself in the process).  The reward needs to be in the process.  My students run themselves so ragged that I am afraid they miss the entire experience.  Sure they always "get through."  But they are sleep walking through it all. 

I know because I was too. 

It is time to wake up.

Stress or Depression or Both

I am feeling (to say the least) overwhelmed. Since returning from the National Dance Educator's Organization Conference last week, I feel like I can't catch up.  This is the time in the semester when all the "good" ideas are coming to a head, and it is time to pay up. 

But even that isn't entirely true. I don't have THAT much to do. I certainly could achieve most of what I have to get done, but the truth is I am feeling spent.  I was so careful during the first part of the semester to take care of my time and energy, but this still happened.  I still ran out of gas.

I am griping. I guess I am in the mood to gripe.  I am bitter because I have so many ideas going around in my head. Creative ideas that are full of potential. Dance ideas. Teaching ideas. Writing ideas. But I don't want to do the work. I don't want to take the time and energy to actually put my pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.  Even this is feeling awkward. Mostly because I feel like I have some very cool experiences from the NDEO conference which are great blog material, but instead I am caught in this cloudy mess of fatigue, apathy and dejection. 

The stress (which apparently snuck up on me without me knowing it) is taking its toll.  I am feeling depressed.  And, that is the crux of all of this.  I have great things to do, great insights to share, ideas to follow, but I am anchored to the typical symptoms: fatigue, sorrow, obsessive thoughts, anxiety dreams, the desire to just sit for hours on end, preferably with a stream of movies going on end to end to end. 

In the scheme of things, the symptoms are not terrible and will hopefully go away soon. But it is a reminder that even when things are good, stress takes it toll, and for me stress results in depression.  I think it is a chemical thing because there is really nothing wrong. I just feel bad.  Sub-par. 

Good times and a stable life, and I can still get caught in the cloud.  It happens less and less.  But it is a reality for me. Chronic depression doesn't just disappear when things are good and you have a good week, or two or three.  It is a constant practice. 

Side Note:  It doesn't help that my office printer is broken.  It is throwing of my groove and making everything harder.

Perhaps tomorrow the cloud will lift like coastal fog that finally burns off after you have given up on a sunny day.  But at this point I am still hoping for sunny skies.

Being put to use

I have had the joy of feeling very helpful for the past few days. And, let me tell you. It is great!

It started when my sister who is directing a show with tap in it called to see if I knew what "double up" meant (I think they meant double time). She was blocking a scene in which the tap dancing character is demonstrating toe taps while calling out "double up and switch sides."  I told her to see if it worked and if not just change the step (or she suggested the dialogue) to make it match. The audience won't know.

Then my dear (and ever inspiring) choral conducting friend Vail calls me up to see if I can decipher a dance step from a video of gumboot dancers which she is having her students perform in the next concert while singing a South African song.  It took me all of ten seconds to watch the video and figure out the stepping and slapping pattern. Success! I broke it down for you her, and within 3 minutes my job was done.  I am on fire!

But, the greatest experience of feeling helpful was last night as a guest speaker in my friend Joelle's English composition class.  She had invited me to speak on dance and my creative process. Her students are preparing for a field research paper including a personal interview and my visit was to demonstrate how to interview someone (in a group setting) as well as shed some light on how making dances and writing share a similar creative process.  First let me tell you: I had a straight up great time. Perhaps a better time that some of the students.  I felt like I was able to really share.  No restraints or inhibitions. Because I wasn't their primary teacher I could speak openly and freely without worrying about whether they liked me or not (Yes, it does matter to me whether my students like me or at the minimum respect and trust me). I would never see most of these students again. It was time to let her rip!

As I was talking about dance, my company, depression, dance notation, time management, hitting a slump, working through challenge, taking time to reflect and observe and other bits and pieces of my dance and personal life, I realized that I actually knew a lot. I was impressing myself in the process.  The thing is, after pushing against the constant struggle of the daily grind, feeling always overwhelmed and underwater, I still feel like I need to learn more. I still feel like I am somehow behind or uninformed in my field.  So, this was a great relief to feel like I possessed useful information that was both exciting and interesting for this class of English students.  I felt like an expert. Strange but intoxicating.

I was putting my years of dance education and experience to use in a single situation all at once.  I answered questions without missing a beat, jotted down Language of Dance© symbols on the board without hesitation, performed mini improvisations from a spontaneous score and made the students laugh and be playful in their inquiry and learning.

