When Wonder Woman gets Shingles

Thanks for reading this seeing as I haven't been posting regularly. It has been tough finding the balance between work, art and parenting. (Well, duh!)

What brought me here today? Well, you know that moment when you feel like everything is going pretty well. Life is full and busy and bustling and yet, things are generally getting done, and you are generally managing. You have a moment in which you feel like superwoman before. . . you get shingles.

Hence, your body steps in to say, "Not so fast buster! I know you like burning the candle at both ends, but, I'm here to chime in and say, it doesn't work that way." As someone still in her thirties, I'm not supposed to get shingles. All the websites say it is usually seen in people over 50.  I still have over a decade to go! And, yet, these little red lesions on my waistline are undoubtedly shingles.  I know, because I have had them before.  Sigh.

I'm just so sensitive.  I guess we all are in some way or another. Whether it hits us sooner or later, whether we hide it or blog about it, we are all just doing our best to get along and figure out life as best we can in the midst of the chaos and without a compass or map in hand.

My prescription should really be: chill the heck out. Stop working, and, instead, spend an afternoon watching movies and sleeping.  Yet, I just finished a two hour stint of work and am whiling away the hour by writing this blog. Good choices can be hard to make sometimes.  But, we keep at it. We keep trying to no try so hard. We keep our focus on not being too focused, and we worry about not worrying so much. 

Now to bed. And, I recommend you try to find your way there too before your system rebels.

Beth

Expectations are the worst!

Time and time again I get caught in emotional gridlock due to expectations and assumptions made either by me of others or by others of me.  Expectations are the worst! They are a sure fire way to suck enjoyment out of most situations and ruin otherwise perfectly pleasant interactions and relationships. 

Too bad. 

The biggest problem is that we are human. There is no perfect way to communicate; there are no perfect words. We don't come with directions and neither does any one else in the world.  We stumble along our paths, bumping recklessly into each other hoping we don't bruise each other or ourselves too badly in the process. We can't help our messiness.

There is a verse from the Tao Te Ching that states "The skillful traveler leaves no tracks." What a beautiful image to remind us how we all can aim to be more skillful in our lives!  It is a reminder that it is possible to skillfully navigate our way through the world-- not just toward the environment but toward each other. When we interact with each other we often leave behind a residue that they carry with them and that we carry with us from that point on.  The messier our interactions the thicker and more toxic the residue becomes. If only we could act with such clarity, respect, patience and non-attachment, that we didn't leave behind our nasty residue on each other.

But, unfortunately, it takes practice, and, in the best of cases, we will only ever be one half of a relationship. When we have unvoiced expectations of each other, we are brewing a our toxic soup of emotions. We are setting ourselves up for crisis, and, when we are unclear about what others can expect from us, then we are giving them an opportunity to brew their special blend of resentment, hurt, disappointment, fear, anger, jealousy or embarrassment.

We can't avoid all misunderstandings, but the clearer we communicate our needs to others and the more clearly we establish our boundaries in what they can expect from us, we increase our chances of avoiding total disaster.

And, when the occasional disaster strikes, we do what we can to mediate with compassion so we can move forward and try again.


Read more of the Dancing Poetess here:
I want to write gooder
Did you make your bed today?

Did you make your bed today?

It's been a while since I have checked in to my musings to report on the goings on in my brain and heart.  Sometimes we just need to be in the world, doing what we do. Doing. Working. Experiencing. Being. This past week was my first uninterrupted week of work since starting my sabbatical.  I actually had time at home to do my work without being called away.  What a luxury and what a challenge! The challenge of course is the magnitude of my projects and the awkwardness of moving between them, prioritizing them and following through with them. 

I have found that it takes me at least 1/2 hour just to get back into a project that has been inert, remember what I have done and figure out what I need to do next.  Then of course comes the actual work of doing that next step in such a way that I am prepared for the following step.  As I write this, it sounds incredibly dry and boring, and I am wondering why any one would ever keep reading this little post.  But, I feel deep down there is a lesson here. . . somewhere.

