The Luxury of Discontent

I'm learning more and more just how often I am searching, yearning, craving, obsessed, tortured by the idea that I am somehow missing out on life. I lead a full and rich life that is, by all standards, pretty fantastic. It's true! But, I don't always feel fantastic. In fact I often feel far less than fantastic. And, there are times, when I feel down right crummy. For no good reason. I even fantasize that it would be easier if I could just have a massive problem in my life to justify my malaise and rev up my engines for action. But, that is a terrible idea because my life is already incredibly full and certainly I don't want life to get crummier. It is already in a state of disharmony that is worth writing a blog about.

So, what is the issue?

The issue is that I have the luxury of comfort which leads me to the unanswerable existential questions. Why am I here? Who am I? What does it all mean? Every Ted talk I have listened to in the past couple months (in my search for relief of my discontent) talk about purpose. But, when we get really existential about it. Purpose is dependent on our having an established perspective on the value of our existence. Existential questions have lurked in the back of my brain/body my whole life. I have routinely found myself frustrated with not getting "it." What "it" is exactly is unclear, but certainly, there should be something to "it." Right? Maybe?

Or, maybe not. My world is brilliant and mundane. It stable and imbalanced. It is hard but rather easy (in that suburban way). It is a mixed bag to say the least. What drags me down the most is the sense that there is something more out there. I have serious FOMO. Not that i fear missing out on what exactly other people are doing, but I fear I am missing out on living life fully. Shouldn't I be more excited about life? It seems everyone else is (ok fine, at least some other people are) jumping out of their beds in the morning celebrating the "good vibes" and "simple pleasures" in a blissed out state of feel good. There is a line in a Buddhist chant called the Loving Kindness Sutta.

 "This is what should be accomplished by the one who is wise, who seeks the good and has obtained peace. Let one be  strenuous upright and sincere, Without pride, easily contented and joyous. . ."

Easily contented and joyous? My goodness! Such a tall order for this life! I have been feeling anything but content these past few months. And, the worst part about it is that nothing is wrong! Except, life. This is what we are here to do. This experience of discontent is "it" as much as anything else. This is the richness of life. But, not in a special "blissed out" way; rather in the way life as a human is messy. Life is morning that turns into afternoon that turns into evening that turns into night. It is both remarkable and entirely unremarkable. 

My current lesson is that this can't be fixed. There is no "it" to fix. No fixing will change things because, this is as life is. This is what we are here to do.  I can choose to surrender to the need to fix and find solutions. What would I do with my time if I weren't constantly trying to feel better all the time!? I can allow things to be what they are (which again is pretty darn good in my case). Will I ever have a sense of great optimism again? Maybe. I don't know, but, chasing after it is not going to bring me any closer to it. I will just be running away from myself again and again. 

So, I'll just be over here. Allowing "it" to be what "it" is. Letting go of the hope of something more special and embracing the mishmash that is life right now. It's ok.  "It" is just fine as it is. 

Spirit of Learning (Recent thoughts on Education)

(I wrote this for my students but it certainly applies to all of life.)

Go! Do! Be More! Faster! Harder! Aaaaaaah!

It seems the world is pushing us to hurry up and . . . what?  . . . be successful?
What does that even mean?

I have been reading a very interesting book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F---K, by Mark Manson. Despite its punchy title, it is a powerful little book that puts into perspective what it is we are here to do in this lifetime and what really matters. I highly recommend it.

The reason I bring it up is that I have found recently that many students have forgotten what it really means to get an education. News Flash: Education is not merely preparing to have a job.  If you are well educated it is more likely you will get a job, but education does not have the explicit goal of getting you a job. Training will get you a job. Education will give you quality of life. 

The Spirit of Learning is the spirit of real education. And, that is what I am most interested in as a teacher, as a human!.  What is the bigger picture here? So, when you submit an assignment (as crazy making as it can seem) it is not about the length, it is not about the number of sentences, words, characters. Everything you turn in for credit is an opportunity to show me that you are putting in the time to investigate the content of the course and most importantly how it changes you, your views, your appreciation. your world! This is the stuff that will enrich your life and make it meaningful.
Counting points to get that A (or B or C) will only torment you. That is not the spirit of learning.
I promise that if you do your best to communicate the spirit of your learning in each and every assignment the grade will follow. Because you will actually be learning.

Things that require you to work hard are thing worth having. Freebies are transient and disposable.  They may make you happy in the short term, but they will not make you happy in the long term.

Give yourself a chance to enjoy your education.

3 Tips for the Spirit of Learning

Ask yourself:
1. "What is the goal of this assignment?" "Why would my teacher assign it to me?" Answer those question within your submission.

2. "How am I representing myself in my work?" "Do I express that I learned something from the assigned reading?" "Do I honor the process with full sentences and grammar?" Ensure your submission reflects your mature thinking and values.

3. "Is there a way I could actually make this FUN?" That doesn't mean you have to spend MORE time on the assignment, it is about your ability to enjoy the challenge and/or process while you are working. (In fact it might actually take you less time working this way. . . just sayin')

Tell me you love me!

We all need to feel loved.  It is essential to our health and well being. Not to mention our quality of life!

Feeling loved comes from feeling supported, connected and accepted by others. We exist in this world together. We live together, work together, play together, and dance together. Our sense of self is undoubtedly tied (in some way) to how we relate to others, as individuals and as groups. Others' reactions offer us feedback on who we are and how our actions have influence or not. But, for some of us, external feedback becomes more than just feedback. It becomes the test of whether we are worthy of being loved.

When we base our self worth on others' opinions, we enter the role of victim. We are subject to the highs and lows of that feedback.  We lose our sense of personal power when we give it away to the whims and preferences of others. On the flip side, we can't disregard all opinions of those around us.  That would be completely narcissistic and sociopathic.

It is not an all or nothing situation.  And, that is exactly what makes it so tricky and so emotionally confusing. 

I recently had a friend who posted a sort of "challenge" on Facebook, requesting those who actually care about her and the relationship/friendship to post one word in the comments about how they met.  On first glance it is a fun a playful game.  

But, when we look deeper, we can recognize the challenge as a powerful strategy for getting positive feedback which can momentarily bolster our sense of worth and importance.  Of course, the people who see it will respond!  They will want to pass the test and are now obligated if they want to affirm the relationship.  But, the strategy comes at a severe cost.  Those who don't post (for whatever reason including the fact that might not see it) have now "failed" the friendship. Is it an accurate portrayal of your friends? Or is is just a coincidence as to who was on a phone or computer at that given moment?  The test is imperfect, hugely imperfect. While it might seem benign at first, it can foster unhealthy ways of thinking about ourselves and who we are in relationship to others. What do we actually gain from asking people to post proof of their commitment or love? What happens if people don't post? And, ultimately, how does all of this affect our sense of self worth?

What does this painfully faulty, certainly imperfect, and potentially power sucking experience teach us?


Social media is entertainment (and marketing).  It is not about meaningful connection.  It can include meaningful moments, but that is the exception to the rule. In short, social media is a faulty feedback system.  As a choreographer and event director, I have learned just how easy it is for people to "like" an event or even join an event, but to actually show up at the event is another story. Social media is just plain inaccurate at times.

We know all this deep inside. Yet, we continue to play the game, and the neurons that fire together wire together. The more we engage, the more we think it is a good idea to engage.  But, it is certainly not a good idea to disengage, right? The feedback back system may be faulty, but it can still be useful, right? 

