Today is the first day of summer break. And, the first day of my year-long sabbatical. Let's Party!
Or not. . .
Today already I feel the pressure. How?!?
It's my first day off but I quickly realized how strongly I suffer from the burden of expectations. Of course I am excited about my sabbatical-- it promises a time filled with reflection, rejuvenation, possibility, and learning. And, I know what is expected of me from others. I have a well defined project dealing with dance notation that is exciting and achievable. (Expect more on this in the future)
But, what do I expect from myself during this time?
A lot.
. . and high expectations have been with me all of my life. Occasionally people mistake me for a perfectionist. I'm not. . . anyone who has seen my house or seen me in rehearsal knows that I enjoy improvisation more than controlled perfection. But, I do have high expectations for myself.
I have worked hard and achieved great things including a solid job (which has granted me a year long sabbatical), a national presence amongst dance educators and a rewarding marriage and home life. But, these self induced expectations follow me. Today was my first official day of summer and my mind was reeling with the question "What should I do?" "What do I need to do?" and then I rested on "What do I want to do?"
This next year (essentially 16 months including both summers) will bring things I can't imagine. And, while I have some structure in place (with my notation project), I am not exactly sure what this year will bring.
Of course, the lesson is that we can never know. We encounter life moment by moment and expectations often get us in trouble because they so often closely align with assumptions. I don't want to live this next year according to my expectations. My expectations are a burden that I no longer want to carry. Instead I am ready to look toward intention. Yeah, it's a somewhat corny (and über-trendy) way of talking about life. But, living according to an intention is the only way to live without becoming attached to an outcome. When we live by expectation we are bound to either exceed, meet or fall short of them. But, when we live by intention we are bound to discover the unknown as it unfolds in front of us and better enjoy ourselves along the way.
This year will bring the unexpected. But, I intent to take advantage of all that comes my way.
How do you intend to spend your summer? Your year? Your life?
Showing posts with label year to live. Show all posts
Showing posts with label year to live. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
My Life is Over.
I am now dead.
At least according to my Year to Live practice. I started this reflective and meditative practice a year ago with my spirituality group. I am the youngest of the group, and there was a moment in which I wondered: Am I doing this prematurely? But, that was just fear rearing its ugly head. I quickly began to feel deep down in my core what I always knew in my head: There is no guarantee on time. And, all we have is today. Right here, right now. To underscore the end of my Year to Live practice, I just learned of a 23 year old friend who passed away last week. This seems to offer me my final lesson, this is my final wake up call to pay attention to my life with unwavering conviction.
The Year to Live practice is based on Steven Levine's book with the same title. We started with a contemplation of our life's value, moved into a study of death and the death experience, and finally ended with the practice of letting go and transitioning. As choreographer Doris Humphrey put it: Movement is the "arc between two deaths." And, this year of practice has now come to its end, to its own death although we are still alive. Our group will be hosting a FUN-eral in a few weeks to celebrate our lives. But, the lessons we learned along the way we will carry with us.
How has it changed me? First, I wear my clothes. See my former blog on my strange need to "save" things for when they were deserved. It seems like a silly thing to note, but this practice of wearing and enjoying what I already have in my possession was a huge learning curve for me. It was a metaphor for giving myself permission to enjoy all aspects of my life TODAY!
Secondly, I learned what it really meant to put myself first. This came in the form of healing my back, or more accurately starting down the path to long term physical health and mental well being from which I am pleased to have already noticed meaningful results. The road out of physical pain was rocky and frustrating, but for the first time I am actually feeling optimistic about my back and my future in movement.
I could go on to list other things, but that will just sound and feel like bragging which is not the point at all! In fact, the real lesson wasn't in achievement. I was in the opposite of an achievement. It came in the acceptance of things as they are and in accepting myself as I am. There is still a boatload of work to be done in this area, but I see the value in the work. I see now how cultivating a stable sense of self worth changes how I experience everything in life.
Self love always seems like a farce to me. I didn't think it really existed. Or rather that I shouldn't buy into it because i either didn't deserve it or that it would lead to failure. I thought it was best to go through life by self deprecating oneself and motivating oneself with shame, hatred and fear. I mean it worked for a while! Ha! And, sometimes I still catch myself leading this life. But, after a Year to Live and all of the work I have done to more closely understand my significance, my inherent value and my legacy, I have become clearer in all of my daily interactions (both with others and myself).
What am I really here to do? How do I really want to be?
We finished the year by writing a personal mission statement. I extended that to include a personal set of values by which I want to live my life.
Mission Statement: I vow to support the personal and spiritual growth of all beings by being honest and authentic in all that I do as a leader, teacher, partner, dancer and artist. I promise to practice and teach a life of awareness and wisdom, through movement, expression, and human connection.
Values:
There is a sweetness in life and when you are ripping off the pages of YtoL calendar and getting closer to zero each and everyday, you can find the true sweetness real fast. There is no time for self delusion. Honesty is like a bullet train headed straight into the meaning of life.