I liked seeing them lean forward in their seats. Their eyes focused and alive.  I admitted that making dances (like writing) is tough at times, but worth the challenge because of the long term pay off.  Something we do "only for fun" or only "when we feel like it" usually yields flimsy results that are as fickle as our approach.  But, when we return to something again and again, we can experience moments when it becomes so powerful and real that we know we have created something valuable and precious. 

I wish I could recall everything I said to this class. It was like all my wisdom poured out of me at once.  It all seemed so perfect, true, exciting and urgent. But, my memory fails me as I try to recapture it all now.  It was a stream of consciousness experience never to be exactly recreated.

-sigh-


I do remember this one point with great accuracy: They as artists need to trust themselves because what we feel as normal human beings in our humdrum lives and/or creative endeavors is truly unique and can be fascinating to others. I reminded them that only we live in our own skin and our own lives.  We must share what we know and what we experience, because it opens a window for others to peek inside to our inner workings, and it invites them to reflect on their own. Complex, intricate, spastic, fragile.

I hope that this blog serves you in this way.  The window into who and how I am is open.  I won't always be fascinating, but I promise to always be true.  And, when I can, inspiring. . . or at least funny (every once in a while). 

Some very cool gumboot dancing
(no this is NOT the one I figured out. If it were I should get a prize. But it is still way cool and worth watching):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSgFAG0mtac

an anticipatory stress story

Summer: the time when the heat and sun allow you to melt all stress away. For the teacher and student summer is the time when you recharge the battery, get to the list of home and garden improvements, and watch all of last year's box office hits on DVD.

I gave myself permission to really relax over this past week. Prior to that I of course was a busy bee with performances and all that it entails. So, I allowed myself sometime to NOT be productive. Instead I attended Yoga classes, slept anytime I felt like it, stayed up late, watched movies, gardened, read and found a new Zen meditation center. Life was looking good. Even my chronic jaw pain had nearly disappeared. For two whole days I didn't check my email. In fact, I didn't go online at all. I was free.

Then guilt set in and I knew my inbox was gathering messages. So, I decided to check my personal email, which inevitably lead me to work related issues and then a waterfall of nerves and anxiety pummeled me. In denial I said I would get to bed and deal with it tomorrow after I lead the meditation. My body and mind had other plans.

I was up at 5:00am (after going to bed at 1:00am) this time with the relentless knocking of pressure keeping me awake. This pressure, even during my vacation, felt very very real. It seeped through me and I came to understand that this feeling is the feeling I associate with the rest of my school year, over 3/4 of my annual life. I felt immediately like I was underwater. That my to-do list was as long as it ever was before and there was no way I could get to everything. I tried to go back to sleep, but decided getting up was far less painful than actually getting up and onto the computer.

I did some of the work, and of course it begot more work and reminded me of more things I needed to get to before the summer was over and "the real school year began." Before I knew it I was tearing myself away from the computer screen in order to make it to my own meditation session at the Yoga Nook.

I was in a crummy mood. My spirit felt crunchy and my skin felt heavy as I drove to the studio. I felt myself dropping into the familiar place I know as depression and as usual once there I didn't know or want to get out. My intellectual self told me I should "Let it go!" But, my body and spirit do not know how to listen to my intellect. That is the addiction element to depression. Like a drug, once you are high, you never think to come down even if you know it is unhealthy. It is an illogical drive, it taps into some deep part of the brain and takes hold. And, here I was being held by this invisible set of hands.

By some miracle, I had the room to myself for the meditation-- I felt relief that I didn't have to lead anyone toward peace and calm in my current state. I sat down. Lit the candle, rang the bell. Eyelids fell to nearly closed. I surrendered.

Within moments I felt relief. I felt the urge to apologize to myself for giving into the stress, I said it again and again to myself "I am sorry. I am sorry." Then I felt "It's ok." Never before, had I found meditation to transform me like that, to make me feel safe and loved for who I am as I am. For the rest of the 45 minute period I watched my thoughts dance around from topic to topic, free from the grasp of stress or depression. I don't mind that thoughts bounce around during my meditation, because they move like butterflies beautiful and light, never staying so long I wish they would go. I don't expect all of my meditations to be as this one was. But, I am grateful for this experience.

Now, I am only half shadowed by the darkness that woke me up this morning, proving that a great moment is only that, a moment. But, I now have new cause to look at how I work and how I relate to work. There is something to be discovered there.