For me the key lies in the questions:
What do I hope to gain out of my time on social media?
With whom am I connecting and for what reasons?
How am I connecting and is it reflective of my real values or sense of self?

If we start to look to social media as our strategy for earning love, we will fall into a deep hole of powerlessness. This includes the moments when we feel "victory" for having 30 likes on a post, or 50 or 200! The moment of joy we feel when we get recognition is the moment we should question because it is in those moments that we have given away our power of self worth to someone else. Inevitably, the next post that only gets 2 likes will feel like a failure. Our self worth plummets again.

How do we protect ourselves from this vicious cycle?  We don't have to close our accounts, but we do have to practice awareness at every turn.  To check the highs as much as we check the lows.  We notice again and again when we are using the tool as a strategy for a deeper need like love, appreciation, connection, or acceptance.

Then we forgive ourselves. And. . . try again. 

I want to write gooder.

I haven't been blogging that much this month, in part because I have been writing so many other documents that I am "computered out" by the time the work day is done. In fact, I have discovered that most of the projects I have on my list of "things to do while on sabbatical" are sedentary, and, of those, the majority involve being on a computer. In other words, I am writing a lot just not blogging.

Here's what I have in the works: two first drafts for articles regarding dance literacy, half-completed legal and procedural documents for CDEA, and, last but not least, my actual sabbatical project on dance notation and literacy lesson plans. I have probably written about 10,000 words this month (a modest guess).

I believe I am a decent writer. I feel I am usually clear in my thoughts and have a generally easy time getting my point across. But, I acknowledge that I am not a strong copy editor. I know that my syntax is rather unvaried and that I often err on the side of sentences being short and to the point rather than complex and scholarly. Being a decent writer brought me this far and has served me well as a student and as a teacher, but these days I am asking more of my writing. I need my writing to be better than mediocre. I need it to be seamless, and I want it to be excellent.

I figure if my first drafts look more like second or even third drafts, I will be able to get more of my ideas out there in the world and be able to write and move on. My current writing practice looks something like this:
1. I get a jaw dropping, amazing idea (or at least an interesting one)
2. I jot it down in a flurry of passionate excitement
3. I leave it alone
- or-
4. I try to find a way to share it, which requires me to edit, edit, edit.
5. I reconsider leaving it alone.

Editing is both difficult and boring! It can be fun to edit someone else's work, but it is terrible to sit down and edit my own. So, rather than force myself into the throes of editing, I decided to take on the much more ridiculous task of becoming a better writer to begin with. Is this crazy?  Perhaps. But, I love learning, and, if I turn the task of improving my prose into a game of learning, I improve my chance at succeeding. Force-feeding myself the drudgery of the editing process is likely to kill my process outright.

Writing is a lot like choreographing. It is a creative practice that requires the creator to invest fully into the process. This requisite vulnerability is what makes editing one's own work so emotionally challenging and so seemingly impossible. It can feel like we are editing ourselves when we edit our writing. It's personal. The more passionately we feel about the topic, the more susceptible we are to a painful editing process.

We all need a safe space to practice. Cue trumpet fanfare. Welcome to blogging!

Those of you who read my blog know that I'm not a perfectionist when it comes to grammar (I have probably made a dozen mistakes so far in this very post! Learning is a process). I care more about the lesson, the content, the issue at hand. But, I have a lot to say, and I don't always have a lot of time to get it out. In this case, the issue is how I can become a better writer. So, I will try my hand now and again with various lessons I learn and maybe they will help you too. We can all use a brush up on our grammar, right?

Today's Lesson:
Taken from "How Not to Write: The Essential Misrules of Grammar" by William Safire.
"When a dependent clause precedes an independent clause put a comma after the dependent clause."

Let's try that again.

When a dependent clause precedes an independent clause, put a comma after the dependent clause.

Now that's better. My goal is to practice using the various subordinators to start my sentences and see if that yields a little more variety in my writing.  Wish me luck!

List of Common Subordinators:
after
although
as
as if
as long as
as soon as
because
even if
if
in case
since
so that
that
though
until
unless
whatever
when
whenever
where
wherever
whether
which
while
who/whom
why

How do we know we grow?

It was easy when all we had to do was stand with our backs against the kitchen wall where our mother or father would mark our height and date.  But, what happens after you max out?  In my case, at a hearty 5’11”!

Years blend into each other, and we often find ourselves time and time again in what seems like the same place or the same situation over and over again. How can we know we have changed? Grown? Learned?

Each year I attend the National Dance Educators Organization conference.  I have presented each year for the past 6 or so years—or more. I can’t really remember! But, what I do know is that each year I process through the conference ritual and each year I can see how I have changed and if I have changed over the past 12 months. 

The conference becomes a marker for me, an opportunity to notice what is different in me and in my approach to what I do and to those around me.  This year I find myself with a deep centeredness that I don’t recall in past years.  Often the conference is such a whirlwind. The preparation leaves us wind blown like leaves as we are swept into the official fours days of meetings, sessions, classes and panels.  Each day is packed full of events and there are always more people in attendance than one person could ever try to talk to.  This year over 700!

So, with such a large group in attendance and with countless opportunities for learning and conversing, it is tough to stay connected to oneself and avoid the hustle and bustle all around you.  So many wonderful dance education minds come together to share their stories during these grand conferences, yet we must trust that we will get what we need from this massive event. It will come to us just as we need it. In the package we need and at the time and place in which we are ready to receive it. My goal is to let the conference come to me as it may.  I want to soak in the experience without feeling flustered or overwhelmed as I have in the past. Most importantly I want to be fully present in the experiences and in the conversations. 

Personal growth means we get to revisit something familiar and do it “better.”  We get to be more mindful of our words and our actions, more compassionate for others and more patient with ourselves.  As we experience this we can feel ourselves growing, getting a little taller in spirit.

What annual rituals do you practice and how do you approach them each year?  Do you ever feel stuck in a rut or perhaps tired of running after new experiences?  How do you measure your growth? The holidays of course are right around the corner and they are always a chance for practicing balance. What are your plans for growth and change? How tall do you hope to grow this year?

Beth's Summer Reading Break Down

This summer I had a great time reading books-- and I thought it would be interesting to share. I hope you find the list useful! 

Some are fluff, some are transformative. All were rewarding in some way.  Taking the time to read the book was step one, but also going back to look over my notes/ my highlighted sections proved to be a meaningful step in processing some of the more informative selections. I generally read on a kindle because I want to keep the books for reference but don't have an inch of spare space in my little cottage to expand a hard copy library.  It works well for me. 

In a Dry Season (Inspector Banks Novel) by Peter Robinson
A good old fashioned murder mystery that takes place in England in a town where American soldiers had been stationed during World War II. I liked the depictions of that era in history and how they tied it into a murder mystery that was discovered decades later.  This was the perfect antidote to the heavy thinking I was doing in Labanotation Teaching Certification course.

Etched in Sand by Regina Calcaterra: This book broke my heart.  It is the true story of a family of neglected children as they vied to stay alive and out of the foster system.  Their mom would abandon them for weeks at a time and they had to learn to lie, steal and care for themselves.  I of course have heard stories of neglect and abuse, but this book put it all into perspective, teaching me about the broken government social system, the scars that are left behind these tragic situations and the resilience of the human spirit.

Abducted (a Lizzy Gardner series) by T.R. Ragan: Ok, I thought I was purchasing another book.  So, I got it wrong. Anyway, I did read it. Total fluff.  Not that well written, but, I still took the time to finish it, so it must have been giving me something (crude entertainment).  If you need mindless and still mildly interesting, it could be a possibility. 