When we have vision, and we have great goals for change and growth, new information, and new processes, we need tools to follow through with them. It becomes more complicated when you're like me and have three or more huge projects in the works at one time. Switching between them mentally can be a huge effort. 

So, I have shifted my emphasis from what I am working on to what I am finishing.

Finishing, doesn't mean I am completely done, but done enough to let that project sit for a while in a state that I can successfully pick up when it is time.  In other words, as I am working on a project, I am also thinking about the trail of breadcrumbs I am leaving behind that will help be reengage with the work later.  I ask myself, is this document complete enough to consider a draft (whether brainstorm, outline, first or second)? Is this somehow usable for the next step? Or have I just left behind I mountain of chaotic thoughts that might leave me feeling more overwhelmed when I return to it?

Usability is key for me.  I am incredibly talented at starting ideas, doing incredible brainstorming and then leaving it to sit and go nowhere.  Now, as I am working on my sabbatical project I ask at each stage whether this dance score, or this chart, or this lesson plan can be used.  Luckily, I am not a perfectionist so usability is something I can see at a variety of stages. Ultimately I want to create resources for myself so that I don't have to recreate the wheel every time.  

There is something satisfying about generating something that works.  

It's a bit like making your bed in the morning so it is ready for you to get in at night. Do the little bit of extra work that invites you back into the process so you can enter with joy and excitement.  

Which leads me to my final question. . . 

Did I make my bed today? 

Patience for Change

How often it is that we desire change? And equally often we desire things to stay the same?  I find that when I am sick, I can not wait to feel better.  I so badly want my condition to change that I am doubly miserable beyond the fact that my nose is running or my stomach hurts.  Likewise, when I am  lounging in bed in the morning, I so desperately want time to stand still so I can linger endlessly among my pillows. 

Buddhism is based on the principle that everything is always changing and yet (in its very Zen way) that everything is ultimately the same. Ugh. This doesn't help clarify life at all!

But, the idea does encompass the quandary of our subjective experience of time and how we suffer when things change and suffer when things stay the same.  Today I was feeling somewhat unwell and I wanted desperately to feel better FAST! But, I had taken the medicine and all I could do was wait.  I needed time to pass in order for my condition to change.  I couldn't speed it up (nor of course could I slow it down). Life moves along at its own pace.  Our bodies take time to heal, medicine takes time to work, and beautiful sunsets will come to an end. 

When I ask myself for patience, I am asking myself for two things really: 

First, I am reminding myself that change takes time. I remind myself that I can trust in the inevitability of change and rest assured that circumstances and the current experience will change. 

Secondly, I want to feel at ease during my wait.  Having patience for me doesn't mean suffering every second that I feel terrible until I feel better.  Having patience means having compassion for my current state while I am experiencing said challenge or discomfort. 

By observing my sensations and my inner experience, I notice that while I may not feel great, I don't have to suffer dually in my desire for change. I can watch myself and allow the process to take its course with understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.  It is a practice. As all aspects of Buddhism and life are.  We detach from the desire for change (or non change) in order to find ease in the way things are.  By seeing things as they are, we have a better chance of responding with sensitivity, compassion and resilience.  

Have you practiced patience today?

The Burden of Expectation

Today is the first day of summer break. And, the first day of my year-long sabbatical.  Let's Party!

Or not. . .

Today already I feel the pressure.  How?!?


It's my first day off but I quickly realized how strongly I suffer from the burden of expectations. Of course I am excited about my sabbatical-- it promises a time filled with reflection, rejuvenation, possibility, and learning.  And, I know what is expected of me from others. I have a well defined project dealing with dance notation that is exciting and achievable.  (Expect more on this in the future)

But, what do I expect from myself during this time?

A lot.

. . and high expectations have been with me all of my life.  Occasionally people mistake me for a perfectionist.  I'm not. . . anyone who has seen my house or seen me in rehearsal knows that I enjoy improvisation more than controlled perfection.  But, I do have high expectations for myself. 