For me, I realized with even greater certainty that dance is not the end goal. It is a mere a vehicle for me. It is a tool to use for greater self awareness and growth. There is a richness in movement that connects me into the present moment, the lasting questions and the ever present divine. My real goal in life is to share the process of discovery, self acceptance, personal growth and authenticity with others. Dance just helps me do that.
I would recommend that anyone willing to enter into a YtoL practice do so. But, I recommend you do it in a group with people who are going to hold you to it, because the cycle of frustration, uncertainty, hope, fear, anger and acceptance is a wild one and having a great sangha (community) by your side is essential.
There is work yet to be done. Maybe I will do this again in 10 years or 20 or 40. But, for now, I will take to heart the lessons I learned and do my best to stay true to my experience of life and love.
Want to read more of my Year to Live related blogs?
Follow through this sequence below.
At least according to my Year to Live practice. I started this reflective and meditative practice a year ago with my spirituality group. I am the youngest of the group, and there was a moment in which I wondered: Am I doing this prematurely? But, that was just fear rearing its ugly head. I quickly began to feel deep down in my core what I always knew in my head: There is no guarantee on time. And, all we have is today. Right here, right now. To underscore the end of my Year to Live practice, I just learned of a 23 year old friend who passed away last week. This seems to offer me my final lesson, this is my final wake up call to pay attention to my life with unwavering conviction.
The Year to Live practice is based on Steven Levine's book with the same title. We started with a contemplation of our life's value, moved into a study of death and the death experience, and finally ended with the practice of letting go and transitioning. As choreographer Doris Humphrey put it: Movement is the "arc between two deaths." And, this year of practice has now come to its end, to its own death although we are still alive. Our group will be hosting a FUN-eral in a few weeks to celebrate our lives. But, the lessons we learned along the way we will carry with us.
How has it changed me? First, I wear my clothes. See my former blog on my strange need to "save" things for when they were deserved. It seems like a silly thing to note, but this practice of wearing and enjoying what I already have in my possession was a huge learning curve for me. It was a metaphor for giving myself permission to enjoy all aspects of my life TODAY!
Secondly, I learned what it really meant to put myself first. This came in the form of healing my back, or more accurately starting down the path to long term physical health and mental well being from which I am pleased to have already noticed meaningful results. The road out of physical pain was rocky and frustrating, but for the first time I am actually feeling optimistic about my back and my future in movement.
I could go on to list other things, but that will just sound and feel like bragging which is not the point at all! In fact, the real lesson wasn't in achievement. I was in the opposite of an achievement. It came in the acceptance of things as they are and in accepting myself as I am. There is still a boatload of work to be done in this area, but I see the value in the work. I see now how cultivating a stable sense of self worth changes how I experience everything in life.
Self love always seems like a farce to me. I didn't think it really existed. Or rather that I shouldn't buy into it because i either didn't deserve it or that it would lead to failure. I thought it was best to go through life by self deprecating oneself and motivating oneself with shame, hatred and fear. I mean it worked for a while! Ha! And, sometimes I still catch myself leading this life. But, after a Year to Live and all of the work I have done to more closely understand my significance, my inherent value and my legacy, I have become clearer in all of my daily interactions (both with others and myself).
What am I really here to do? How do I really want to be?
We finished the year by writing a personal mission statement. I extended that to include a personal set of values by which I want to live my life.
Mission Statement: I vow to support the personal and spiritual growth of all beings by being honest and authentic in all that I do as a leader, teacher, partner, dancer and artist. I promise to practice and teach a life of awareness and wisdom, through movement, expression, and human connection.
Values:
- Respect
- Relationships
- Support and Service
- Artistic Process
- Play and Curiosity
- Non-Judgement
- Holistic Balance
There is a sweetness in life and when you are ripping off the pages of YtoL calendar and getting closer to zero each and everyday, you can find the true sweetness real fast. There is no time for self delusion. Honesty is like a bullet train headed straight into the meaning of life.
For me, I realized with even greater certainty that dance is not the end goal. It is a mere a vehicle for me. It is a tool to use for greater self awareness and growth. There is a richness in movement that connects me into the present moment, the lasting questions and the ever present divine. My real goal in life is to share the process of discovery, self acceptance, personal growth and authenticity with others. Dance just helps me do that.
I would recommend that anyone willing to enter into a YtoL practice do so. But, I recommend you do it in a group with people who are going to hold you to it, because the cycle of frustration, uncertainty, hope, fear, anger and acceptance is a wild one and having a great sangha (community) by your side is essential.
There is work yet to be done. Maybe I will do this again in 10 years or 20 or 40. But, for now, I will take to heart the lessons I learned and do my best to stay true to my experience of life and love.
Want to read more of my Year to Live related blogs?
Follow through this sequence below.
- A Year to Live - 323 Days Left
- A Year to Live: Stones for Change
- Denying the Life That Is - 287 Days Left
- Are You Vain?
- Last Birthday in My Year to Live
- Boom. . . Flat on my Back
- Finding Success
- 94 Days to Live!
- Save the Blue Sweater!
- Notes from Puebla
- What do the numbers 101, 35 and 10,339 have in common?
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
What do the numbers 101, 35 and 10,339 have in common?
Me!
And here's how:
101
You are currently reading my 101st blog post! Congratulations! Don't you feel special? Well, I do, because when I started this blog over 2 years ago, I really didn't know where it was going to take me. All I knew at the time was that I had something to say, about dance, about life about learning. And, I needed a forum that was not my classroom and was not my choreography. Thus was born the Musings by a Dancing Poetess. You can read my very first post here to see just how crazy I was back then.
Compelled (June 15, 2011)
10, 339
With my 101 posts I have gathered over 10,000 page views! I know this is small potatoes for many bloggers, but it is triumph for me. I am getting the word out about how dance can improve your quality of life, how growing an appreciation for dance improves your understanding of yourself, society and the world, and how meditation and awareness can be the link to all of the above. And, a hearty thank you to YOU the reader for helping me get here! I mean, I didn't click on my own link that many times. I mean, geez, I have to a make dances some time! (haha!).
35
I am well past the 50 day mark in my Year to Live. Only 35 days to go. 7 weeks. Not a lot of time, but certainly enough to make it count and soak in the richness that is this lifetime. I must say I highly recommend this meditative practice as created by Stephen Levine. I have made huge changes in a year because of the simple question. "What do I really want to do?" I am finding greater joy, asking deeper questions, noticing the passing nature of struggle and challenge and taking more time to support and love those I care about. Granted, I had my fair share of freak out moments. But, that come with the territory of writing your own personal eulogy (which is my next "assignment"). Yikes!
Of course, these are just numbers. They actually don't mean anything for the future. I could stop writing this blog tomorrow, or you could stop reading it. And, there is no way for me to know how much time I have left in this life. So, I look at these numbers not as trophies to hang on my wall of accomplishments, but as fuel to keep the engine running, to make the most of my experience and a lasting effect on the world and its inhabitants. I sometimes say that I am changing the world one dance at a time. I didn't join the peace corps. I didn't open a soup kitchen. But, I am here now reminding you to take life by the hand and leap into your greatest potential. It won't always be shining and perfect, but it will be authentic and real.
And, it will be beautiful.
Beth
Here are some oldies-but-goodies for your reading pleasure:
Thanks for READING!!
Artistry in the Jazz Dancer
I see you. . .
Are you vain?
New Reminders of Old Loves
Fascination with Madness
And here's how:
101
You are currently reading my 101st blog post! Congratulations! Don't you feel special? Well, I do, because when I started this blog over 2 years ago, I really didn't know where it was going to take me. All I knew at the time was that I had something to say, about dance, about life about learning. And, I needed a forum that was not my classroom and was not my choreography. Thus was born the Musings by a Dancing Poetess. You can read my very first post here to see just how crazy I was back then.
Compelled (June 15, 2011)
10, 339
With my 101 posts I have gathered over 10,000 page views! I know this is small potatoes for many bloggers, but it is triumph for me. I am getting the word out about how dance can improve your quality of life, how growing an appreciation for dance improves your understanding of yourself, society and the world, and how meditation and awareness can be the link to all of the above. And, a hearty thank you to YOU the reader for helping me get here! I mean, I didn't click on my own link that many times. I mean, geez, I have to a make dances some time! (haha!).
35
I am well past the 50 day mark in my Year to Live. Only 35 days to go. 7 weeks. Not a lot of time, but certainly enough to make it count and soak in the richness that is this lifetime. I must say I highly recommend this meditative practice as created by Stephen Levine. I have made huge changes in a year because of the simple question. "What do I really want to do?" I am finding greater joy, asking deeper questions, noticing the passing nature of struggle and challenge and taking more time to support and love those I care about. Granted, I had my fair share of freak out moments. But, that come with the territory of writing your own personal eulogy (which is my next "assignment"). Yikes!
Of course, these are just numbers. They actually don't mean anything for the future. I could stop writing this blog tomorrow, or you could stop reading it. And, there is no way for me to know how much time I have left in this life. So, I look at these numbers not as trophies to hang on my wall of accomplishments, but as fuel to keep the engine running, to make the most of my experience and a lasting effect on the world and its inhabitants. I sometimes say that I am changing the world one dance at a time. I didn't join the peace corps. I didn't open a soup kitchen. But, I am here now reminding you to take life by the hand and leap into your greatest potential. It won't always be shining and perfect, but it will be authentic and real.
And, it will be beautiful.
Beth
Here are some oldies-but-goodies for your reading pleasure:
Thanks for READING!!
Artistry in the Jazz Dancer
I see you. . .
Are you vain?
New Reminders of Old Loves
Fascination with Madness
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Save the Blue Sweater!
I have a great, light blue, summer sweater. It is fabulous. I bought it about a year ago at Anthropology. It was expensive, as all things at Anthropology are, but so worth it!
I wore it for the first time today.
Say what??
You heard me. . . FIRST TIME! TODAY!!!
I owned this fabulous and flirty sweater for a year, and I never wore it!
Many of you reading this are now completely confused and understandably so. Why would I buy this incredibly awesome (and pricey) sweater and not wear it for a year? Answer: Because I am crazy.
I was "saving it," for the "right occasion," a "special day." I didn't want to "ruin it!" After all it really was a luxury purchase. Right?
WRONG.
I need to do the exact math, but I figure I have about 70 days left in my year to live (See former posts below regarding my Year to Live practice). And, frankly, this sweater needed to be worn before the timer ran out. So, I wore it today, complete with a necklace and earrings. Oh yes, and I went out!
. . . to Trader Joes.
. . . then to a friend's house.
. . . then I took a nap (in said sweater).
But, of course there are other items in my closet with the tag still on. Multiple items. And, what am I waiting for?
I was waiting, expecting, hoping, believing that there was something else out there. Something better. Some better day to wear my precious and beloved sweater. I reverse engineered my reasoning and figured out that not wearing the sweater was devaluing my current life (to the day). I figured out that not wearing the sweater was a metaphor for my relationship to lots of things in my life. Not taking advantage of the present gifts I already possess.
When you are afraid that you won't have enough, you grasp on to what you have, protect it, save it, hide it. Was I really worried another blue sweater was never going to come along in my lifetime? Yes! Somewhere deep down inside of my cells that is exactly the reasoning behind my strange behavior. But, rationally I knew another blue sweater would come along (have you seen the pace of fashion changes these days?). The real issue wasn't that I wouldn't find another blue sweater, the root on not wearing the sweater resides in a deep seated fear that my life as it was wasn't worthy of such a nice thing. Therefore I had to save it.
I don't have time to live my life that way (Hello! 70 days!). None of us have time to live that way. And, I am not talking about spending your life savings on a whim. But, rather, looking at what your actions and patterns say about your value set. Mine included an insidious belief that there was something more, that there was something on the other side of today that was going to be better and therefore blue sweater worthy!
But, what would that day look like?
I'll tell ya, what that day looks like. It looks like a TJ's run and a visit with friends.
That's all. There is no more.
So, put on the sweater. Wear it out. Wear it to spill coffee or dribble toothpaste on it! Wear it with love and reckless abandon.
Today.
More on Beth's Crazy Year to Live Adventures (in reverse chronological order)
94 Days to Live
Finding Success
Diving Into the Experience
Boom!. . . Flat on My Back
Last Birthday in my Year to Live
Denying the Life that Is
Stones for Change
A Year to Live: 323 Days Left!
I wore it for the first time today.
Say what??
You heard me. . . FIRST TIME! TODAY!!!
I owned this fabulous and flirty sweater for a year, and I never wore it!
Many of you reading this are now completely confused and understandably so. Why would I buy this incredibly awesome (and pricey) sweater and not wear it for a year? Answer: Because I am crazy.
I was "saving it," for the "right occasion," a "special day." I didn't want to "ruin it!" After all it really was a luxury purchase. Right?
WRONG.
I need to do the exact math, but I figure I have about 70 days left in my year to live (See former posts below regarding my Year to Live practice). And, frankly, this sweater needed to be worn before the timer ran out. So, I wore it today, complete with a necklace and earrings. Oh yes, and I went out!
. . . to Trader Joes.
. . . then to a friend's house.
. . . then I took a nap (in said sweater).
But, of course there are other items in my closet with the tag still on. Multiple items. And, what am I waiting for?
I was waiting, expecting, hoping, believing that there was something else out there. Something better. Some better day to wear my precious and beloved sweater. I reverse engineered my reasoning and figured out that not wearing the sweater was devaluing my current life (to the day). I figured out that not wearing the sweater was a metaphor for my relationship to lots of things in my life. Not taking advantage of the present gifts I already possess.
When you are afraid that you won't have enough, you grasp on to what you have, protect it, save it, hide it. Was I really worried another blue sweater was never going to come along in my lifetime? Yes! Somewhere deep down inside of my cells that is exactly the reasoning behind my strange behavior. But, rationally I knew another blue sweater would come along (have you seen the pace of fashion changes these days?). The real issue wasn't that I wouldn't find another blue sweater, the root on not wearing the sweater resides in a deep seated fear that my life as it was wasn't worthy of such a nice thing. Therefore I had to save it.
I don't have time to live my life that way (Hello! 70 days!). None of us have time to live that way. And, I am not talking about spending your life savings on a whim. But, rather, looking at what your actions and patterns say about your value set. Mine included an insidious belief that there was something more, that there was something on the other side of today that was going to be better and therefore blue sweater worthy!
But, what would that day look like?
I'll tell ya, what that day looks like. It looks like a TJ's run and a visit with friends.
That's all. There is no more.
So, put on the sweater. Wear it out. Wear it to spill coffee or dribble toothpaste on it! Wear it with love and reckless abandon.
Today.
More on Beth's Crazy Year to Live Adventures (in reverse chronological order)
94 Days to Live
Finding Success
Diving Into the Experience
Boom!. . . Flat on My Back
Last Birthday in my Year to Live
Denying the Life that Is
Stones for Change
A Year to Live: 323 Days Left!
Saturday, June 8, 2013
94 Days to Live!
Less than 100! (HOLY *%$#!)
Yes, my year to live has taken me through fall, to winter, to spring and now summer. I only have a little over 3 months left. What is to be done about?