The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitsgerald
I hadn't ever read it before! And, I wanted to read it before I saw the recent film.  Really a strange novella about pretty dysfunctional people.  I liked it.

Easily Amused by Karen McQuestion: Really quite terrible in my opinion. Super fluff. 

The Aesthetic Brain: How We evolved to Desire Beauty and Art by Anjan Charterjee
This was a rich and extremely informative book that is nevertheless easy to read and fun.  It traces how our brains respond to beautiful things and artful things.  My favorite lesson was in regards to our differentiated systems for liking something and wanting something (pleasure vs. desire).  In the art world we can really mix up these responses, and it can get muddy as to why we like what we do.  Do we like this jazz dance because we like the artful craft of the design or because we desire the young dancer? The book covers much more than this, and I am brimming with ideas about implications for dance as art and commodity. 

Sound of Waves by Yukio Mishima: this was a re-read. My college roommate had it and recommended it to me way back in the day. I did read it, but re-reading it proved to be like reading it for the first time.  It is beautiful. Simple. Elegant.  Romantic.  There is a purity to the descriptions as it depicts a fascinating island culture in Japan in the 1950's and the love between two young islanders. 

Autopilot: The Art and Science of Doing Nothing by Andrew Smart
I chose this book in part because of my sabbatical. How was I going to "do" or rather "not do" my year away from instruction? Autopilot builds a convincing argument for our need for downtime, relaxation, day dreaming and general unfocused time.  The science behind our need for rest is fascinating and the implications for our quality of life is fascinating. If you have ever felt guilty for taking naps, staring off into space or sitting in your garden for extended period of time, you need to read this book.

Currently reading: 
Seeds of Virtue, Seeds of Change edited by Eido Carney: (Anthology of lessons by 27 women in Zen Buddhism). Each chapter is a gift. So wonderful! And, my own Zen teacher Jane Schneider is one of the contributors!
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman: about the difference between our intuitive and automatic decision making process and our deliberate logical (effortful) decision making.  I'm just at the beginning of this one, but it is certainly promising. 
 
If you read a fantastic book this summer, please let me know in a comment below.  Reading is one of my top priorities while on sabbatical this year.


Note: I don't have cable or satellite. And, my internet connection is pretty slow living on the edge of town so Netflicks downloads are out of the question. My forms of entertainment are a bit limited in number.  But, I wouldn't have it any other way! My husband Dan and I decided to get rid of cable over 3 years ago so we would have more time to read, take walks and be generally more active. I highly recommend it for anyone who feels they don't have the time to read. 

Sabbatical - Day 1: Being Accountable to Self

I am a hard worker.  I always liked school. I enjoy investigating projects. I like finding solutions. I enjoy my work and I enjoy the people with whom I work. 

I am reliable. 

. . . to other people.

On day one of my sabbatical I actually set my alarm! Because I am using this year to learn how to be accountable to myself.  I have dreams and visions of how I want to lead my life, interact with others and change the world (one dance at a time).  I have always used my obligations to others as motivation for my work. And, this is not a bad thing. I have made great choices and accomplished a lot by living my life this way (See Blog post Healthy Obligations). 

What is new and wonderful (and scary) about this upcoming year is that I will have a chance to return to the childlike wonder I remember in my formative years.  I am a product of Montessori schooling (for my k-5 years).  I distinctly remember my classroom for grades 1-3 taught by Miss Susan Lindert.  I loved learning. I was allowed to love learning. I was given the space to discover, imagine, and play.  The Montessori classroom was based on the work cycle.  I had my own list of tasks each day-- reading, cursive/writing, math, geography.  I got to choose which to start with, and I was allowed to spent as much time on each of them as I needed, keeping in mind the goal of finishing all of the tasks.  I always finished my work cycle with tons of time left over.  And, it was at this point that I was set free to be anything, to learn anything, to play and discover. 

The Montessori classroom was covered in materials for discovery.  Displays on Egypt, waterways, farm animals, musical bells, books, and books, and books, plants, languages, etc.  And, I could do anything I wanted.  I often got sucked into my Laura Ingalls Wilder books or would dream stories in my notebook.

I remember wandering around the room and just looking at the possibilities. 

Looking back I see that the most important lesson was not the content I learned, but the sensation of free-form learning that I remember. I had hours each week in which I was only accountable to myself, my interests, my passions, my drives.   

I was never burdened with a feeling of "I have to. . . "

Waking up this morning, I felt transported to Miss Lindert's classroom again.  Excited to learn, to do the work, to discover.  These drives are part of my nature.  They are real, and they are wonderful. I don't need to worry about being accountable to myself.  I can trust my internal passion for discovery to move me forward.

Interested in reading additional posts related to this topic? Click below.

The Burden of Expectation (First day of Summer before my year long Sabbatical)
The Power to Choose
Time: Your Most Valuable Currency
Agency: Remembering You Have It 
Finding Success
Giving Yourself Permission
On Being a Better Over-Achiever

Notating my way through self trust

Hello from Ohio State University!

I have been here 3 days and my brain is officially fried.  Excited, inspired, curious and fried.

I am here for two weeks taking a Labanotation teaching certification course in which we will learn not only to teach dance notation theory, but practice integrating it into our various classrooms.  It is the perfect launching point for my sabbatical starting in fall. 

But, I am not here to write about my adventures in notation but about what it means to be ourselves and to trust ourselves in a learning process.  We hit the ground running. . . on day 2 we were asked to teach a 30 min sample Labanotation lesson!  Yikes! I ended up with circular pathways which is a huge concept that requires a lot of spatial and kinesthetic intelligence to get through the theory.  I taught my class-- and I pretty much bombed it.  It was good for me.

Ok. So, I didn't fall apart completely, but according to my standards of pedagogical perfection-- I was close. 

I have been pretty successful in my life and confronting moments in which I am only partially successful is something I am actively working on.  There is a great theory by Carol Dweck called the Mindset theory.  Her book on the subject basically explains the difference between people who believe they are born with or without talent/skill and those who believe it is something learned. 

While I believe that people can learn (I intellectually know that I am a person), I am still stuck with a heart-centered belief that if I don't do something right the first time, I am simply not good enough.  So, I am actively working on this issue.

Before I even went into the class I told myself, just do what you do and see what happens.  Yet, I got the dry erase marker in my hand, my computer hooked up and BAM! Total self trust panic!  While my head knew this was a learning experience, my heart wanted to be perfect.  More specifically-- I wanted these people to like me! My heart wanted validation that I have self worth through the opinion of the people in front of me. 

Now, if there are people whose opinion would matter,  these instructors are the ones.  These women are kind, compassionate and fiercely intelligent.  These are great individuals in the field of dance notation and in life.  So, I'm not crazy for wanting their approval and wanting their praise.  My feedback sheets from them directly reflected my subjective experience of mediocrity (not terrible, but with lots of room for improvement).  And, it was at that point that I crumbled emotionally.  *sigh*

I had tried so hard to trust myself in the process, independent of others (and their perceived expectations), but I had fallen into the pit again.  I panicked, and in the attempt to prove myself, compromised some of the skills I know I have.  I was trying to please and that was my downfall.

So, when it was all over, I was spent.  Spent from the effort of trying to change. Spent from the experience of panic. Spent from the emotional let down.

But, I recovered. And, that is the real lesson.  Beyond my circular pathways.  I am learning how to become a learner who trusts in the process of learning, who doesn't need to be perfect the first time and will not be crushed when confronting a learning curve.

And, next time my recovery time will be shorter. Then shorter again.  Then one day perhaps I won't fall into that trap at all.  Perhaps I will reach a place in which I can experience the learning process without a stitch of desire for unreasonable-immediate-perfection.  Learning is tough.  

But, if I can learn to treat myself with compassion with learning-- then I truly will be able to learn anything. 

How do you confront your learning?  What challenges have you faced in your learning?  When do you expect yourself to "get it right"? The first time? After three times?  What are your learning right now and how can you be more compassionate with yourself in the process?

The Power to Choose

I was recently reminded of the fallacy of the statement "I didn't have time."  In fact, every time we hear ourselves of other say "Sorry, I didn't have time" we can reflect that what we really mean to say is that "I didn't prioritize it."  This of course is a less gracious and socially acceptable response, but it is closer to the truth.  We all have the same amount of time in the day, and what we decide to do is ultimately our choice. 

Of course, we have "obligations" but every obligation is a choice as well.  In an extreme example we might say "I can't abandon my child!" Well, you could.  And, people have.  But, you choose not to.  Which means that ultimately that child is a priority in your life. And, a beautiful priority at that. 

Likewise, "Well, I have to work."  There are those in our society that have chosen not to work regularly and live a non-coventional life as a result.  These are all possibilities for how we can lead our lives.  If they are undesirable, then we get to own up to it and accept that we choose what we do in out lives.  We are not as victimized as we may feel at times. 

I reminded my students this week that this power of choice is with them all the time.  I reminded that they could stand up and leave the classroom at any moment. Nothing was chaining them there.  They are free individuals.  They are not a victim of taking an 8am class. It was their choice.  And, by owning that choice and the decision behind it reminds us why we made the choice in the first place. 

We prioritize our lives according the people, things, and ideals we value.  My CFR practitioner says "The life you have is the life you want."  Meaning that all of our choices have lead to this point and the values we hold.  This doesn't mean you can simply choose a life without hardships. Sometimes the choices we are make are between the lesser of two challenges.  But, the fact we even get to make that choice is a huge positive.  Rather than get overwhelmed by the big picture, I think about the little daily things that shape my existence.

For instance: Yesterday was a long day for me. A non-stop schedule from 8am to 10pm.  It was a full day it was a tiring day, but it was a valuable day and worth the energy I chose to expend.  I chose to have a full day that day knowing that today I have sometime to rest and recuperate. I chose to drink an afternoon coffee knowing that my priority on this particular day was getting through all of the events as alert as possible.  Today, I won't have an extra coffee, because today I chose to rest and allow my body to process yesterday's choices. 

Perhaps the hardest part of making choices is owning our value set.  When I choose to watch television over doing homework, I can feel embarrassed or ashamed of my choice.  This is because I tend to over-value what people think about me, and I tend to under-value my need for rest.  On the other hand, I can turn myself around and ask. What do I really want to do?  Do I want to rest and veg out? Or do I want to do my homework and feel more prepared and confident going into my tomorrow? Sometimes the tv wins out, but when I stop and ask myself this question it can also motivate me to turn off the tv and open up my work. 

It feels good to do what we want to do. And, we feel it acutely when we resent having to do something we don't want to do.  But, when we remember that we really don't have to do any of it. It can shape our perspective and our approach.  I can wear dirty clothes for a week if I really didn't want to do laundry.  But, I prefer to wear clean clothes.  So, the laundry then becomes a treat. I GET to wear clean clothes!  I get to be prepared for my day tomorrow! I get to make the choices that best serve me today! 

The concept of course is so simple.  But, for me to consistently practice my power to choose has been huge in increasing my quality of life. Life feels more like a treat than a punishment.  

And, all I have to do is own the choice in this moment.  

Right where I am. Own it.

Are you owning your power to choose? Where in your life do you feel obligated? When might you feel resentful? What choices brought you right here to this moment?  Are they serving you? 

Beth

Pep Talk for the Teachers

Welcome to the crunch time.  

If you are like me, you too might be wondering: How am I going to finish this semester?   

This happens to me most every semester. I start off strong, hopeful, excited (possibly deluded), and about 5 weeks from the end, I start to wonder what have I done? I am tired, overwhelmed and worried that time is running out.  Plus, my students are tired, overwhelmed and worried that time is running out.  A clear recipe for disaster.

I started explaining to my students the nature of an instructor's thinking process.

Optimistic Teacher experience:

 

Weeks 1-4  The teacher is filled with hope. She feels patient when students stumble because it is the beginning of the semester and they are "still learning the ropes," and everyone needs a break now and again when they are learning.

Week 5-9 The teacher is in the meat of the content, tons of information is coming out and the students are still grasping at straws trying to figure out what is expected of them.  Patience it still present because the students still have a chance to catch up!

Week 10-13 The teacher is feeling the pressure. The students need to learn this! Time is running out!  Patience is running thin.  The students should know better at this point.  

Week 14-18 The teacher is disappointed.  The students are making the same mistakes and the teacher’s patience has run out. Have they learned anything?  There is no more time to save this ship. Despondency hits.

Combine that with the Struggling Student experience:

Week 1-4 The student is filled with hope, ready for a fresh start.  The teacher is so nice and so patient.  I can do this!

Week 5-9  The student is settling in, but this is way more work than expected. But, it's still the beginning of the semester! What?!?  Time for midterms?!? We just started school! I haven’t studied. But, it is ok, I can make it up.

Week 10-13 The student is tired. The student has a hard time focusing because they caught a cold, and they have so much to do, they don’t know where to start.  Mountains of homework have piled up and the teacher is so demanding! She has no patience anymore! I am stuck!

Week 14-18 The student notices just how far behind they have gotten.  This is serious! They go to the teacher in hopes of figuring out how to put a semester’s worth of learning into 4 weeks.  She explains that is not how it works, and: no, she will not give you the notes from the lectures.  Student: I am screwed. The world is against me.

Somehow, I think I can change the nature of the student/teacher experience. But, I am realizing that maybe that is simply the inherent nature of the student teacher experience. 

 

But, the reality is that for every difficult student there are actually 10 lovely students who have learned so much!  Just this week I received this note from a Modern I student’s journal entry:

“Taking a dance class has completely changed my views on the activity of dancing, as a whole. "

However, we as humans are biologically build to remember and focus on the challenges. It is part of our survival biology. So, it is easy to forget the success of the many, when faced with the struggle of a few.  It is particularly hard for me to accept that students have the right to fail. I want them to succeed so badly that I forget that I actually have NO control over their choice making.  Those who want to learn will, and those who haven’t put in the effort will not.  No amount of convincing will change it.

And, remember that we are doing something right. We do care. We have given them tools.  We have shared information.  And, some have learned lessons that have nothing to do with the content, but have everything to do with their future lives. 

To all teachers: This is YOUR pep talk.  We give pep talks all the time, but around this time, it is we who need a little uplift to keep us in good spirits. 

Learning takes time. And, a semester will never be enough time to learn it all.  And, that is ok.  Students will struggle because humans will struggle. My Zen teacher reminded me today that “We are all ordinary.”  No one is better or worse. No one is closer to enlightenment than another.  We are all simply ordinary.  We learn the lessons as they come to us and as we need to learn them. Students and teachers: we are all learning life. 

As instructors we get to be reminded of this every semester. 

Learn and let learn.

Beth

Agency: Remembering You Have It

I have recently become enthralled with the word of agency. And, I am not just talking about an office full of paperwork where you sign on the line. Agency is also a term that encompasses our power to choose and act. 