I have worked hard and achieved great things including a solid job (which has granted me a year long sabbatical), a national presence amongst dance educators and a rewarding marriage and home life. But, these self induced expectations follow me.  Today was my first official day of summer and my mind was reeling with the question "What should I do?" "What do I need to do?" and then I rested on "What do I want to do?"

This next year (essentially 16 months including both summers) will bring things I can't imagine. And, while I have some structure in place (with my notation project), I am not exactly sure what this year will bring. 

Of course, the lesson is that we can never know.  We encounter life moment by moment and expectations often get us in trouble because they so often closely align with assumptions.  I don't want to live this next year according to my expectations. My expectations are a burden that I no longer want to carry.  Instead I am ready to look toward intention.  Yeah, it's a somewhat corny (and über-trendy) way of talking about life.  But, living according to an intention is the only way to live without becoming attached to an outcome.  When we live by expectation we are bound to either exceed, meet or fall short of them.  But, when we live by intention we are bound to discover the unknown as it unfolds in front of us and better enjoy ourselves along the way. 

This year will bring the unexpected.  But, I intent to take advantage of all that comes my way. 

How do you intend to spend your summer? Your year? Your life?

Ownership - in a world of excess

Happy New Year! The dancing poetess is back.

And, this year I have set a strong intention of OWNERSHIP.  The idea of owning and ownership first came up last fall in my CFR work.  In this case, I was so frustrated with a part of my body that I had essentially disowned it completely. Ignoring it in a vain hope that it would somehow go away to fix itself.  Of course, it just doesn't work that way. 

And so the questions arose:  What does it mean to own something?  What does an owner do? 

To put it into context I thought about owning a pet (which I currently do not for many of the reasons below):
First, when you own a pet you must care for it regularly.  You must feed it as needed and clean up after it on a daily basis.  You must care for it at all costs under all circumstances, even when you are mad, even when you are tired, even when you are out of town.  In return, you get to love it and it loves you back. You receive the joy of interacting with it and all of its quirks and personalities.  But, when a pet is ill it can be heartbreaking, therefore, we must also be prepared to care for it during these special times, giving it extra time, attention and love.  Also, we must realize that our actions directly reflect the life of this being.  For instance if we overfeed our dog or cat, it is our responsibility to change the diet.  For its health and longevity.  Excess only makes it harder to properly care for something we own. 

So, now I am looking at the things I own in my life both physical and energetic/emotional.  Both came into practice when I decided to clean out my jewelry drawer.  I love jewelry (mostly funky, hippie stuff, cheap and of little value).  But, having so much of it was making it hard to appreciate what I owned. Much of it has gone unworn for years.  I had too much to properly care for what I had.  So I started giving and throwing things away as needed.  In this process I had to own my decision making for what was worth keeping and what needed to be giving away (even if I never wore it!). For more on my erroneous thinking behind saving things, read my blog Save the Blue Sweater. 

I moved onto my other drawers and then I hit the gold mine of excess-- the sock drawer. Or rather, the sock drawer and nearby basket full of various socks.  Immediately my mind went to the justification. 

I am a dancer. We often dance in socks and need a lot of them.  Plus, they get really dirty on the dance floor, and I need to keep some that are designated dance floor socks, right? Some socks have just the right texture for a marley dance floor, while others don't work at all, but are great with boots or other shoes.  I need all of these socks. Unless they have a hole, I can't give them away or throw them away.  

But, of course, the reality is that I don't need all of these socks. And, while I can't go back and un-wear them or un-buy them. I can throw out the old ones and make more space for what I do have. 

I went through this process with much of my small house. My husband Dan helped support me and also gave away much of his old or simply unused things.  We made space and through the process really owned the things we wanted in our lives.  While, the house purging was fantastic, the real value of this practice was in the process of practicing my sense of ownership. 

I had to own every decision I made about the things I want in my life.  I was exercising the muscle of ownership and conscious dis-ownership.  By practicing ownership I was practicing my personal power.  I was owning my personal power.  Even in this small way, for me it was a huge step.  It was a metaphor for they way I have been ignoring other aspects of my life and not owning them.

Now, I see much more clearly how I want to honor chosen aspects of my life and my person with my time, attention and care. And, how, more will only make it more difficult to do so. 