Hell, if I know.
The reality of having a year to live has come in and out of my awareness over the past 270 days. Some days I feel acutely aware of having limited time here on earth, other days, I rush through without a second glance, not even pausing to notice another 24 hours gone off the clock.
Admittedly, I have completely forgotten to rip of the days of my calendar for the past 25 days. And, Kapow! I crossed the 100 days mark, and hadn't even noticed. What was I doing during this time? I was working.
Working in a wonderful and very rewarding and satisfying way, but I was working so hard and so focused on my project (updating my Online Dance Appreciation course) that I barely checked email, ignored all social media and even this blog which actually had reader comments! (Thank you, by the way! I really do love the feedback and support).
So, 5 days passed. Silently and under the radar. Yes, I wrote a ton of HTML code and managed to create a whole new learning tool for my class. But, I had virtually severed by awareness to time. Computers are strange things, you really can lose your life to them. Dangerous. And wonderful. And dangerously wonderful.
94 days.
Imagine, what can a person do in 94 days? What do I want to do in 94 days? What is the most important thing I can do? For myself? For my family? For the world?
As I sit here asking myself this question, my mind runs blank. It could be fear. It could be fatigue (from looking a computer non stop for 5 days). . . It could be. . . ok fine. . . Let's face it. . . it's fear.
Fear of what? Fear that I can't do enough in 94 days. Fear that I don't want to do anything? Fear that my body still hurts? Fear that I won't have been good enough. Being a human is darn tough.
I don't know the answers.
But, let's start with something before I give up on this post.
Let's identify what I do know:
1. People matter. (Family, Friends, Strangers.)
2. Love matters. (Sending it into the world to cause ripples of kindness)
3. Art matters. (It's how we make sense of the world and our place in it)
4. Nature matters. (This world is precious, it must be loved too)
5. Forgiveness matters. (and, it matters toward yourself the most)
What would you do with 100 days to live? Think of it basically as the rest of summer.
You got summer babe, whatcha gonna do with it?!?
Beth
Oh, and if you teach dance, you should consider teaching our new and improved Online Dance Appreciation Course, because the 5 days I gave up in my year to live I gave up because DANCE MATTERS! And, dance literacy is what I have to give to the world.
Yes, my year to live has taken me through fall, to winter, to spring and now summer. I only have a little over 3 months left. What is to be done about?
Hell, if I know.
The reality of having a year to live has come in and out of my awareness over the past 270 days. Some days I feel acutely aware of having limited time here on earth, other days, I rush through without a second glance, not even pausing to notice another 24 hours gone off the clock.
Admittedly, I have completely forgotten to rip of the days of my calendar for the past 25 days. And, Kapow! I crossed the 100 days mark, and hadn't even noticed. What was I doing during this time? I was working.
Working in a wonderful and very rewarding and satisfying way, but I was working so hard and so focused on my project (updating my Online Dance Appreciation course) that I barely checked email, ignored all social media and even this blog which actually had reader comments! (Thank you, by the way! I really do love the feedback and support).
So, 5 days passed. Silently and under the radar. Yes, I wrote a ton of HTML code and managed to create a whole new learning tool for my class. But, I had virtually severed by awareness to time. Computers are strange things, you really can lose your life to them. Dangerous. And wonderful. And dangerously wonderful.
94 days.
Imagine, what can a person do in 94 days? What do I want to do in 94 days? What is the most important thing I can do? For myself? For my family? For the world?
As I sit here asking myself this question, my mind runs blank. It could be fear. It could be fatigue (from looking a computer non stop for 5 days). . . It could be. . . ok fine. . . Let's face it. . . it's fear.
Fear of what? Fear that I can't do enough in 94 days. Fear that I don't want to do anything? Fear that my body still hurts? Fear that I won't have been good enough. Being a human is darn tough.
I don't know the answers.
But, let's start with something before I give up on this post.
Let's identify what I do know:
1. People matter. (Family, Friends, Strangers.)
2. Love matters. (Sending it into the world to cause ripples of kindness)
3. Art matters. (It's how we make sense of the world and our place in it)
4. Nature matters. (This world is precious, it must be loved too)
5. Forgiveness matters. (and, it matters toward yourself the most)
What would you do with 100 days to live? Think of it basically as the rest of summer.
You got summer babe, whatcha gonna do with it?!?
Beth
Oh, and if you teach dance, you should consider teaching our new and improved Online Dance Appreciation Course, because the 5 days I gave up in my year to live I gave up because DANCE MATTERS! And, dance literacy is what I have to give to the world.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Competition in Dance: Coming to terms with ACDFA
This week I will be headed to the American College Dance Festival Association (ACDFA) Baja region festival. This is an annual festival that I have been to about 10 times, beginning as a student at UC Santa Barbara. It is a four day event of dance classes and performances for college dance programs to share and enjoy the art of dance.
ACDFA festivals are amazing, filled with interesting and stimulating activities, performances and people. But, I would be lying if I didn't also share that these festivals have a tendency to activate me into a state of anxiety.