Lesser used definitions of agency read as follows:
(from the online Miriam Webster dictionary) 

the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power 

and 

a person or thing through which power is exerted or an end is achieved

Ultimately agency is about our personal power. Agency is how we exert ourselves in the world, making choices about how, what, where, and when we do what we do.  We each have agency over our lives. I describe it to my students to remind them of the fact that they can walk out of the dance classroom at anytime.  No one is holding a gun to their head.  It is there choice to be in the room.  It is their choice to learn.  It is their choice grow and improve. And, it is their sense of personal agency that gives them the power to make these and other important choices.

Feeling like a victim is completely un-fun.  When I find myself feeling pressed for time, or frustrated with my work load, or just plain exhausted, I remind myself of my agency. I remind myself that I have the power to make my own decisions, and I am not a victim.  What this does is shift my thinking away from the heaviness of the moment and put me in a place of power.  I get to choose whether I want to do my work or not. I get to choose if I want to nap or not. I get to choose whether I write this blog or not.  These are all my choices.  

But, agency is coupled with the fact that there are real consequences to all that we do.  In order to not be a victim, we must be able to process the fact that certain behaviors come at a cost (and some with a very high price tag).  For instance, it is my choice whether to skip out on a meeting or a rehearsal, but that choice may mean losing out on the big picture. It may mean losing a friend, losing a part or loosing a job.  

But, in knowing that it is my choice, I get to ask myself "is it worth it?'  

This is the key to finding your own sense of autonomy and self worth.  Being a victim is essentially a cop out to owning our power and putting ourselves first in a giving situation.  When we complain as victims we have given up our agency.  Unless you literally have a gun to your head (or other life threatening situation), you have the choice.  

I have had a gun pointed at me. I was mugged when I was 21 in Solana Beach outside a club at 2am. In that moment, I had little agency.  I was a victim and as a result got my purse stolen but stayed alive.  That was a real-victim situation.  But, the rest of my life when I have felt like a victim, I have actually just made myself a victim. I chose the self definition of victim so I wouldn't have to own my personal power, so I didn't have to own the possibility of making a mistake or otherwise upsetting those around me (disappointed teacher, angry boyfriend, critical boss).  

Believing in your own autonomy and exercising your personal agency is tough!

It means that you have to love and respect yourself enough to make a decision.  But, when you make a decision that is rooted in your own self trust and self love, it feels good. It feels right.  It lets you go to sleep at night with a sense of ease.  There is comfort in knowing that you have a choice.  And, when I realize I have a choice I am reminded of what is really important.  Yes, I may feel stressed from a day at work, but I love teaching, and I choose to be there.  Even on the toughest day, I choose to be there.  When I feel tired and like I don't want to exercise, I am reminded that I exercise to feel better.  Or, when I am tired and just want to sleep, I can choose to do exactly that.  

Right and wrong is irrelevant. Honoring of yourself and acting in congruence with your values and life purpose is what matters.  

Knowing you have the choice makes the choice a lot easier.  

Beth

My Life is Over.

I am now dead.

At least according to my Year to Live practice.  I started this reflective and meditative practice a year ago with my spirituality group.  I am the youngest of the group, and there was a moment in which I wondered: Am I doing this prematurely? But, that was just fear rearing its ugly head. I quickly began to feel deep down in my core what I always knew in my head: There is no guarantee on time.  And, all we have is today. Right here, right now.  To underscore the end of my Year to Live practice, I just learned of a 23 year old friend who passed away last week.  This seems to offer me my final lesson, this is my final wake up call to pay attention to my life with unwavering conviction.

The Year to Live practice is based on Steven Levine's book with the same title.  We started with a contemplation of our life's value, moved into a study of death and the death experience, and finally ended with the practice of letting go and transitioning.  As choreographer Doris Humphrey put it: Movement is the "arc between two deaths." And, this year of practice has now come to its end, to its own death although we are still alive. Our group will be hosting a FUN-eral in a few weeks to celebrate our lives.  But, the lessons we learned along the way we will carry with us. 

How has it changed me? First, I wear my clothes.  See my former blog on my strange need to "save" things for when they were deserved.  It seems like a silly thing to note, but this practice of wearing and enjoying what I already have in my possession was a huge learning curve for me. It was a metaphor for giving myself permission to enjoy all aspects of my life TODAY!

Secondly, I learned what it really meant to put myself first.  This came in the form of healing my back, or more accurately starting down the path to long term physical health and mental well being from which I am pleased to have already noticed meaningful results. The road out of physical pain was rocky and frustrating, but for the first time I am actually feeling optimistic about my back and my future in movement. 

I could go on to list other things, but that will just sound and feel like bragging which is not the point at all!  In fact, the real lesson wasn't in achievement. I was in the opposite of an achievement. It came in the acceptance of things as they are and in accepting myself as I am.  There is still a boatload of work to be done in this area, but I see the value in the work.  I see now how cultivating a stable sense of self worth changes how I experience everything in life.  

Self love always seems like a farce to me. I didn't think it really existed. Or rather that I shouldn't buy into it because i either didn't deserve it or that it would lead to failure.  I thought it was best to go through life by self deprecating oneself and motivating oneself with shame, hatred and fear.  I mean it worked for a while! Ha! And, sometimes I still catch myself leading this life. But, after a Year to Live and all of the work I have done to more closely understand my significance, my inherent value and my legacy, I have become clearer in all of my daily interactions (both with others and myself). 

What am I really here to do? How do I really want to be? 

We finished the year by writing a personal mission statement.  I extended that to include a personal set of values by which I want to live my life. 

Mission Statement: I vow to support the personal and spiritual growth of all beings by being honest and authentic in all that I do as a leader, teacher, partner, dancer and artist.  I promise to practice and teach a life of awareness and wisdom, through movement, expression, and human connection.

Values:  

• Respect
• Relationships
• Support and Service
• Artistic Process
• Play and Curiosity
• Non-Judgement
• Holistic Balance

There is a sweetness in life and when you are ripping off the pages of YtoL calendar and getting closer to zero each and everyday, you can find the true sweetness real fast. There is no time for self delusion.  Honesty is like a bullet train headed straight into the meaning of life.  

For me, I realized with even greater certainty that dance is not the end goal. It is a mere a vehicle for me.  It is a tool to use for greater self awareness and growth.  There is a richness in movement that connects me into the present moment, the lasting questions and the ever present divine.  My real goal in life is to share the process of discovery, self acceptance, personal growth and authenticity with others. Dance just helps me do that.

I would recommend that anyone willing to enter into a YtoL practice do so.  But, I recommend you do it in a group with people who are going to hold you to it, because the cycle of frustration, uncertainty, hope, fear, anger and acceptance is a wild one and having a great sangha (community) by your side is essential.

There is work yet to be done.  Maybe I will do this again in 10 years or 20 or 40.  But, for now, I will take to heart the lessons I learned and do my best to stay true to my experience of life and love.

Want to read more of my Year to Live related blogs?
Follow through this sequence below.

• A Year to Live - 323 Days Left
• A Year to Live: Stones for Change
• Denying the Life That Is - 287 Days Left
• Are You Vain?
• Last Birthday in My Year to Live
• Boom. . . Flat on my Back
• Finding Success 
• 94 Days to Live!
• Save the Blue Sweater! 
• Notes from Puebla 
• What do the numbers 101, 35 and 10,339 have in common?

 

Teaching: by Beth Megill

I often find myself wanting to be everything to everyone as a dance teacher.  But, of course, not only is that impossible, but it is also exhausting.

As a teacher I am continually changing and updating my techniques, approaches, methods, tools and ideas.  I continue to search for the right balance between tuning into student needs/wants and creating innovative experiences for those students to be challenged. 

I mistakenly believe that I can be/want to be/should be the best teacher in the entire world!  And, if I am not, then I have failed! Ha!  That is just crazy talk.  But, deep down that is the belief under which I am operating.

I know it is crazy. But, emotional belief sets don't see the line between realistic and crazy. So, I get worried. One minute I worry that I am not enough of a physical challenge, and the next I worry that my material is totally inaccessible and too hard.  I worry that I am too boring, then I worry that I am not taking enough time to slow down and go deep. I worry that other teachers push harder, then I worry that I am pushing them too hard and risking injury.  I am a mess.

It's no wonder I often leave the dance classroom feeling like I have in someway fallen short of expectation.  I have set up demands and conditions for myself that are outright contradictory and therefore impossible. 

I can't be everything.

And I hate to break it to you... But, you can't be everything either. 

We are just as we are.  And, I am ready to let that be ok. 

So what type of a teacher am I? 

Curious:  I love curiosity. I am continually curious about the way the body moves, the way we think, the way we feel, and how/why we create art.  I don't have all the answers, and I am suspicious of people who think they do have all the answers.  I appreciate students who are willing to be curious with me.

Concerned:  I am very concerned for the physical and psychological health of my students. I have suffered so many injuries of the years, that I can't/won't push people.  If people want a drill sargeant, I am NOT the teacher for you.  I would rather you think, then try, then rest, then re-think, and try again.  Fatigue is a real hazzard for dancers, and I just am not willing to risk it. 

Playful:  I like to have fun. I have serious moments, but my love of dance really comes out when I am joyful in movement. I like to smile and be silly in most circumstances.  What I notice is that this takes me out of "work" mode and into play mode.  So, class starts to feel less like a "technique" class and more like a celebration. 

Varied:  You really never know what you will get with me. One day we might meditate, the next day we might make dances, the next we might work on alignment, the next work on fuettes.  I worry that I am somehow NOT consistent enough, but I am learning to just accept that this is what I love about dance, that there are so many facets to the surface of the diamond of dance.

Guiding:  I consider myself a guiding teacher rather than a driving teacher.  This is tough, because it requires that the students drive their learning.  I realize that this is hard for many students, and can be exhausting. Sometimes, we just want to be told what to do.  I have also felt that way as a student! But, it is not in my nature to tell you what to do.  I will ask you to try it, then you get to decide. 

Nerdy:  I am a total nerd.  I know many dancers who love dance because it allows their kinesthetic brain to take over for 2 hours.  I don't exactly work that way.  I am interested in cultivating thinking dancers. Dancers who listen to their bodies, make connections between their inner world and the outer world.  I get jazzed about dance theory.  It opens up a horizon filled with movement opportunities.  I believe in dance as a creative and intellectual process as much as a kinesthetic adventure. 

Interested in Personal Growth:  Sometimes I wonder whether it is dance that I love teaching or whether it is quality of life.  The truth is one feeds the other.  Dance is a vehicle for life-learning about who we are, how we operate in the world and how we express ourselves (to others and to ourselves).  Dance is a vulnerable activity in which we are completely exposed in our strengths and weaknesses (physical and mental).  It incorporates so many of the senses and forms of intelligence, it is the perfect tool for self reflection on all fronts.  I don't really care how high you kick your leg or how many turns you can do.  I might be able help you do both better, but that is just mechanics. 

A good friend and fellow dance instructor said to me the other day "I am more of a trainer and you are more of an educator."  I have been thinking a lot about that statement.  I understand what he meant, but it forced me to ask myself, what type of teacher am I and what type of teacher do I want to be? What am I teaching through dance? And, which elements might I be missing in my current classes? 

I find my friends word choice so interesting. . . He is right in that, I don't use the word trainer for what I do -- in fact I don't think I ever have ever used train for the learning process in dance.  I have never asked a someone to come "train with me."  Or, say "Yes, that dancer trained under me."  Interesting.  I am just now thinking about this for the first time.  I might say that student "studied with me."  Maybe.  But mostly I say I have "worked with a student"  Worked WITH, because I ask the students to work 100% of the time; they do the work, with me, side by side.  They make the discoveries; they make the connections; they ask the questions of themselves and others. 

I have found that I learn things when I need to learn them. . . not before.  So, I trust that the students will ask the questions when they are ready for the answers. And, to take it one step further, I believe they need to find the answers for themselves 90% or the time!

I am not sure, if this is the best approach. I am not sure what this means in terms of changing student's lives and their dance world.  I am not sure of many things at the moment. But, I do know that I have to stop trying to be everything to every student who walks in the door.  It just doesn't work that way.  I have to trust myself, teaching what feels right. And, I need to trust that those students who want to learn what I have to offer will be there, and that I can walk with them on their journey of learning and learn even more about dance and myself along the way. 

Beth

The UpsandDowns of Performing/Producing

How do you prep for the post show let down? 

Note: When I bring up the idea of performance, I bring it up not just for fine art performers, but for all people in all "life-performance" situations. 

(Written 5/25/13)
It's 1am on the night after the MeCo (Megill & Company) performance, and I am wondering with all theadrenalinestillgoingthroughmybody how do I not crash from post show let down.

Deep down I know:  The answer lies with not getting so far up that you have to crash and burn afterward.

But, when it is rally time, you rally. Right? When it is go time, you go. Right? At least that is what I try to do, mean to do, hope to do. Sometimes the natural stressors in life combined with our chosen stressors lead us to these moments of crisis. But, then what? We survive them to what end?

I don't know how I will feel tomorrow, or the next day or the next. My brain chemistry is already wobbly, so something like this can really send me into a tailspin. But this is the first year, the first show, the first time in my life really that during my adrenaline high, I am considering the next step, considering the after effect, considering what I can do to not crash, to not have post show depression.

The good news is the show was a success; the audience loved it; the guest artist were fantastic; the raffle prizes were a hit. I personally had a great time today. And, I mean the whole day, even leading up to the show. I was funny, fun and generally relaxed. Meaning, I didn't stress up or break down. I tried to delegate where I could and help as I was needed, not fretting about the things that couldn't be helped. I was trying to stay as mellow as possible.

So, just having a better more balanced day is a good start to avoiding the emotional rollercoaster of performance. Great start really. The performance was fantastic. How was my performance? It was about 85% as I hoped it would be.  Overall, I had a great time on stage.

I did my best. I had many successes. As a performer I succeeded in dancing (after my recent history of injuries, this was big). A year ago I left the stage with a pretty tight and unforgiving back. Progress can only be made so quickly. I am making big strides. I shared my message and got the word out. In all of these aspects I have mission accomplished.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

(Written 5/31/13)

I wrote the last bit in bed the night of the performance (I edited, but the sentiments are the same).  I couldn't sleep because I couldn't quite calm my nervous system down. 

Now, a week later, I am sitting on my porch at Brandeis after a week of the rollercoaster I was trying so hard to avoid.  The day ofter the show, I was exhausted and spend the day doing CFR (brain based movement therapy). The next day I was back in the studio rehearsing then crafting to keep my mind busy. The day after that was when I hit bottom.  A foul mood.  Tired, agitated, ugly. Nothing to "do" and feeling gross.  It took me hitting this bottom for me to mellow out and find balance again.  I wish it wasn't like that, because in the end I love putting on performances, I love performing and I love producing dance.  So, how am I going to change?

The flow of life is such that we have peaks and troughs in energy.  And, navigating them is no easy task.  When we first take on a huge task, we are often incredibly unskillful in most aspects, and we discover that it is hard and painful and usually ends in either tears or a some other breakdown. At least, that is how I experienced it.

Then we try again.  And again. And, in my case we try every year.  But, the learning can only happen once a year so the learning is slow going.  Yes, I crashed again this time, but not quite as hard and not quite so cathartic.

The learning I will take away is:

1. Detach, detach detach: It is so hard not to identify with the popular or financial success of the show.  Keep the art about the message and let go of all responses, good or bad.  Detach from the need to be a success.

2.  Keep what I already learned: I prepared much better than I have in the past and it made me feel more at ease with the process. I had more reasonable expectations that were more easily met.

3.  Be selfish much earlier:  This goes for my personal performance.  If I am going to dance, then I need to force myself to practice more for myself. This will be the hardest lesson to implement next time because that means I need to leave enough time and energy to actually do the work long before the performance date. Then at least I can feel good about the dancing. 

4.  Meditate everyday the week of the show!  Meditate everyday period!  My mind and nervous system had run of my body that whole week, and the only thing I could do was succumb to their agendas. I was usurped by my mind.  Not a surprise. 

I don't know if this post is very good, It seems kind of boring as I am writing it, but perhaps that is because this isn't an exciting "ah ha! lesson."  It is the work.  It is the work that needs to be done in order to navigate life with greater awareness and skill.  The work is not always bright and shiny and pretty. More often than not it is just how it is here: simple, dry, and obvious.  But, that makes the work no less challenging, no less potent and no less important. 

Finding Success

I have been studying dance since I was 3, I have been teaching dance since I was 14 and have been making my living as a full time college dance instructor for 9 years. By most people's definition I am successful within my career.  Then why do I feel this constant need to "prove myself"?

I am still relatively young in my career.  Of course as a dancer I am by definition "old."  At 33, my future resume does not likely include "commercial dancer."  I never even wanted that route. I was all about education, choreography and dance studies all along.  Perhaps you also had a clear path to your current career-profession.  Or, perhaps you meandered and changed a lot...

The point is. . or rather the question is: when do you stop and realize that you have arrived and you don't have to keep proving yourself to the world?  When do you look down and realize that the grass is green right where you are, and the neighbor's lawn may be beautiful but that doesn't mean you should want it or have it?

As young (dance) professionals, we are trained to achieve, to grow our presence in the world and keep "climbing the ladder" so to speak.  We want our students to be higher achieving, our companies to be more widely recognized, ourselves to be in demand as choreographers and instructors.  We want the fame, the glory, the recognition that we have made it!

Except it isn't about what we are doing or what we achieve at all.  Life is about recognizing where we are, following our life's "purpose" and accepting that we are enough just as we are.  I have been a sort of "natural" leader my whole life (I think in part because I am tall and use a lot of expressive gestures).  But, leadership is not the only success to be found in the world, and just because I have been in leadership roles doesn't meant it is the only way for me "succeed."  

And, I am starting to see more clearly how I don't need to compete for a leadership position. I am already in one. In many!  I may not be world recognized, but does that really matter?  At what point will I say I have achieved success.  When I achieve world domination?  Yes! 

No! Obviously not. World domination isn't my goal.  So, what is?  To lead on a school level, on a city level, on a state level, on a national level, on an international level, on a galactic level?!? This is crazy! I am crazy!!  There will always be someone more well known, with more twitter followers and more blog readers.  I am realizing that I have been mislead by my own misunderstanding of success and leadership. 

The good news is that I am connecting the dots; they seem obvious as I write them, but to really believe them on a heart and even cellular level is tougher than it seems.  I am realizing that I am already doing the work. I am already shaping the world around me. But the coolest part is, I am shaping it not only as a "leader/teacher/choreographer/director" but as a supporter!

I am finding wonderful reward in supporting those around me who are doing amazing and wonderful things. I see more clearly than ever that this is a world of abundance and part of my role is to support those around me who are doing the work I believe in.  Being a busy leader is a lonely place, and I want balance and community.  No more competition "to the top" (whatever that is supposed to mean!)

There is no top! There are only those whom we encounter each and everyday.  And, giving more to them and supporting them is making my green lawn a wonderful place for everyone to play!

How do you support people you believe in?  Are you a "leader"? And, what does that mean to you? Are you a supporter?  Which gives you more satisfaction?

Fighting Dance Discrimination with Dance Literacy

If you are a dancer, you know what is feels like to be a part of the "forgotten art form."

Granted, it is tough being an artist of any sort, but within the family of performing arts, dance has notoriously been at the end of the line.  Dance only recently graduated from PE (where is still lives for some dance departments) within the last 50 years.  Yes, we are more than exercise.  Gasp!

I teach within the California Community College system and am very, very proud to be a faculty member at Moorpark College.  I love teaching. I love it so much it hurts sometimes.  (Yes, teaching has made me cry-- more than once!)

And, it particularly hurts in times of budget cuts and "restructuring." 

Currently, community dance departments are under the gun to rewrite their curriculum in order to essentially "save" their departments.  This comes in the demand for leveled courses within each genre, with different learning objective and different content for each.

Hmmmmm.  A good challenge for this recently born area of academic study.  Because, of course the arts are ultimately immeasurable.  At least, not in the same way that you can assess a student's ability to add 2 + 2 (hint: it's 4).  In dance 2 + 2 might equal 5 or 6 or 0, depending on the aesthetic and artistic goal of the creator.  Soooo. . .

Tonight I sat down at my computer to decipher for the "non dancer" how I can determine whether a dancer is Level I, II, III or IV.  And, here is the hitch: It is not just mechanics.  It is not as simple as someone performing a single, double then triple pirouette.  Every dancer knows this, as does every audience member at a performance.  But, where is the language to effectively describe the difference?

I believe this lack of language, this lack of literacy within (and without) the field is what is ultimately holding dance back as celebrated field of academic study.  So, what am I going to do about it?

Well, shucks. I'm am going to find the words.  Then I'm going to use them, and then I am going to teach them.  I will teach them so often that they become household phrases!  I will teach them until they are used on billboards, in puns and as Facebook status updates!  Yes, the dance language will prevail!

But, back to the issue at hand. . . These d@mn course outlines of record. 

I sat down, I got quiet, and then I got honest and this is what I came up with.

Level I performance is about gross motor skills. Can you be on the correct foot at the correct time in the correct space?  If you can, then you are a level I dancer.

Level II performance is about coordination and increased complexity, strength, control and endurance.  Can you be on the correct foot at the correct time in the correct place EVEN when it gets tricky AND when it lasts for longer than 2 minutes?

Level III performance is about adding depth to your performance.  Can you do all the stuff you did before AND even more complex patterns WHILE modulating your dynamic energy so there is "texture" and "character" in your performance? Haha! That's the rub. 

Level IV performance is about doing ALL of the above AND helping others out in the meantime.  Can you do all that you need to do AND see the big picture? Take it for the team?  Make the whole better even if it means you may not get to be the star?  Can you do all of this, while still cultivating variety and subtlety in your performance?  And most importantly can you do this without acting like a jerk?

Of course, I couldn't put that last part about being a jerk on the formal state document (but I wanted to!). So there you have it. If you were to take dance performance 4 times from me, THAT is what I would want to see in you.  Of course. . . now I need to get the rest of the state on my band wagon.

Wish me luck!