What exists in your life that you might not be owning right now?  Do you own your body? your time? your things? your decisions? your power?  Are you giving the care-taking energy these thing deserve?  

Happy New Year,
Beth

A Year to Live - Stones for Change

Of course changing habits is hard! There are a million books written on the subject.  I've probably read at least 20 of them over the past 10 years.  I like the books. They give me hope that things can change.  They make it seem possible.

But, merely reading the books doesn't help.

The only way to make change is to practice.

So, I devised a system to help me keep track of my progress. But this system is a little different, because it sits in front of me everyday on my coffee table as a reminder.  A physical 3-dimensional reminder that I am on a path to change.  It looks like this. . . 



Yes, bowls filled with stones!

Here is the premise:  I started with 44 stones in my Growth Bowl.  This visually represents the practice I need to accomplish to make the changes I want to make.  When I practice good behaviors I transfer a stone from the Growth Bowl to the Success Bowl*. 

In my case, I have chosen 3 ways to earn a stone. 

     1.  I can eat at home the whole day to save money and make healthier choices.
     2.  I can go to the gym for cardio.
     3. I can take a walk around the High Road (the 1 1/2 mile loop around the Brandeis Bardin Campus where I live).

But!  The stones can go both ways! If I exhibit less healthy behaviors, I have to return a stone to the Growth Bowl (reminding me I have more practice to do).  However, the key is not to punish myself if I make a poor choice, but to recognize that my choices, both healthy and unhealthy, have a cumulative effect, and that I am looking for the overall success. 

I "lose" a stone a few ways:

     1.  I eat out more than 1x a day.  (3 meals out = 2 stones!)
     2.  I eat a gluttonous amount. (usually because I eat while I'm tired or stressed out)
     3.  I eat more than one sweet a day. 

For me this practice is all about moderation and the visual representation that I am making more healthy choices than unhealthy ones.  The result of course gives me confidence that I can make changes and the changes make me feel good. 

The best lesson is the act of taking a moment to pause and think before I make a decision.  Do I really want to spend money eating out? Do I really want that second brownie? Will taking a walk before bed reduce my stress level? Of course, I know the answer, but this holds me accountable to my value set.

Earning stones is my way of practicing awareness in my life and learning to be mindful of how I want to exist in the world.  My stones have to do with living a healthy lifestyle in the areas where I think I need growth, but this practices could be done with any behavior.  My husband has his own set of stones (in white bowls) and doing it together is fun.  Some days I earn more stones than he does and other days he earns more than I do. But, it encourages us both to stay awake and alert of our actions as we go through our days. 

We also will gift each other a stone for exceptional behavior that is not on the list.  For instance, if he helps a friend with yard work or I have a particularly productive dance rehearsal.  This allows us to be flexible in our growth and see all aspects of our lives through the mindful lens. 

Today I have earned 3 stones.   
     1. 20 min Yoga in the morning
     2.  Afternoon walk around the High Road
     3.  Eating only fresh foods at home!

*Note: I think it is key that the terminology of the bowls be positive on both sides.  Growth gives me hope that I can grow to change. If I labeled it "Bad" I would likely abandon ship-- Just writing about it gives me a heavy heart.  Think positive for lasting change! 

Side note:  Why 44 stones?  Because we only had 88 on hand so we divided them equally.

A Year to Live - 323 Days Left

Don't worry! I am not ill, and I hopefully have many, many more years to live.

But, what if I didn't?  What if this was my last November, my last Channukah, Christmas, New Years, Birthday. . . ?  I have started a practice with my spirituality group called "A Year To Live" inspired by Stephen Levine's book with the same name.  Of course we are doing it our Buddhist inspired way, but the essential questions remain the same. 

How can I live my life to the fullest? . . . What does that even mean? 

I started my year to live on Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, and I am now down to 323 days left.  It's been a while since I have posted to this blog because this first month has been a doosey as I have reorganized my thinking, my approach to life and in some ways the contents of my life. 

