I have a great, light blue, summer sweater. It is fabulous. I bought it about a year ago at Anthropology. It was expensive, as all things at Anthropology are, but so worth it!
I wore it for the first time today.
You heard me. . . FIRST TIME! TODAY!!!
I owned this fabulous and flirty sweater for a year, and I never wore it!
Many of you reading this are now completely confused and understandably so. Why would I buy this incredibly awesome (and pricey) sweater and not wear it for a year? Answer: Because I am crazy.
I was "saving it," for the "right occasion," a "special day." I didn't want to "ruin it!" After all it really was a luxury purchase. Right?
I need to do the exact math, but I figure I have about 70 days left in my year to live (See former posts below regarding my Year to Live practice). And, frankly, this sweater needed to be worn before the timer ran out. So, I wore it today, complete with a necklace and earrings. Oh yes, and I went out!
. . . to Trader Joes.
. . . then to a friend's house.
. . . then I took a nap (in said sweater).
But, of course there are other items in my closet with the tag still on. Multiple items. And, what am I waiting for?
I was waiting, expecting, hoping, believing that there was something else out there. Something better. Some better day to wear my precious and beloved sweater. I reverse engineered my reasoning and figured out that not wearing the sweater was devaluing my current life (to the day). I figured out that not wearing the sweater was a metaphor for my relationship to lots of things in my life. Not taking advantage of the present gifts I already possess.
When you are afraid that you won't have enough, you grasp on to what you have, protect it, save it, hide it. Was I really worried another blue sweater was never going to come along in my lifetime? Yes! Somewhere deep down inside of my cells that is exactly the reasoning behind my strange behavior. But, rationally I knew another blue sweater would come along (have you seen the pace of fashion changes these days?). The real issue wasn't that I wouldn't find another blue sweater, the root on not wearing the sweater resides in a deep seated fear that my life as it was wasn't worthy of such a nice thing. Therefore I had to save it.
I don't have time to live my life that way (Hello! 70 days!). None of us have time to live that way. And, I am not talking about spending your life savings on a whim. But, rather, looking at what your actions and patterns say about your value set. Mine included an insidious belief that there was something more, that there was something on the other side of today that was going to be better and therefore blue sweater worthy!
But, what would that day look like?
I'll tell ya, what that day looks like. It looks like a TJ's run and a visit with friends.
That's all. There is no more.
So, put on the sweater. Wear it out. Wear it to spill coffee or dribble toothpaste on it! Wear it with love and reckless abandon.
More on Beth's Crazy Year to Live Adventures (in reverse chronological order)
94 Days to Live
Diving Into the Experience
Boom!. . . Flat on My Back
Last Birthday in my Year to Live
Denying the Life that Is
Stones for Change
A Year to Live: 323 Days Left!