(P.S. I realize that this post does nothing to address the fact that students learn dance and it various aspects (physical, emotional, energetic, character) at different paces-- but since the state budget doesn't care about that, I have decided to leave that topic for another time.)

Giving Yourself Permission

Yes, my title says "dance instructor" but studying the arts is so much more than than.  For me the dance classroom is a place students can discover life. 

I've been on a bit of a tear recently: seeing the varied injustices in the dance world, the bad habits, the unhealthy behaviors and negative self images. But, rather than get angry, I have decided to combat it one class at a time.  I can't let it get me down, because these struggles are at the heart life learning.  The arts really are our forum for self discovery. 

How we are (exist, behave, think, work, play)  in the dance classroom is reflective of how we are in the rest of our lives. If you are hard on yourself in dance class, you are likely hard on yourself in all other aspects of your "life performance."  If you use dance as an "escape," what are you trying to escape?  If you stop yourself from trying for fear of failure, how does that exist in your home life, school life, relationships? 

I had a student if my office who was suffering from lack of confidence and had started berating himself continually in class.  He identified frustration with executing a tricky turn (appropriately called a lame duck-- oh the irony). 

And I asked him the following series of questions:

What if you gave yourself permission to struggle with that turn? 
What would that feel like? 
What would that look like?  
What is the worst that would happen?

How can you give yourself permission to go at your own pace, to honor your personal growth and your personal needs?

Big questions, and of course much deeper than actually performing this stinky little turn!  Dance is not about the turn, dance is about your approach to life.  Can we choose to cultivate healthy behaviors and thoughts in the dance class. Can we give ourselves compassion rather than self inflicted pain?  Can we let go of the outcome and enjoy the process?

Of course, it will take practice. And, it should. We need to practice healthier thoughts, healthier views on learning.  Can we confront challenges with self compassion?  A generous spirit and love?

So, that is my motto for the weekend. As I prepare to enter the world that is the Rogue Festival in Fresno, I ask myself how can I let others know that they have permission? Permission to make healthy choices that will foster their growth and allows them to blossom. 

Of course, the answer is simple I have to start with giving myself permission.  So I declare today, that I give myself permission to let go of control.  I grant myself freedom from expectations. I give myself permission to simply go along with the ride, to speak and dance only from the heart and to see what happens. 

I see you.

I made an unexpected and somewhat impulsive decision today. 

I decided on a whim to call my students.  Specifically those students in my online Dance Appreciation class who have not signed into the course for over 1 or 2 weeks. 

There were 7 students total (out of 47).  Not a terrible number. 

1 had a disconnected/wrong number
1 rang but didn't go to voicemail
2 received friendly messages from me
and 3 picked up.

I don't know what I expected, but it seems that those 3 people with whom I connected were totally shocked that I cared enough to call.  I realize now that they expected to be invisible. That they expected to be insignificant to me. One even said she was flattered that I took the time to call which she agreed was totally unconventional. 

Each expressed gratitude. Each asked if they could still finish the class.  Each needed the encouragement. And, each needed to be seen.

Well, I see you.

I see you.  I care.  And, I want you to be successful. 

I see you, and you are not insignificant. You are not invisible.  You matter.  Your presence is noticed, and it matters. 

I realize now just how important it is to let the people in our lives know this.  To remind them that their presence is important.  To see them. And, let them know you are there for them. 

I am glad I took the unconventional route. People so often don't need a stick but a carrot to motivate them. 

And, I prefer carrots too.

A Year to Live - 323 Days Left

Don't worry! I am not ill, and I hopefully have many, many more years to live.

But, what if I didn't?  What if this was my last November, my last Channukah, Christmas, New Years, Birthday. . . ?  I have started a practice with my spirituality group called "A Year To Live" inspired by Stephen Levine's book with the same name.  Of course we are doing it our Buddhist inspired way, but the essential questions remain the same. 

How can I live my life to the fullest? . . . What does that even mean? 

I started my year to live on Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, and I am now down to 323 days left.  It's been a while since I have posted to this blog because this first month has been a doosey as I have reorganized my thinking, my approach to life and in some ways the contents of my life. 

I started by calculating the total hours it would take for me to do everything I want to do in a week.  I turns out I would need some 121 hours a week (and that was without allotting time for meals or family).  Alas, I am only awake approximately 105 hours a week. So, therein was the first problem I identified in my quality of life. I wanted to do too many things and in result everything suffered and most of all I suffered.  I was losing integrity.  And, fast. 

So I made the difficult cuts to things I enjoyed in my life but just didn't have time for.  Sadly, my yoga membership and my participation in the Razor Babes was among them.  But, I simply couldn't live the rest of my "year to live" feeling overwhelmed and generally disappointed in myself for not being able to accomplish everything I wanted to in a week. I was doomed to failure, by the mere math of there not being enough waking hours! 

But, simplifying was just the first step.  The "year to live" perspective has permeated most of my daily decisions.  Now I find myself asking how I want to live my life starting with the here and now.

How do I want this moment to be? To feel?

How do I want this evening to be?

This day? This week?

The good news is that I believe I am on track with most of my life decisions. I love teaching, I love creating dances and I love learning.  I have loving relationships with my husband and family.  In general, I am living the way I want to live in the big scheme of things.  But, the little stuff is what gets me from time to time. Getting caught up in the illusions that cause anxiety. The demands of the moment that feel like life and death, but really are trivial, silly or simply not worth my time. 

This practice is, however, not as simple as it seems.  It is often hard to see the truth of the situation, to dig past the eye catching details of the moment and see the essentials of life as it is.  I still have bad days. I still have moments of insecurity and uncertainty. But, this practice has already changed my attitude toward myself, others and the world. 

I won't last forever; no one will.  This too shall pass. I shall pass. The joys, the suffering, the clarity, the confusion, the life, the death.  It is all transient.

So, what do we make of the here and now?  

The present.  The gift of being present. 

A Shameless Rant on Students "Getting it." . .

Two weeks from the end of the semester and I wonder if my students "get it."   I am not talking about SLO's (Student Learning Outcomes) or assessment techniques.  I am talking about the learning process, the spark that fuels learning that goes beyond the curriculum. 

Teaching dance might be an exception. But I have determined that students today are terrible at taking notes.  I give short lectures on anatomy, dance theory and dance history in my classes and they look at me with fascination, nodding in agreement, frowning in concern or questioning.  But, not a note written.

Don't they want to remember? 

I admit I was a pretty damn good student in my day.  I was that (annoying) person in class who always took great notes, studied and completed homework on the same day it was assigned and generally got straight A's.  (Ok, I got one B+ in my life. Black Studies. And, I really tried hard, but to no avail.) So, bottom line, I didn't understand my fellow (slacker) students then, and I don't understand them now. 

Do they really expect to remember everything that is said in a lecture? Even a short 20 minute lecture?  Don't they want to get it? Or am I just that much of an overachiever?

If I could teach them one thing, I wish I could teach them that success is fun!  Achievement is rewarding!  It is worth the effort and the time.  There is greatness to be had, but you have to work for it.  Taking notes isn't just about having something to refer to, it is about staying active while listening, connecting your learning to a physical act of processing.  Taking notes help you record and remember.  Duh!

But, alas.  They look at me with their sweet smiles and momentary interest, and I fear that I have failed them, because they still will only do what I tell them to do because I tell them to do it.  They haven't learned that they drive their learning, They drive their lives. 

My dad has a great shirt:  "If I am talking, you should be taking notes." 

Collect ideas, reflect, process and grow. 

This stuff is important people!  Get out your pen and paper. . .