But, this is my Year to Live, and the last thing I want to do is have a stressed out ACDFA experience! So, I started to dig around to figure out what exactly was charging me up and ruffling my feathers.
"Oh! Hello, Ego! Funny meeting you here!"
Not so surprising. A laundry list of things set my self conscious ego into a tizzy. Here is the short list:
1. I'm not one of the crazy popular teachers whose class is overflowing.
2. I can't remember everyone's name from year to year. (Badges help-- but still)
3. My choreography/performance is generally not at the caliber of Research 1 institutions (even though I don't teach at a Research 1 institution-- my ego is that crafty!).
4. All of the above makes me feel generally dumb and insignificant within my own profession and passion.
Funny, not one issue has to do with the fact that I am there to mentor students or guide them around the festival. All that is actually rather comforting. I believe and trust that I am helpful to my students. I know that I have information and knowledge that is useful to them. I like being there for them and feel rewarded helping them decide on classes, prepare for performances and understand the diversity and detail within the scope of their festival experience.
But, being in a large conference environment makes me question what I am offering the larger dance community. My silly ego wants something more!
I am truly embarrassed to even share this, but it is the truth. And in my year to live, I can't waste time lying. I see the favorite teachers and the favorite choreographers year to year, and I see that I am not one of them. And, that just plain sucks.
The negative hitch to ACDFA is the pseudo-competition element that is involved with the event. During the festival there are 3-4 Adjudication Concerts in which pieces are performed (anonymously) for a panel of 3 adjudicators (more commonly known as "judges"). No score is given (thank God!), but after they have given verbal feedback for each piece (really these feedback sessions are the best and worst aspect for my ego) they pick a top 10 to perform in a final gala performance. It truly is an honor to perform in the gala. And the piece that do are usually exquisitely crafted and performed.
Now, of course EVERYONE wants to be in the gala. And, this is what sits so uneasily with me as a dance educator. I understand the concept of healthy competition, but I don't think it is healthy for me (and I am guessing other sensitive types too). Granted, I say all of this, and I don't even have a piece in the adjudicated concerts this year. This is old muck that has been churned up just at the prospect of attending to watch!
I love feedback. I hate competition.
It is part of the reason I don't watch any dance shows on TV (also. . .I don't have cable). Trying to measure dance or measure art in order to be given value is counter to everything I believe in. And, I think most of the faculty members who attend ACDFA festivals would agree with me. Probably most of the ACDFA board members would agree with me. Hell, I bet many of the "Adjudicators" agree with me too.
And yet. . .
And yet. . .
We crave validation and approval so fiercely that we engage in this way. That we swallow the poison with the medicine. . . and, hope it doesn't kill our spirit in the meantime.
My stomach upturns just at writing this blog. And, my eyes well up.
In moments, like this I feel ashamed for past beliefs and past behavior, and I remember just how much I love the art of dance. ACDFA is not the villain here, our human frailties are. We want so much. I want so much. I wanted so much.
I am learning to want less. To rediscover my self worth in a smile and a plié.
...just a plié.
Want to read more about my ego? Try out this recent blog of mine. Are you vain?
Or check out this whopper question: Ego vs Artist
Wondering about my Year to Live? Check out where this all started. A Year To Live- 323 Days Left
Want to imagine me in a totally overwhelming dance class situation? Then this is for you: On being "just ok"
ACDFA festivals are amazing, filled with interesting and stimulating activities, performances and people. But, I would be lying if I didn't also share that these festivals have a tendency to activate me into a state of anxiety.
But, this is my Year to Live, and the last thing I want to do is have a stressed out ACDFA experience! So, I started to dig around to figure out what exactly was charging me up and ruffling my feathers.
"Oh! Hello, Ego! Funny meeting you here!"
Not so surprising. A laundry list of things set my self conscious ego into a tizzy. Here is the short list:
1. I'm not one of the crazy popular teachers whose class is overflowing.
2. I can't remember everyone's name from year to year. (Badges help-- but still)
3. My choreography/performance is generally not at the caliber of Research 1 institutions (even though I don't teach at a Research 1 institution-- my ego is that crafty!).
4. All of the above makes me feel generally dumb and insignificant within my own profession and passion.
Funny, not one issue has to do with the fact that I am there to mentor students or guide them around the festival. All that is actually rather comforting. I believe and trust that I am helpful to my students. I know that I have information and knowledge that is useful to them. I like being there for them and feel rewarded helping them decide on classes, prepare for performances and understand the diversity and detail within the scope of their festival experience.
But, being in a large conference environment makes me question what I am offering the larger dance community. My silly ego wants something more!
I am truly embarrassed to even share this, but it is the truth. And in my year to live, I can't waste time lying. I see the favorite teachers and the favorite choreographers year to year, and I see that I am not one of them. And, that just plain sucks.
The negative hitch to ACDFA is the pseudo-competition element that is involved with the event. During the festival there are 3-4 Adjudication Concerts in which pieces are performed (anonymously) for a panel of 3 adjudicators (more commonly known as "judges"). No score is given (thank God!), but after they have given verbal feedback for each piece (really these feedback sessions are the best and worst aspect for my ego) they pick a top 10 to perform in a final gala performance. It truly is an honor to perform in the gala. And the piece that do are usually exquisitely crafted and performed.