I started by calculating the total hours it would take for me to do everything I want to do in a week.  I turns out I would need some 121 hours a week (and that was without allotting time for meals or family).  Alas, I am only awake approximately 105 hours a week. So, therein was the first problem I identified in my quality of life. I wanted to do too many things and in result everything suffered and most of all I suffered.  I was losing integrity.  And, fast. 

So I made the difficult cuts to things I enjoyed in my life but just didn't have time for.  Sadly, my yoga membership and my participation in the Razor Babes was among them.  But, I simply couldn't live the rest of my "year to live" feeling overwhelmed and generally disappointed in myself for not being able to accomplish everything I wanted to in a week. I was doomed to failure, by the mere math of there not being enough waking hours! 

But, simplifying was just the first step.  The "year to live" perspective has permeated most of my daily decisions.  Now I find myself asking how I want to live my life starting with the here and now.

How do I want this moment to be? To feel?

How do I want this evening to be?

This day? This week?

The good news is that I believe I am on track with most of my life decisions. I love teaching, I love creating dances and I love learning.  I have loving relationships with my husband and family.  In general, I am living the way I want to live in the big scheme of things.  But, the little stuff is what gets me from time to time. Getting caught up in the illusions that cause anxiety. The demands of the moment that feel like life and death, but really are trivial, silly or simply not worth my time. 

This practice is, however, not as simple as it seems.  It is often hard to see the truth of the situation, to dig past the eye catching details of the moment and see the essentials of life as it is.  I still have bad days. I still have moments of insecurity and uncertainty. But, this practice has already changed my attitude toward myself, others and the world. 

I won't last forever; no one will.  This too shall pass. I shall pass. The joys, the suffering, the clarity, the confusion, the life, the death.  It is all transient.

So, what do we make of the here and now?  

The present.  The gift of being present. 

My Weaker Left Side

Having trained as a dancer since the wee age of 3, I have a deeply rooted sense of my body.  I can "feel" my body in space most clearly at all times.  In dance we call this one's kinesthetic awareness.  Well, whatever it is called, I got it. Bad.  No really, it is something I enjoy. My body memory is so strong that I can "feel" myself in motion when I am lying in bed, sitting down, riding a train.  I can envision dance and my brain and body produce sensations that mimic the actual movement.  It's a trip.

But, I realized some time back that I am almost always right side dominant both in these mental "kinesthetic" visions and in my active life.  If I am envisioning movement, my right side is the leader of the action, the initiator, the side of me that I most clearly sense and feel.  This of course is also true when I choreograph.  I am right sided.

If you are wondering, I am also right handed. I brush my teeth with my right hand and I balance best on my right foot.  No surprise there. 

But, I am concerned for my left side. In yoga, the left side of the body is the yin side of the body, energized by a softer, feminine, cool, dark energy.  The right side in contrast is the yang side powered by a strong, masculine, hot, bright energy.  Everyone needs both energies in their life.  It reflects our need for exertion and recuperation in all aspects of life.

What disconcerts me is that my left side feels asleep, numb, as if it were somehow paralyzed.  Of course in reality it isn't any of those things. I have full function on my entire left body. But, energetically speaking, I am deeply aware of the imbalance between my right and left sides. 

My left side feels awkward, disconnected, uncoordinated, and I wonder what effect this is having on my daily life.  Is that perhaps why I need so much sleep to feel rested?  That I need long periods of recuperation?  Is my left side limping along to such a degree that my right has taken the reigns in all aspects of my life?  Maybe it has nothing to do with it, maybe it has everything to do with it.

But, regardless, I feel a need to foster my left side.  And, I can tell all ready that it is going to be work.  My right side is so eager to help out!  But, my awareness of this fact is too strong for me to ignore it. 

So, the adventure begins:

Dear weaker left side, it is time to wake up!

Beth


Here are a couple interesting resources on Brain-Body connection
The Brain Dance
http://creativedance.org/about/braindance/



Article on Integration of the Body
http://danceadvantage.net/2010/02/22/body-integration/




Video of Body Half and Cross Lateral Movement patterns (Bartenieff fundamentals)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEiVgTcinP4