Boom! . . . Flat on my back. . .

Well, in my last blog, I was my own personal champion for diving into the creative experience. And, I took the leap. . . and ended flat on my back. Literally.

Just as I was getting excited, ready to do the work!

I spent 3 days in bed with a horrible SI (Low back) injury, that kept me completely immobilized and out of work. Three whole days! I have never (ever in my 10 years of teaching) had to take 3 consecutive days off of work because of illness or injury.  It was a first, and it was hard for me to swallow.

The first day, I was ok. I thought to myself "This is what it feels like to take care of myself. I can totally do this."  The second day I said, "Well one more day won't be too bad, different classes will be missed. And, I just have to." Day three:  "What is wrong with me? Three days?  Oh no! What is everyone going to think?"

In many ways that sense of guilt hurt far more than the level 10 pain in my back.   I worried that people were going to think all sorts of ugly negative things about me.  I tortured myself about it for the entire time I was laying on my back, too injured to even hold up a book.  I was certain that people were going to think that I wasn't trying hard enough to heal.  That I wasn't being responsible and "pushing through" as truly motivated and reliable people do. 

But, this was of course all in my head. The reality was I couldn't stand up or sit without intense pain.  The reality was that no matter what anyone was thinking, I was physically unable to teach for three days.  But, I couldn't let go of it.  I was convinced of my doom and gloom as a professional dance instructor. 

But, by the end of that third day of rest, I was finally able to stand without muscle spasm.  On day four I gingerly went to teach, and everyone smiled, glad to see me, asked how I was feeling, expressed just how worried they were for me. One student even gave me a little Mexican incantation to help me heal.  People weren't upset with me for being injured, they were compassionate. Far more compassionate than I was to myself. 

A week later from the initial grab of injury. I am still healing, my pain has moved from a level 10 at the peaks to more of a constant 4.  It still requires me to lay down and rest my back for long periods of the day, allowing the muscles to undo and the joint to heal.  But now, I don't feel guilty taking that time to rest and heal.  I am comforted by the reminder that people have shown me compassion and support. It is my job to honor them by showing the same gentle nurturing to myself.  It doesn't have to be selfish; it doesn't have to be hurried.  As Soto Zen Buddhist Susuki Roshi said, it is just "Things as it is." 

And, I am worthy of healing just as I am. 

So are you. 


(PS The incorrect subject verb agreement in Susuki Roshi's quote is intentional. As a Budhhist he saw the multiplicity of the world as just aspects of everything as one. No duality. Hence we see plural, but the nature is singular. . . Pretty cool stuff).

Denying the LIfe That Is - 287 Days Left

Of course, I remember the past 2 weeks. I actually did a lot! It involved Thanksgiving turkey, rehearsals, getting a cold, rainy days, and grading papers among other things.

But, this is my year to live! And, yesterday I had to come to terms with that fact that while I was living I had forgotten to rip off two weeks worth of days from my Year to Live Calendar!  2 weeks! Fourteen days! Gone. 

I could have ripped them off all together and been done with it. I mean, I had been busy. I thought to myself:  It was the holidays, I got sick, I was distracted, my back was injured.  . .

True, but that is not the point.  I didn't rip them off all at once in a stack.

I ripped them off one by one. Counting out 14 days of missed life. 

But, I was living! Wasn't I??

Well, yes and no. I realized that while I was busy "living" and enduring colds, tough dental work appointments and an injury to my low back, I had forgotten to take note of each passing day, and I had let 2 weeks go by in a blink! I had been so good about ripping the pages off daily.  I needed to figure out what had changed.  Was I just because I was busier and more challenged? 

No.  

I realized that these past two weeks, starting with a re-aggravated lower back, I was denying the life that is.  My life.

I was closing myself off (and losing days of my life) because I didn't like that I was "living" a life of pain.  Better to ignore the whole thing, right?

No.

There will always be issues, there will always be pain. I was in denial of my current state of living and in so doing I was denying my life as a whole.  Yet, as much as I know pain is a part of human life, going through days in pain is not easy.  Intellectual understanding of pain doesn't make the pain go away.  And, no amount of wishing it would heal faster will make it heal faster. 

But seeing the white pages of the calendar dropping in the trash one by one was a wake up call that time will still pass whether I acknowledge it or not.  So, if I am going to enjoy this "Year to Live" I need to wake up and not let an injury or a cold wipe away my days.  

I see now that, somewhere in my brain I thought that not taking off the calendar sheets on these pain filled days would somehow magically make the world stop spinning and the days stop passing.  But, that is not how time works.  Back pain or no, today is the only thing that matters.  I have to make the most of it (whatever that means to me today). So tonight when I rip off the date and watch number 287 float into the trash bin, I can feel good about my efforts to experience it all.

How to Heal

Megill & Company has its big Annual concert (2nd annual actually) on June 2nd. So I have been thinking a lot about it as a director. . .  but also as a dancer. 

As I have written previously, I have unfortunately suffered from (off-again on-again) chronic lower back pain... in the SI joint for those who know it (or have suffered a similar fate). 

I have begun swimming again in preparation, because I need this to heal and I need to be conservative with my body while still keeping in shape.  It is hard because my gut wants to walk, jog, take a yoga class, take a dance class, stretch, aerobics, anything. But, I have to do less. I have to limit my range of motion. Lessen the demand on my ligaments at the SI joint. 

Ligaments are tough because they are like silly putty once they stretche they don't go back like rubber bands.  A ligament may slowly, over time, recoil a little and become stable again, but the original tightness will not be had.  Injury to a muscle is relatively easy to heal in that the muscle has fantastic blood flow and will heal nicely if tended with massage and easy activity and work.  It can heal.  Tendon and ligaments don't work that way.  They are formed of connective tissue that is tightly formed to allow for strength and stability.  When a ligament gets injured, it does not have the regenerative powers of muscle. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of time. And even then, it may never be the same.  Potentially lax and unstable for years to come.

The Si joint is not supposed to move that much (if at all). It is connected by ligaments that most bodies will never notice in sensation.  For many the pelvis feels like one unit-- solid.  Not me.  My pelvis has distinct parts, and I can feel the shifts that occur between the bones of the pelvis and the sacrum (base of the spine).  I wish I couldn't, but I do. 

But, this "woe is me" blog, is not meant to garner pity.  Rather, it is my own reality check.  After my second day of swimming, I see more clearly what I need to do and what I can NOT do.

First:
I can NOT stretch my hips.  Hips pull on the back and that is no good for my overstretched ligaments.
I can NOT do high impact exercise.  Not yet at least
I can NOT feel sorry for myself. And if I do, then I should ice because at least I can do that.

Second:
I can and NEED to keep swimming (its boring, and I feel like I am not really doing a whole lot because it is so low impact, but it does build my core and poses little to no risk of over stretching my SI)
I can and NEED to stop wishing my body were something else (someone else's)
I can and NEED to re-implement the boring stability exercises I know and hate to do.  
I NEED to keep my eye on the prize.  A wonderful performance June 2nd which doesn't render me incapacitated.  

The problem with being injured is that you can't help but want to fix it. IMMEDIATELY.  But, that is the lesson of injuries.  How committed are you to healing?  To the boring and the mundane in order to heal? 

I have to commit.  Wish me luck.

When you get a bum knee. . .

I had a bit of a scare this past week.  Monday night I started feeling a very disconcerting, sharp pain just under my left knee cap. It was shocking and, while not throbbing, frightening to experience because it was unlike any other knee pain I have had (and I spent years with knee braces, wraps, tape and therapy as a teenager).  What was particularly scary was knowing the structures that exist under the knee and knowing how pain in any of them is NOT a good thing.

The next morning I went to my Buddhist study group, and we reviewed the hindrances (those things that hold us back in our spiritual evolution), and I discovered that I was deeply invested in each in regard to my recent injury.  Here is the break down:

Desire:  I wanted to be free of pain. Immediately! I wanted desperately to NOT have an injury. I wanted to be healthy because I felt: "If only I were healthy, I would be able to to what I want to do, be who I want to be, accomplish what I want/need to accomplish."

Aversion:  I was afraid that this pain would be permanent and that I would suffer forever. I was angry at myself for not being able to stay injury free. I was afraid of what others thought and that I was going to have to let everyone around me down because I couldn't dance.

Sloth and Torpor:  This is actually the one hindrance to which I generally don't fall prey.  Whew!  But, the truth is I didn't ice the injury until day two. Yes, I put on arnica, wrapped it with an ace bandage and wore sensible shoes, but I didn't ice it when that is the first thing I tell any student with a joint injury.  So, there was certainly reluctance and sloth present.

Restlessness:  I was nervous (terribly worried) that this injury was going to have lasting repercussions.  I was anxious and irritable.  I couldn't stop talking about it to my husband. I was obsessed.

Doubt:  I seriously doubted that I had any control of my healing. I didn't believe that my body can heal itself. I doubted that I would get over/passed this. I doubted that I would be able to move forward, continue, do great things.

I was in the thick of it.  And, I suffered.  But, I am glad that I identified what I was experiencing while I was experiencing it. That, after all, is the first step to mindfulness (and ultimately moving beyond it).  I went through the list of hindrances as I did above and noted (with attempted non-judgement) to see the situation for what it was.  I was not suffering physical pain as much as I was suffering the emotional pain of mere potential repercussions.  I was torturing myself as I am so good at doing.  (Really, I could totally offer a course on how to make yourself suffer.  I'm a pro. I can guarantee great results.)

Four days of rest and a chiropractic visit later, my knee is significantly better.  But, I still don't push it.  I have given myself the entire weekend to rest. My mantra: avoid plié (a deep knee bend).  So, I might try a short walk tomorrow. But, no dance. No yoga. 

What I do know, is that you don't mess with joint injuries (knees especially).  The first set is free but the second costs a bundle (with a very slow recovery rate).  I am now feeling hopeful.  And, in someways, proud that I did the conservative thing and took a full day of rest immediately to allow any inflammation to go down before I put it at further risk (even treatment).  It was a tough week.  Hard to stomach, but I got through it and look forward to restrengthening my knee and being more mindful of its preciousness in the future. 



Love the knees.  Love them. 

Is there something you can work through with the help of addressing the hindrances?  If so post them here as a comment. I would love to hear about them.

The Challenge of Doing Less

Sometimes the solution to a problem is not doing more but doing less. But, Uggh! Why is not doing something so much harder than doing something? 

The whole "less is more philosophy" is certainly a principle I fully embrace in my choreography, but as I have been explaining in past blogs, it is something I have been struggling to embrace in my daily life.  And, now I see the same epidemic in nearly everyone around me. It seems everyone is doing too much and has a hard time accepting that not doing something is the healthier more balanced option.

For instance, a student came to me with an injury (the 3rd in a list of recent injuries) wondering what else she could do to help it heal.  I had to explain that her body wasn't hurting because it needed her to do more for it, but rather than it needed her to do less. To give it a rest and allow it to heal on its own.

But, when you are a busy bee (like this student and I are), you are used to taking an active role in all aspects of your life. Therefore, choosing to refrain or become passive is a tough pill to swallow.  If only there was a real "tough pill" to swallow!  That would be easier than suffering doing nothing at all.  Because then, at least, you would be doing something.

So, I asked her when she had time to rest. She said Saturday she had nothing. . . only three hours of rehearsal.  ONLY 3 hours of rehearsal?!? What is the world coming to that 3 hours of challenging dancing is nothing? 

You can't rush healing, whether it be physical, emotional or psychological. Yet, if you are like me you want a quick fix (or at least a guaranteed fix), like "take this supplement 3x a day and you will be better, do this stretch before and after each class and you will feel like new in approximately a day and half."  But, instead, the prescription is to stop, quiet yourself, listen and wait. 

Meditation is exactly this. The practice of doing less.

Next time you feel imbalanced ask yourself: Does this concern call for doing more or doing less?

Chances are the harder option (whether it be more or less) is probably the right one.



 

About the Back. . .

I found myself this morning curled up on the couch, face buried in surrounding pillows and blankets and back seizing. Again.

In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be unconscious. I wanted to leave the waking realm so that I could forego the pain and patience for healing my lower back.  A familiar and recurrent injury. This was nothing new and after a week of "staying positive" I had had enough. I wanted to run and punch someone, throw a fit and smash furniture (or walls if I could).  I wanted the relentless ache and radiating pain to go away! I wanted to shout it out of my life. For good.

This was all happing within a hour of my dance company rehearsal.  In less than an hour, I was going to have to be presentable to the world and a helpful leader to the group.  But, at that moment, I was paralyzed with frustration and hurt.  Hurt due to the actual pain, but hurt also from the psychological toll being injured takes on a "mover."

Being sedentary for the last two days wasn't helping my mood either. I had been laid up sleeping on and off for two days.  I realize now just how sensitive my brain chemistry is.  It seems I can't go more than a day without physical activity of some sort.  It is funny, because I think it is ok at the time, in fact in the moment I like the feeling of "resting," but after two days, I am melancholy at best and flat out depressed at worst.  Today I was experiencing the worst.

Injury and depression mix a dangerous cocktail.

And, I have been drinking it non stop all weekend.  The weekend planned for recovery turned into a weekend of downward spiraling.  No need for chemical enhancers, I can do this all on my own. So, curled into a ball, face pressed into the back couch cushions, I had to act.  I had to change something. I asked my rock solid husband to take a walk with me.  The moment I got outside the tears came.  The walk was a little aggravating for my back, but the reality of why I was upset was more painful than the physical discomfort.  I realized that when I wanted to run and punch someone, I was wanting to run and punch myself.  In that moment I believed that I had hurt my back, that it was my fault it had gone out again. Even if that was true, I see now that I don't deserve punishment. I have already punished myself enough.  I'm injured for heaven's sake!

I am already hurting so why am I trying to hurt and hate myself more?

I wanted this post to be something different. I wanted it to be sarcastic and funny.  To entertain you with my misfortune and pain.  But, unfortunately I'm still a little too raw for that, and I've decided that this is not something to joke about; it needs deeper compassion and forgiveness than that.

If you have back pain, have had back pain or ever have back pain in the future.  Please remember this:

You are not the cause, you are not the problem, you are not insufficient, you are not cursed. You are not the pain, you are not the injury, you are not this experience.  You will heal, you will recover, you will move freely and without inhibition again. You are lovable, you are worthy of being healthy and happy, you are just fine-- just the way you are.  Life's details of pain and suffering can feel so real, but your essence goes beyond all of this.  You --as you are in this very moment-- are everything you need to be.