Now, of course EVERYONE wants to be in the gala. And, this is what sits so uneasily with me as a dance educator. I understand the concept of healthy competition, but I don't think it is healthy for me (and I am guessing other sensitive types too). Granted, I say all of this, and I don't even have a piece in the adjudicated concerts this year. This is old muck that has been churned up just at the prospect of attending to watch!
I love feedback. I hate competition.
It is part of the reason I don't watch any dance shows on TV (also. . .I don't have cable). Trying to measure dance or measure art in order to be given value is counter to everything I believe in. And, I think most of the faculty members who attend ACDFA festivals would agree with me. Probably most of the ACDFA board members would agree with me. Hell, I bet many of the "Adjudicators" agree with me too.
And yet. . .
And yet. . .
We crave validation and approval so fiercely that we engage in this way. That we swallow the poison with the medicine. . . and, hope it doesn't kill our spirit in the meantime.
My stomach upturns just at writing this blog. And, my eyes well up.
In moments, like this I feel ashamed for past beliefs and past behavior, and I remember just how much I love the art of dance. ACDFA is not the villain here, our human frailties are. We want so much. I want so much. I wanted so much.
I am learning to want less. To rediscover my self worth in a smile and a plié.
...just a plié.
Want to read more about my ego? Try out this recent blog of mine. Are you vain?
Or check out this whopper question: Ego vs Artist
Wondering about my Year to Live? Check out where this all started. A Year To Live- 323 Days Left
Want to imagine me in a totally overwhelming dance class situation? Then this is for you: On being "just ok"
Friday, March 22, 2013
Last Birthday in my Year to Live
Yes! I am 33!
And, I am still working through my Year to Live reflective practice loosely based on Stephen Levine's book.
I am roughly on day 186. Officially at the half way point week. And, it just so happens it is also my birthday. Yikes. That is a lot to take in.
So, I asked myself what I want to do for my "last" birthday, and I decided I want to make a dance for myself. A solo made for me right here and now, reflective of this time and place in my life. And, this time and place is not perfect as far as a dancer is concerned.
I have been working with a back injury for that past year. I have had a history of back issues as I have blogged about in the past (see About the Back and How to Heal), but this one has been the same injury (on and off again-- but mostly on) for the past year. Only recently, when I began a new mind body practice called CFR, have I started addressing the nature of my injury and the consequences of my habitual patterns. It has been an eye opening journey.
The cyclical history of my injury is such that I haven't created a dance for myself in a long time. I create pieces for others, and I have created dances in which I also perform as part of the ensemble (often in a limited way), but I haven't created something just for myself in over a year. And, primarily because of my back injury. Every time I made an effort to create something or to "get back into shape," I would reinjure myself. This was the cycle. So, I basically stopped making dances for me.
This year to live has reminded me that I should not wait for "complete healing" or "getting back into fighting shape" or "until I am able to recapture my lost technique." I can't wait.
The challenge is accepting the fact that this solo won't look like my former solos. It can't because my former solos in fact what lead me to injury (not them exactly but the former choices surrounding their creation). Also, I won't look like I did in my former solos. I have a different shape than I did before this sequence of injuries. Those are the facts.
The movement can't be the same. I am not the same. Whatever ever types of movement and choreographic sequences I made before are basically out of the question now. I can't wow people with my extension or leaps. I won't be able to roll and get up with speed or force. I have to make different choices. I have to make the effort to break the injurious habits and form new patterns in my way of moving, in my way of working and most importantly in my way of thinking.
I need to make a dance that will serve me now. One I can perform now. And, I have to trust that I can enjoy a dance created under these circumstances. And, it can be worthy of being performed for an audience. It is strangely scary. Like I am choreographing for the first time.
But, this needs to be my birthday gift to myself. Because in my Year to Live this is my last birthday, and it can't wait.
Dancing on,
Beth
And, I am still working through my Year to Live reflective practice loosely based on Stephen Levine's book.
I am roughly on day 186. Officially at the half way point week. And, it just so happens it is also my birthday. Yikes. That is a lot to take in.
So, I asked myself what I want to do for my "last" birthday, and I decided I want to make a dance for myself. A solo made for me right here and now, reflective of this time and place in my life. And, this time and place is not perfect as far as a dancer is concerned.
I have been working with a back injury for that past year. I have had a history of back issues as I have blogged about in the past (see About the Back and How to Heal), but this one has been the same injury (on and off again-- but mostly on) for the past year. Only recently, when I began a new mind body practice called CFR, have I started addressing the nature of my injury and the consequences of my habitual patterns. It has been an eye opening journey.
The cyclical history of my injury is such that I haven't created a dance for myself in a long time. I create pieces for others, and I have created dances in which I also perform as part of the ensemble (often in a limited way), but I haven't created something just for myself in over a year. And, primarily because of my back injury. Every time I made an effort to create something or to "get back into shape," I would reinjure myself. This was the cycle. So, I basically stopped making dances for me.
This year to live has reminded me that I should not wait for "complete healing" or "getting back into fighting shape" or "until I am able to recapture my lost technique." I can't wait.
The challenge is accepting the fact that this solo won't look like my former solos. It can't because my former solos in fact what lead me to injury (not them exactly but the former choices surrounding their creation). Also, I won't look like I did in my former solos. I have a different shape than I did before this sequence of injuries. Those are the facts.
The movement can't be the same. I am not the same. Whatever ever types of movement and choreographic sequences I made before are basically out of the question now. I can't wow people with my extension or leaps. I won't be able to roll and get up with speed or force. I have to make different choices. I have to make the effort to break the injurious habits and form new patterns in my way of moving, in my way of working and most importantly in my way of thinking.
I need to make a dance that will serve me now. One I can perform now. And, I have to trust that I can enjoy a dance created under these circumstances. And, it can be worthy of being performed for an audience. It is strangely scary. Like I am choreographing for the first time.
But, this needs to be my birthday gift to myself. Because in my Year to Live this is my last birthday, and it can't wait.
Dancing on,
Beth
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Denying the LIfe That Is - 287 Days Left
Of course, I remember the past 2 weeks. I actually did a lot! It involved Thanksgiving turkey, rehearsals, getting a cold, rainy days, and grading papers among other things.
But, this is my year to live! And, yesterday I had to come to terms with that fact that while I was living I had forgotten to rip off two weeks worth of days from my Year to Live Calendar! 2 weeks! Fourteen days! Gone.
I could have ripped them off all together and been done with it. I mean, I had been busy. I thought to myself: It was the holidays, I got sick, I was distracted, my back was injured. . .
True, but that is not the point. I didn't rip them off all at once in a stack.
I ripped them off one by one. Counting out 14 days of missed life.
But, I was living! Wasn't I??
Well, yes and no. I realized that while I was busy "living" and enduring colds, tough dental work appointments and an injury to my low back, I had forgotten to take note of each passing day, and I had let 2 weeks go by in a blink! I had been so good about ripping the pages off daily. I needed to figure out what had changed. Was I just because I was busier and more challenged?
No.
I realized that these past two weeks, starting with a re-aggravated lower back, I was denying the life that is. My life.
I was closing myself off (and losing days of my life) because I didn't like that I was "living" a life of pain. Better to ignore the whole thing, right?
No.
There will always be issues, there will always be pain. I was in denial of my current state of living and in so doing I was denying my life as a whole. Yet, as much as I know pain is a part of human life, going through days in pain is not easy. Intellectual understanding of pain doesn't make the pain go away. And, no amount of wishing it would heal faster will make it heal faster.
But seeing the white pages of the calendar dropping in the trash one by one was a wake up call that time will still pass whether I acknowledge it or not. So, if I am going to enjoy this "Year to Live" I need to wake up and not let an injury or a cold wipe away my days.
I see now that, somewhere in my brain I thought that not taking off the calendar sheets on these pain filled days would somehow magically make the world stop spinning and the days stop passing. But, that is not how time works. Back pain or no, today is the only thing that matters. I have to make the most of it (whatever that means to me today). So tonight when I rip off the date and watch number 287 float into the trash bin, I can feel good about my efforts to experience it all.
But, this is my year to live! And, yesterday I had to come to terms with that fact that while I was living I had forgotten to rip off two weeks worth of days from my Year to Live Calendar! 2 weeks! Fourteen days! Gone.
I could have ripped them off all together and been done with it. I mean, I had been busy. I thought to myself: It was the holidays, I got sick, I was distracted, my back was injured. . .
True, but that is not the point. I didn't rip them off all at once in a stack.
I ripped them off one by one. Counting out 14 days of missed life.
But, I was living! Wasn't I??
Well, yes and no. I realized that while I was busy "living" and enduring colds, tough dental work appointments and an injury to my low back, I had forgotten to take note of each passing day, and I had let 2 weeks go by in a blink! I had been so good about ripping the pages off daily. I needed to figure out what had changed. Was I just because I was busier and more challenged?
No.
I realized that these past two weeks, starting with a re-aggravated lower back, I was denying the life that is. My life.
I was closing myself off (and losing days of my life) because I didn't like that I was "living" a life of pain. Better to ignore the whole thing, right?
No.
There will always be issues, there will always be pain. I was in denial of my current state of living and in so doing I was denying my life as a whole. Yet, as much as I know pain is a part of human life, going through days in pain is not easy. Intellectual understanding of pain doesn't make the pain go away. And, no amount of wishing it would heal faster will make it heal faster.
But seeing the white pages of the calendar dropping in the trash one by one was a wake up call that time will still pass whether I acknowledge it or not. So, if I am going to enjoy this "Year to Live" I need to wake up and not let an injury or a cold wipe away my days.
I see now that, somewhere in my brain I thought that not taking off the calendar sheets on these pain filled days would somehow magically make the world stop spinning and the days stop passing. But, that is not how time works. Back pain or no, today is the only thing that matters. I have to make the most of it (whatever that means to me today). So tonight when I rip off the date and watch number 287 float into the trash bin, I can feel good about my efforts to experience it all.
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